I feigned interest for nearly fifty minutes before the constriction in my chest closed my airway and forced me to emit a short, gutteral, spasmatic grunt, much like the call of a bull elk upon returning to his favorite grazing pasture, only to find a large ring of condominiums. Pleasantly divided with perfectly symmetrical asphalt roads, studded with immature, transplanted oaks and hemlocks; more than vaguely reminiscent of the young families which will soon habitate this formerly serene pasture. Immature, transplanted.
"What was that?" My none too observant table-mate asked, before, without further delay, returning to the topic of "conversation."
My mind drifted backwards, so few days. A lifetime of silence.
A lifetime born, and lived in these few days.
I remember the sounds; the rough slaps of the raindrops on the grey roadways, the dull scratch of the burly chested, masculine robins, as they strut around the dull metallic rim of the light posts.
The clouds running a cold fingertip over the feminine curves of the green mountains, their pure tips, daring the struggling sun to melt their soft, flowing comforter of snow.
I remember the look, the feeling, the constriction in my chest, the peace.
I remember her eyes.
I remember the absolute certainty, no metaphysical argument, no philosophical struggle of ideals or of reality. Just certainty.
The pure, raw visceral certainty of what I've always known;
of what I had just understood.
All qualms of cyclical reality, and philosophics melt away, and I simply knew, and I had always known.
The realization had permeated through my every cell, my every memory, like the soft fingers of dye meandering through the very heart of the clear translucent, and now, evanescent waters of my heart. My soul.
This is a feeling like death, a sweet release, so absolute, so terrifyingly abrupt, sudden, and complete.
And I knew...I knew.
The bull moose is startled by the sound of a minivan, carrying the transplanted young family to their new home, their new life, where the past can be forgotten, and the future be sown along the symmetrical streets, below the hemlock and oak.
He turns his great head, his velvet antlers towards the light woods, the droplets of sun, falling like raindrops through the outstretched leaves of the gnarled, mighty oaks.
And I am with him.
I split the check without protest, though I had only one drink, stood up and walked along the soft grass of the short carpet, through the glass doors, and into the wind splayed downpour,
teardrops of rain streaming down the lightly tinted doors, running off the end of the large brass nose.
I walk slowly; listening to the rough slap of the raindrops,
on the grey roadway.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Monday, March 21, 2005
Guys
Why is it that every guy wants to kill something? Why does university, the place where we are supposed to be civilized, turn us into the killbots of hate that we are? I believe that our society destroys all that it means to be a man. Why do we hate our childhood because school keeps us in a box and then overmedicates us with ridiline if we step out of line, and then packs the most obedient off to university to further perpetuate the enslavement of the male spirit? Then we grow up into emasculated men who work in cubicles, cower at our wives, and then end it all with a pistol and a glass of rum with barbituates. Break free men. Go and run free in the forest and kill a small animal with your bare hands and then eat it. I speak metaphorically, but still my point stands. Throw aside this wossey man facade which corrupts our souls. We don't need to be macho men, but still be strong. That is what guys are supposed to be. I want to go and climb a mountain right now, yet alas it is late and I have school work to do. What a perfect example. Why not just call me a gelding to the school system. So men, chop off the hand that will emasculate you before it is too late. Down with Louraina Bobit. I need to go pick a fight with a burley russian. Good day gentlemen.
the philosopher one
the philosopher one
Parenting guide: The Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to "healthy" parenting
(Transcribed from "Dr. Larry Kidkill Live in Cincinnatti")
Hello there, I'm Dr. Larry Kidkill, and I'm here to teach you, the Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to healthy child rearing, or as I like to call it, the "We don't take no guff plan." I can see it in your faces, you've got problems at home, the kids won't show you respect, these teens are out of control, and I can see that you've tried everything. But not quite....you've never tried the we don't take no guff plan! Today, I'm gonna show you in just a few simple steps, how to get from sadness and frustration, to a perfect family, the easy way! I would like to be the first to welcome you the the straight forward road to familial bliss!
