Violence and Valley of Dreams

Walking down the street the other day I was attack by a squirrel with a switchblade. Now, I know that everyones got to make a living but cmon, robbing a poor college age student at knife point? Thats just low. Anyway, the squirrel was waving the knife and mumbling. Thats when I realized he was on "shrooms" as the kids call it these days. But after a few moments of waving the knife and yelling about the state of the grass, he ran off leaving his knife.
Luckily, there was a police officer there who noticed the whole incident. Now, I dont personally like cops. They always look at me like I did something...usually because I did but thats beside the point. Anyway, the cop called in where the attack took place and gave me some tissues so I dry my ey.....I mean, he gave me a gun so I could shoot that gol' durn squirrel. Yeah, thats it. So about 6 cop cars came and roared up by the tree where the squirrel was listening to, guess.
Thats right. Maroon 5. Apparently shroom effected squirrels who are violent and angry enjoy listening to a band that sounds like a grade 3 school musical. The squirrel was running back and forth and had somehow gotten hold of a rifle. Mumbling, drooling and foaming at the mouth the squirrel took pot shots at the cops.
Now, Im no legal expert, but through my own expierence I find that shooting at cops is a generally bad idea. Thats where the SWAT team comes in. They roared up in their armoured van and piled out. They took positions around the ol'oak tree and were prepared to off the squirrel. Unfortunatly they didnt notice his druggie squirrel friends bind and gag me and drag me to the tree. It was a hostage situation. All the squirrels wanted was to watch Jon Stewart's Daily Show and a bag of Cheetos. I was weeping like a little girl. I mean, wetness was coming out of every oriface I had. Too much info? Too bad.
One of the squirrels, whom I dubbed "Chucky", was chain smoking with his Tommy Gun in hand. But unfortunatly while in thier drugged state they didnt realize that wood burns and smoking cigarettes in a tree is a bad idea. The whole thing went up like a matchstick. Im not going to bore you with how I got out. Well more fell out of said tree. You can watch the video on the 11 o'clock news.
So whats the point? Here it is my marshmellows. Squirrels should not be given shrooms or weapons. And if you dont like that one heres another. Maroon 5 should not be listened to. Easy as that. My advice to you, my lovely audience is this, instead of violence we should try to find the valley of dreams. "It is said not to exist but I have seen". If anyone kind find out who sings the song they win an evening of love making courtesy of yours truly. So go out on this Monday and beware the squirrels they're armed! BE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING! Maybe I could get squirrels to sabatoge the Maroon 5 tour bus. Hmm.
Adieu
My belly button shouts profanities.