Radish and Ruby....Soho

I recently won a country wide Pickle Growing compition. I got thirty dollars off a jar of pickles at a supermarket. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Second only to that time I stole $55 dollars from a drunken hobo. Ah, good times. But in truth I believe the entire thing was fixed by the great secret society known as the Illuminati. If you dont know who they are look on the net. Or read the following before I get grumpy.
So how and why would the Illuminati care about a Pickle Growing compition? Easy. They are trying to place mind controlling drugs in radishes. But wait, you skraelings say, pickles arent at all like radishes! What're you on? To the first statement I will say exactly, my little ones. The whole idea is too wipe out all other forms of food by rigging compitions to state that they lose. Why do they want to lose? For people feel sorry for the loser. And they know Im on to them. They know that I, the Pretty One, am capable of destroying thier entire network of conspiracies. Now as for the pickle compition, the Illuminati allowed me to win in hopes of placating me so that later on they could control my mind with thier giant mutant radishes. You dont know about the Giant Mutant Radish conspiracy? Man, what do you know? The Illuminati are creating an army of giant mutant radishes. Why? So they can win the papal election. Thats right. The thousand year old ritual of choosing a pope could be utterly destroyed by the giant mutant radish army coming into the Vatican. Perhaps killing Maroon 5 while thier at it. So while the Swiss guards are dealing with them, elite Illuminati agents will infiltrate into the Sistine chapel to make the cardinals elect their choosing of pope.
Wild and crazy and slightly drugged, you say my little furballs? That leads me to your second little question I am on nothing but love for my audience. Now back to the action. The Illuminati know Im onto them. Ive overheard their conversations outside a motel in the soho section of London. Dont ask me why or how I was there. I just was.
So how can we stop the giant mutant radish army of the Illuminati from placing thier pope into the race? I have one solution my friends. Rubies. Its a widely known fact that radishes, being red, are instantly attracted to anything red. Therefore, by spreading millions of rubys into a giant salad maker we can protect ourselves from the giant mutant radish army. Also we would all have a lovely salad.
Toegether, my crewmates on this ship of madness, we can stop the Illuminati from destroying the world as we know it. But we all need to work toegether. Well, not 'we' so much as 'you'. I must rally my army of lawn gnomes. Why? No reason.....yet. So go out and watch the 24 hour news networks on the papal election for you never know if a maurading horde of radishes will sweep upon the screen.
Adieu.
My toes are reaching for the sky.