Step one- Folks, the very simple first step in my method, is to identify the particular problem that's facing you, and coming between you and your family's happiness. Now, in most cases, it's a small number of concentrated undesireable traits that we've got to work on, now these can range from guff, lip, sass, disrespect, and generally not knowing their place. well come on parents, it's our job to SHOW EM' THEIR PLACE!...cough*..ahem....
Step two- Parents, this may seem a little obvious, but you've got to know your kids, what kind of parents would we be otherwise. You've got to be effective observers, and you've got to build a bond with your kids; how else are you gonna know how to effectively exploit theior fears and insecurities to most dramatically hold them in line. Maybe little jimmy loves his chocolate bars, or maybe Jane has low self esteem. you've got to play off these fears, and know whether a child will respond better to whuppings, food punishments, beratement, or whatever else. You've. got. to. know. your. kids.
Step three- We live in a culture folks, and that culture would have our kids walking all over us, outta control, so we've got to work inside our culture, and not go over the line. Example, if your kid is giving you lip, it would seem the most logical thing to do would be to split that lip open with a quick right to the mouth, but no. That's abuse. We've got to know our kids (see Step two), and use a little pro-activity, and creativity to get the sort of behavior we want out of our kids. For instance, if you give that lippy kid a little time to cool down, then grab a sack full of oranges and beat him with that, there'll be no bruising (on the kid, not the oranges) and they'll get the message. On top of that, allowing the child to cool down not only allows you time to fetch your sack of oranges, it gives the adrenaline in the angry child time to disperse, which only makes your delayed punishment more effective. A second example, use every psychological edge you can get, for instance, by making a child fetch the physical reprisentation of their own punishment for you, reinforces within them that it is them who is causing this punishment through their behavior, not simply you.
Step four- Avoid cliche's, now this may seem a little strange at first thought, but using traditional cliche's (for instance, this hurts me more than it hurts you) gives the child tangeable connections with the punishments of others, including yourself when you were a child, which reduces the psychological impact of the punishment.
Step five- Parents, punishments aren't enough, you've got to make meaningful connection with your kids if you want them to behave, and to have a healthy relationship. If you ignore your kids, thy'll replace you as an authority figure with others outside the home. We can't have that, it must always be imparted into the child that you are the supreme authority in their lives, that way there will be little deviation, as long as their is also the threat of repercussion.
Well, thats it folks, five simple steps to a happy family. It's just that simple, you define yourself as the supreme authority over your children, and then enforce it quickly, effectively, and brutally. You'll never have a happier, quieter family.
(I've written this as an expose of sorts, into the very simple justification which can be made for the near abuse, rather than love of your children. By seeing just how small a step it is, I hope to create in ingrained wariness and avoidance of this symptom. I do know that effective justification for this behavior can in some cases be made, but love must never leave the equasion, and not the sort of love found in the statement "this hurts me more than it hurts you"..........
Listen keyboard, just because I push ALL your buttons, ALL the time, does not give you the right to snap at me, and be argumentive.
Hello there, I'm Dr. Larry Kidkill, and I'm here to teach you, the Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to healthy child rearing, or as I like to call it, the "We don't take no guff plan." I can see it in your faces, you've got problems at home, the kids won't show you respect, these teens are out of control, and I can see that you've tried everything. But not quite....you've never tried the we don't take no guff plan! Today, I'm gonna show you in just a few simple steps, how to get from sadness and frustration, to a perfect family, the easy way! I would like to be the first to welcome you the the straight forward road to familial bliss!
Step one- Folks, the very simple first step in my method, is to identify the particular problem that's facing you, and coming between you and your family's happiness. Now, in most cases, it's a small number of concentrated undesireable traits that we've got to work on, now these can range from guff, lip, sass, disrespect, and generally not knowing their place. well come on parents, it's our job to SHOW EM' THEIR PLACE!...cough*..ahem....
Step two- Parents, this may seem a little obvious, but you've got to know your kids, what kind of parents would we be otherwise. You've got to be effective observers, and you've got to build a bond with your kids; how else are you gonna know how to effectively exploit theior fears and insecurities to most dramatically hold them in line. Maybe little jimmy loves his chocolate bars, or maybe Jane has low self esteem. you've got to play off these fears, and know whether a child will respond better to whuppings, food punishments, beratement, or whatever else. You've. got. to. know. your. kids.
