Parenting guide: The Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to "healthy" parenting

(Transcribed from "Dr. Larry Kidkill Live in Cincinnatti")

Hello there, I'm Dr. Larry Kidkill, and I'm here to teach you, the Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to healthy child rearing, or as I like to call it, the "We don't take no guff plan." I can see it in your faces, you've got problems at home, the kids won't show you respect, these teens are out of control, and I can see that you've tried everything. But not quite....you've never tried the we don't take no guff plan! Today, I'm gonna show you in just a few simple steps, how to get from sadness and frustration, to a perfect family, the easy way! I would like to be the first to welcome you the the straight forward road to familial bliss!

Step one- Folks, the very simple first step in my method, is to identify the particular problem that's facing you, and coming between you and your family's happiness. Now, in most cases, it's a small number of concentrated undesireable traits that we've got to work on, now these can range from guff, lip, sass, disrespect, and generally not knowing their place. well come on parents, it's our job to SHOW EM' THEIR PLACE!...cough*..ahem....

Step two- Parents, this may seem a little obvious, but you've got to know your kids, what kind of parents would we be otherwise. You've got to be effective observers, and you've got to build a bond with your kids; how else are you gonna know how to effectively exploit theior fears and insecurities to most dramatically hold them in line. Maybe little jimmy loves his chocolate bars, or maybe Jane has low self esteem. you've got to play off these fears, and know whether a child will respond better to whuppings, food punishments, beratement, or whatever else. You've. got. to. know. your. kids.

Step three- We live in a culture folks, and that culture would have our kids walking all over us, outta control, so we've got to work inside our culture, and not go over the line. Example, if your kid is giving you lip, it would seem the most logical thing to do would be to split that lip open with a quick right to the mouth, but no. That's abuse. We've got to know our kids (see Step two), and use a little pro-activity, and creativity to get the sort of behavior we want out of our kids. For instance, if you give that lippy kid a little time to cool down, then grab a sack full of oranges and beat him with that, there'll be no bruising (on the kid, not the oranges) and they'll get the message. On top of that, allowing the child to cool down not only allows you time to fetch your sack of oranges, it gives the adrenaline in the angry child time to disperse, which only makes your delayed punishment more effective. A second example, use every psychological edge you can get, for instance, by making a child fetch the physical reprisentation of their own punishment for you, reinforces within them that it is them who is causing this punishment through their behavior, not simply you.

Step four- Avoid cliche's, now this may seem a little strange at first thought, but using traditional cliche's (for instance, this hurts me more than it hurts you) gives the child tangeable connections with the punishments of others, including yourself when you were a child, which reduces the psychological impact of the punishment.

Step five- Parents, punishments aren't enough, you've got to make meaningful connection with your kids if you want them to behave, and to have a healthy relationship. If you ignore your kids, thy'll replace you as an authority figure with others outside the home. We can't have that, it must always be imparted into the child that you are the supreme authority in their lives, that way there will be little deviation, as long as their is also the threat of repercussion.

Well, thats it folks, five simple steps to a happy family. It's just that simple, you define yourself as the supreme authority over your children, and then enforce it quickly, effectively, and brutally. You'll never have a happier, quieter family.

(I've written this as an expose of sorts, into the very simple justification which can be made for the near abuse, rather than love of your children. By seeing just how small a step it is, I hope to create in ingrained wariness and avoidance of this symptom. I do know that effective justification for this behavior can in some cases be made, but love must never leave the equasion, and not the sort of love found in the statement "this hurts me more than it hurts you"..........

Listen keyboard, just because I push ALL your buttons, ALL the time, does not give you the right to snap at me, and be argumentive.