Fops vs. Dandies: The sinister secret

Though great thy grandeur, man, may be,
No pride of heart is meant for thee;
Let fools exult, presumption boast,
The fops and dandies dwell in hosts.
(Originally published in 1879)

Conventional wisdom would have you believe that fops and dandies were nothing more than simple coutriers, whose love of finery was continuously indulged throughout the 18th century when one courtier competed against another in an attempt to be the most splendidly attired. The beaux, fops and dandies of the 18th century were men who overloaded themselves with clothes- layer upon layer of lace ruffles, gold embroidery, ostentatious knee buckles, shoes with outsize rosettes and red heels. They wore powder, patches and perfume, and carried nosegays to keep evil odours away. However, there is a much more simister secret behind the fops and dandies; theirs was not only a mission to outdo each oter in ridiculous, and frivolously ornate dress and mannerism, oh no! These groupsof 18th century metrosexuals were bent one one thing, the complete destruction of the other group, and world domination. Atwhich time, they would enslave the population, and force the world to wear burlap sack, further accentuating their own rich attire, allowign them to FEEL the title, Gods among men. These two groups, the fops and the dandies, led by Baudelaire, and Fromentin respectively, waged unceasing war, the nature of which changed from tossing facial powder puffs into the eyes of the opponent, to outright scratcing, biting and pulling of hair (when wigs were not being worn). These heinus acts culminated in 1785 with the notorious Baudelaire wig removal, in which Fromentin forcibly removed Baudelaires frilly, perfumed wig, and affixed it to the end of a tall flagpole. Baudelaire never fully recovered, and the long agonizing descent of the fop and dandy movements, and wars, was begun. However, a movement founded on an idea can never truly die, and the fops and the dandies are waiting, still waitin gfor a leader to rise from the silky, perfumed ashes, and again threaten the peace and the security of the world, in the name of gaudy, lace ruffled overcoats, and nosegays to keep the foul smells of sensible fashion taste away from the community.