Step three- We live in a culture folks, and that culture would have our kids walking all over us, outta control, so we've got to work inside our culture, and not go over the line. Example, if your kid is giving you lip, it would seem the most logical thing to do would be to split that lip open with a quick right to the mouth, but no. That's abuse. We've got to know our kids (see Step two), and use a little pro-activity, and creativity to get the sort of behavior we want out of our kids. For instance, if you give that lippy kid a little time to cool down, then grab a sack full of oranges and beat him with that, there'll be no bruising (on the kid, not the oranges) and they'll get the message. On top of that, allowing the child to cool down not only allows you time to fetch your sack of oranges, it gives the adrenaline in the angry child time to disperse, which only makes your delayed punishment more effective. A second example, use every psychological edge you can get, for instance, by making a child fetch the physical reprisentation of their own punishment for you, reinforces within them that it is them who is causing this punishment through their behavior, not simply you.
Step four- Avoid cliche's, now this may seem a little strange at first thought, but using traditional cliche's (for instance, this hurts me more than it hurts you) gives the child tangeable connections with the punishments of others, including yourself when you were a child, which reduces the psychological impact of the punishment.
Step five- Parents, punishments aren't enough, you've got to make meaningful connection with your kids if you want them to behave, and to have a healthy relationship. If you ignore your kids, thy'll replace you as an authority figure with others outside the home. We can't have that, it must always be imparted into the child that you are the supreme authority in their lives, that way there will be little deviation, as long as their is also the threat of repercussion.
Well, thats it folks, five simple steps to a happy family. It's just that simple, you define yourself as the supreme authority over your children, and then enforce it quickly, effectively, and brutally. You'll never have a happier, quieter family.
(I've written this as an expose of sorts, into the very simple justification which can be made for the near abuse, rather than love of your children. By seeing just how small a step it is, I hope to create in ingrained wariness and avoidance of this symptom. I do know that effective justification for this behavior can in some cases be made, but love must never leave the equasion, and not the sort of love found in the statement "this hurts me more than it hurts you"..........
Listen keyboard, just because I push ALL your buttons, ALL the time, does not give you the right to snap at me, and be argumentive.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Jedi, Sith and All Things Lucas
George Lucas. There Ive said it. You now have a feeling about him. Love him, hate him, think hes in it for the money, thinks hes in it for the fans. It doesnt matter. George Lucas is brlliant. How did he become brilliant? Well my spring chickens after minutes of thinking something up I have discovered how Geroge Lucas came up with his wild, imaginative and beautiful Star Wars series.
We must travel back in time to the year 1965. After a long nite of studying at Calcutta University George decided to relax by smoking some opium he harvested in his dorm window. After tripping out, George started writing of a time long ago in a galaxy far far away. After waking up the next day in a stupor George accidently handed in his ideas for Star Wars instead of his thesis on the mating habits of seagulls (which by the way is riveting). He was then kicked out of C.U. and sent back to America. In 1977, the fourth installment of the Star Wars trilogy was in place. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, R2-D2, 3-CPO, Vader, Palpatine, Jar Jar. Ok so I lied about the last one. Let us never mention the name of a certain annoying gungan ever again.
Now we flash foward to the year 1999. George Lucas is planning to finish the series with the first three episodes. Starring Ewan Macgregor, Hayden Christenson, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Yoda. The first two were only mild success' after harsh critical and fan based voices were heard. Will the third installment, Revenge of The Sith, make Georgie boy a hero or a villian in the eyes of the public? We'll just have to wait another 2 months.
The third installment was shot entirely with digital film which will make this one of best looking films ever. Now before I said Mr. Lucas smoked opium. That was an untruth. Actually his true and secret way of making a classic movie involves one simple ingredient. Tacos. Yes, my lovely and possibly one-eyed gungan audience, tacos. Ive said to much already though and I think I hear the Imperial March song coming. Which means people from Lucasfilm are coming with white armour and blasters.
So whats the point you ask? Firstly, what a stupid question. Does anything I do make sense? No. Secondly, it gives you hope my precious' . Mayhaps after supping on tacos one nite you come up with the next great film of the century. Or maybe its just gas. What do I know? So young Padawans I leave you with this advice. The more you eat crazy food suggestions from some wierd guy on a blog, the more you realize how gullible you are.
George Lucas also has a pompadour and a beard.
Thank you and goodnite.
THAT CUP is coming on to me.
We must travel back in time to the year 1965. After a long nite of studying at Calcutta University George decided to relax by smoking some opium he harvested in his dorm window. After tripping out, George started writing of a time long ago in a galaxy far far away. After waking up the next day in a stupor George accidently handed in his ideas for Star Wars instead of his thesis on the mating habits of seagulls (which by the way is riveting). He was then kicked out of C.U. and sent back to America. In 1977, the fourth installment of the Star Wars trilogy was in place. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, R2-D2, 3-CPO, Vader, Palpatine, Jar Jar. Ok so I lied about the last one. Let us never mention the name of a certain annoying gungan ever again.
Now we flash foward to the year 1999. George Lucas is planning to finish the series with the first three episodes. Starring Ewan Macgregor, Hayden Christenson, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Yoda. The first two were only mild success' after harsh critical and fan based voices were heard. Will the third installment, Revenge of The Sith, make Georgie boy a hero or a villian in the eyes of the public? We'll just have to wait another 2 months.
The third installment was shot entirely with digital film which will make this one of best looking films ever. Now before I said Mr. Lucas smoked opium. That was an untruth. Actually his true and secret way of making a classic movie involves one simple ingredient. Tacos. Yes, my lovely and possibly one-eyed gungan audience, tacos. Ive said to much already though and I think I hear the Imperial March song coming. Which means people from Lucasfilm are coming with white armour and blasters.
So whats the point you ask? Firstly, what a stupid question. Does anything I do make sense? No. Secondly, it gives you hope my precious' . Mayhaps after supping on tacos one nite you come up with the next great film of the century. Or maybe its just gas. What do I know? So young Padawans I leave you with this advice. The more you eat crazy food suggestions from some wierd guy on a blog, the more you realize how gullible you are.
George Lucas also has a pompadour and a beard.
Thank you and goodnite.
THAT CUP is coming on to me.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Why Pringles Are Evil
Pringles. The silent killer? Well maybe not but still. Pringles are the only known potato chip known to man that come in a tube. Now what good and holy thing, my prettys come in a tube? Thats right...diddly. Other then yogurt and glue. Both of which are tasty and gooey. But why oh why did the Pringles chip company choose to place their product in a tube? Only I in my incedibly beautfiul features could find out. With some money we raised by robbing ban.....I mean bake sales, the contributers of this blog bought a plane ticket and headed to where ever it is Pringles are made. We brought a camera along too to catch the whole thing on film. Unfortunatly, Introspective Irishman and his lack of english skills aparent brought a camera camera not a film camera. Eventually we wandered away from the tourgroup (with some delectable snacks I might add) and ended up in the CEO's office. There we saw the face of Pringles. Quite literally. He looked exactly like the picture on the can. Hair parted in the middle, no nose to speak of, massive handlebar moustache and a pasty complex. It was no surprise that he spoke with a British accent then. He claimed that when Pringles first started they were going to be a tennis ball delievery company. But unfortuantly ast that time they had a "wacko" as a CEO. A creepy man with a glass eye and constantly talks about how he "killed fitty men with a flyin' fish", Mr. Baxter. So the new formed Pringles company started up and waited for the first shipment of tennis balls. Unfortunatlier, a mistake on the shipping order said potatoes and not tennis balls. At that point Mr. Pringle took over and thrust the creepy Mr. Baxter out of the company. and as the trucks rolled in and the employees gasped with shock Mr. Pringles said, "What the heck? Cut em up. " Ergo cementing his place in history. When asked about the whereabouts of the former CEO Mr Baxter, we were promptly shown out of the factory. But as luck would have it there on the street corner was a small stand. And lo and behold Mr. Baxter, creepy eye and all was there selling beets. "BEETS! BEETS!" he screamed at us. Slowly stirring the pot of bubbling beets and what appeared to be flying fish.
So my little munchkins what is the moral of my derranged and highly improbable story? I have little or no idea. Find out for yourselves. So think, live, love and eat beets.
Adieu.
THAT CLOCK is making faces at me!
So my little munchkins what is the moral of my derranged and highly improbable story? I have little or no idea. Find out for yourselves. So think, live, love and eat beets.
Adieu.
THAT CLOCK is making faces at me!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
HAPPY IRISH-AMERICAN DRINKING DAY!
Yes me wee leprachauns its that special day of the year that the insane Irish made especially for drinking. Not like any other day is an excuse mind you. Today, the 17th of March, the day St. Patrick came to the Emerald Ilse and drove all the rats and snakes out of Ireland. So to celebrate the Irish.....drink. Along with the rest of the Western world.
No matter where you go you'll see St. Patty's Day parades, green clothing, thick irish brogues and beer. Not that beer is the only form of alcohol. Ho ho. Now the Irish have become such an itricate part of our culture that we can't escape them no matter what. Over 40% of North Americans claim to have at least a hint of the red haired, loud, friendly, soused people we call the Irish. St. Patrick was also the man who designed the Sun feature on the Celtic cross. Do we need more reason to drink? No. While the majority of Administrators on this blog are of Irish heiratge someehere along the line. The Pretty One, me, moi etc, am not. So why is the crazy funny man telling us about St Patricks Day when he himself isn't at all Irish? Well, dear loveable and possibly hairy readers I drew the short straw. And the others are too drunk to stand on thier own two feet. But thats beside the point.
So my lovlies let us drink to the health of Ireland and may you be forever changed on this day. For what tommorrow brings no one knows. So eat drink, sing, and generally be merry on this most boozed up today. Now go out to the bars, pubs, kitchens and living rooms and drink yourselves sick with green beer and cookies.
No matter where you go you'll see St. Patty's Day parades, green clothing, thick irish brogues and beer. Not that beer is the only form of alcohol. Ho ho. Now the Irish have become such an itricate part of our culture that we can't escape them no matter what. Over 40% of North Americans claim to have at least a hint of the red haired, loud, friendly, soused people we call the Irish. St. Patrick was also the man who designed the Sun feature on the Celtic cross. Do we need more reason to drink? No. While the majority of Administrators on this blog are of Irish heiratge someehere along the line. The Pretty One, me, moi etc, am not. So why is the crazy funny man telling us about St Patricks Day when he himself isn't at all Irish? Well, dear loveable and possibly hairy readers I drew the short straw. And the others are too drunk to stand on thier own two feet. But thats beside the point.
So my lovlies let us drink to the health of Ireland and may you be forever changed on this day. For what tommorrow brings no one knows. So eat drink, sing, and generally be merry on this most boozed up today. Now go out to the bars, pubs, kitchens and living rooms and drink yourselves sick with green beer and cookies.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Punk Explaination For The "Man"
Punk by definition can be anything. Its rebelling against auothrity and the generally norm/the crowd. Its going against the crowd and doing your own thing. Now, my honey bunchs this may shock you to learn there are many variations and styles to the wide genre known as "punk".
Punk orginated in London around the late 70's. It was the time when the slogan "disco sucks" riegened. Then slowly punk came to the New World. Bands like the Sex Pistols, the Ramones, The Clash and many others slowly began getting a following.
Punk is not just spikey haired, leather wearing tight pants, pierced dirty individuals who are socially awkward and cant function in society so they rebel. NO! While the majority are like that there are diffrent levels. Some are the sneering angry people you see but more then not they are the skaters or those you like their music like they like there lovers. Loud, Fast and with lots of incoherent screaming. Which brings me to another point.
There are variations of punk. Theres punk rock, punk, ska punk, psychobilly, punk metal and hardcore punk. Each have there own unique style and sound. From the more rock-a-billy sounds of psychobilly to the trumpet and trombone blaring ska punk. From the Rancid to the Thrice. From Social Distortion to Greenday. There are diffrent styles and sounds of punk. Punk will always change the face of music but punk rock isnt the only form. There can be punk rap, punk hip hop, punk country? Well maybe not that far but still. Love live punk. Now my little pierced peons go eat your chili and fries. Adieu
Punk orginated in London around the late 70's. It was the time when the slogan "disco sucks" riegened. Then slowly punk came to the New World. Bands like the Sex Pistols, the Ramones, The Clash and many others slowly began getting a following.
Punk is not just spikey haired, leather wearing tight pants, pierced dirty individuals who are socially awkward and cant function in society so they rebel. NO! While the majority are like that there are diffrent levels. Some are the sneering angry people you see but more then not they are the skaters or those you like their music like they like there lovers. Loud, Fast and with lots of incoherent screaming. Which brings me to another point.
There are variations of punk. Theres punk rock, punk, ska punk, psychobilly, punk metal and hardcore punk. Each have there own unique style and sound. From the more rock-a-billy sounds of psychobilly to the trumpet and trombone blaring ska punk. From the Rancid to the Thrice. From Social Distortion to Greenday. There are diffrent styles and sounds of punk. Punk will always change the face of music but punk rock isnt the only form. There can be punk rap, punk hip hop, punk country? Well maybe not that far but still. Love live punk. Now my little pierced peons go eat your chili and fries. Adieu
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Michael Moore & Peter Jackson: The secret sex relationship
After many years of exhaustive research, we have uncovered the guarded secret hidden deep within the federal files, and birth certificates of both Americas spokesman of the left, Michael Moore, and New Zealand's directing phenom/ hobbit, Peter Jackson. Their secret sex scandal dates back as far as the earliest memories the respective parties hold. Not only were the two secretly born as twins in Djiboudi, to pygmy tribes people parents, they are both what would be popularly referred to as "Hobbits". Born during the Marxist revolution in Djiboudi, the two were seperated by the Red cross, and placed in their respective countries. The medical term "Hobbitism" predisposes the sufferer to binge eating, resulting in a portly figure, the wild growth of patchy facial hair, massive foot growth, and pipe smoking, as well an an almost insane fixation on underground holes, and mushrooms. For year, the two were seperated without any idea of their own family roots, until the 1992 directorial convention in Lake Tahoe. Upon realization of their common heritage and affliction, the two embraced lovingly, and with much tears shed, and pipes smoked the loving reunion was complete. Michael Moore went on to direct stinging leftist propoganda, and Peter Jackson to embrace the roots of his affliction, directing the much lauded Lord of the rings trilogy.
Now we realize that you may at this point be wondering what this had to do with a "sex relationship" well, do not be dissapointed, that time has come. For you see both Michael moore, and Peter jackson, are, to the best of OUR knowledge and research, both of the male gender. Why the english language persists in this needless repetition of terms (gender, sex) to explain one matter is beyond me, especially with such an oft misunderstood term as "sex".
Also they both have brown hair.
Thank you and goodnight.
THAT LAMP tried to kill me!
Now we realize that you may at this point be wondering what this had to do with a "sex relationship" well, do not be dissapointed, that time has come. For you see both Michael moore, and Peter jackson, are, to the best of OUR knowledge and research, both of the male gender. Why the english language persists in this needless repetition of terms (gender, sex) to explain one matter is beyond me, especially with such an oft misunderstood term as "sex".
Also they both have brown hair.
Thank you and goodnight.
THAT LAMP tried to kill me!
Why Cannibals Could Just Eat You Up
Humans taste like salty pork. Yes, my little love doves it shocked me as well. But I spoke to my good friend Gor'Ke, a well known Polyneisan cannibal to get the inside scoop. (No pun intended). Gor'Ke claims that after boiling his "dish" for many hours the salt content of the human body rises amazingly creating a salty pork like taste. Now, we may think that cannibals are found only in remote areas but there are many living in our suburbs and cities. LIKE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Im sorry but I couldnt help myself. Now, how can we guard ourselves against such a distinguished foe? Easly. Two words. Salt water. I know, I know, its a bit "risque" but still trust me. Now allow me too explain. My friend Gor'Ke claimed that after a day of finding a body of an explorer in a the sea and the cooking him he claimed it tasted so bad he had to eat a pound of sand to get rid of the taste. Ergo if we as the general population drink 10 glasses a day of saltwater we will greatly reduce our chances of being eaten by cannibals.
However seeing as how there is a lack of salt water in the middle part of the continent they will be the first to go. The prairie folk will be eaten first because of thier lack of salt water content. Sad, yes but it is enivitable. So my advice to you is this. Drink your salt water, lock your doors and view everyone (I MEAN EVERYONE) with suspision. The cannibal could be your co-workers, your friends, even your family. So be careful and be safe and if you see anyone drooling and staring at you with hungry eyes. Throw glitter in their eyes. Now go eat your pizzas and chips. Thank you and adieu.
Im sorry but I couldnt help myself. Now, how can we guard ourselves against such a distinguished foe? Easly. Two words. Salt water. I know, I know, its a bit "risque" but still trust me. Now allow me too explain. My friend Gor'Ke claimed that after a day of finding a body of an explorer in a the sea and the cooking him he claimed it tasted so bad he had to eat a pound of sand to get rid of the taste. Ergo if we as the general population drink 10 glasses a day of saltwater we will greatly reduce our chances of being eaten by cannibals.
However seeing as how there is a lack of salt water in the middle part of the continent they will be the first to go. The prairie folk will be eaten first because of thier lack of salt water content. Sad, yes but it is enivitable. So my advice to you is this. Drink your salt water, lock your doors and view everyone (I MEAN EVERYONE) with suspision. The cannibal could be your co-workers, your friends, even your family. So be careful and be safe and if you see anyone drooling and staring at you with hungry eyes. Throw glitter in their eyes. Now go eat your pizzas and chips. Thank you and adieu.
Friday, March 11, 2005
A Fresh New Face
Like the plasenta being cleaned off a new born baby, I emerge from the darkness that is my womb. I have joined a blog. Something I vowed never to do, but seeing as the most intelligent people in the world have formed a blog I must follow suit. So here I am, the philospher one, like a blast from the past and a visitor from teh future, I am he who will enlighten and enrich your mind, while feasting off of it from behind your back. Now to all who are aching in anticipation for me to write something of substance I must leave you unfortunately unsatisf.....
Why Americans Have Thier Right to Bear Arms
Americans are the new British. Confusing? Yes. Dereanged? A tad. Medicated? Too personal. The British empire controlled most of the world in the 17 and 1800's. " The sun never sets on the British Empire". From Canada to Australia. South Africa to Hong Kong the Britsh had everything. Thier military was crap though. "Lions lead by donkeys". Any nitwit Duke could by his promotion in the military and lead an army. Sad really. Then how did the Brits do it? Simple. Economy. They used thier impressive economy with trade and sales to generate many crowns and supply troops. Easy. After the American revolution Americans were still geared up for a British invaision. Hence why every American has the right to bear arms. Unfortunatly, its been over 250 years. THEY AREN'T COMING!
Back to the original statement. The British maintained their empire through economics. The Americans on the other hand, are establishing thiers by the Roman way. Brute force. Agree or disagree it doesnt matter. Now go eat your apple pies and your Mcdonalds Bic Macs my little love muffins.
Back to the original statement. The British maintained their empire through economics. The Americans on the other hand, are establishing thiers by the Roman way. Brute force. Agree or disagree it doesnt matter. Now go eat your apple pies and your Mcdonalds Bic Macs my little love muffins.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Fops vs. Dandies: The sinister secret
Though great thy grandeur, man, may be,
No pride of heart is meant for thee;
Let fools exult, presumption boast,
The fops and dandies dwell in hosts.
(Originally published in 1879)
Conventional wisdom would have you believe that fops and dandies were nothing more than simple coutriers, whose love of finery was continuously indulged throughout the 18th century when one courtier competed against another in an attempt to be the most splendidly attired. The beaux, fops and dandies of the 18th century were men who overloaded themselves with clothes- layer upon layer of lace ruffles, gold embroidery, ostentatious knee buckles, shoes with outsize rosettes and red heels. They wore powder, patches and perfume, and carried nosegays to keep evil odours away. However, there is a much more simister secret behind the fops and dandies; theirs was not only a mission to outdo each oter in ridiculous, and frivolously ornate dress and mannerism, oh no! These groupsof 18th century metrosexuals were bent one one thing, the complete destruction of the other group, and world domination. Atwhich time, they would enslave the population, and force the world to wear burlap sack, further accentuating their own rich attire, allowign them to FEEL the title, Gods among men. These two groups, the fops and the dandies, led by Baudelaire, and Fromentin respectively, waged unceasing war, the nature of which changed from tossing facial powder puffs into the eyes of the opponent, to outright scratcing, biting and pulling of hair (when wigs were not being worn). These heinus acts culminated in 1785 with the notorious Baudelaire wig removal, in which Fromentin forcibly removed Baudelaires frilly, perfumed wig, and affixed it to the end of a tall flagpole. Baudelaire never fully recovered, and the long agonizing descent of the fop and dandy movements, and wars, was begun. However, a movement founded on an idea can never truly die, and the fops and the dandies are waiting, still waitin gfor a leader to rise from the silky, perfumed ashes, and again threaten the peace and the security of the world, in the name of gaudy, lace ruffled overcoats, and nosegays to keep the foul smells of sensible fashion taste away from the community.
No pride of heart is meant for thee;
Let fools exult, presumption boast,
The fops and dandies dwell in hosts.
(Originally published in 1879)
Conventional wisdom would have you believe that fops and dandies were nothing more than simple coutriers, whose love of finery was continuously indulged throughout the 18th century when one courtier competed against another in an attempt to be the most splendidly attired. The beaux, fops and dandies of the 18th century were men who overloaded themselves with clothes- layer upon layer of lace ruffles, gold embroidery, ostentatious knee buckles, shoes with outsize rosettes and red heels. They wore powder, patches and perfume, and carried nosegays to keep evil odours away. However, there is a much more simister secret behind the fops and dandies; theirs was not only a mission to outdo each oter in ridiculous, and frivolously ornate dress and mannerism, oh no! These groupsof 18th century metrosexuals were bent one one thing, the complete destruction of the other group, and world domination. Atwhich time, they would enslave the population, and force the world to wear burlap sack, further accentuating their own rich attire, allowign them to FEEL the title, Gods among men. These two groups, the fops and the dandies, led by Baudelaire, and Fromentin respectively, waged unceasing war, the nature of which changed from tossing facial powder puffs into the eyes of the opponent, to outright scratcing, biting and pulling of hair (when wigs were not being worn). These heinus acts culminated in 1785 with the notorious Baudelaire wig removal, in which Fromentin forcibly removed Baudelaires frilly, perfumed wig, and affixed it to the end of a tall flagpole. Baudelaire never fully recovered, and the long agonizing descent of the fop and dandy movements, and wars, was begun. However, a movement founded on an idea can never truly die, and the fops and the dandies are waiting, still waitin gfor a leader to rise from the silky, perfumed ashes, and again threaten the peace and the security of the world, in the name of gaudy, lace ruffled overcoats, and nosegays to keep the foul smells of sensible fashion taste away from the community.
Comfort is capitolism, Pain is love, Repression is order!
Those of us who find ourselves conscious of the various stirrings of the political left, have often heard the cry for the average consumer to cast off the oppressive chains of our corporate overlords and refrain from purchasing ANYTHING for even just one day; these initiatives meeting with varying degrees of success. I propose, a more devious and ultimately far more destructive plan. The corporate world finds itself at the rather tentitive end of a long consumer pipeline. Their task is essentially to cater to our, that is, the consumers every want and need; so what is truly needed to topple the evil empire is to falsify, en mass, a consumer trend. This would result in the corporate world reacting by sinking millions and possibly billions of dollars into research, development, production, distribution and advertising into a product with no actual consumer appeal. This bypasses any actual sacrifice or restraint on behalf of the consumer, as does the former 'buy nothing' plans, since, going 24 hours without purchasing anything seems to be so terribly repugnant to the vast majority of the population. As well, this wouldn't seem to be such a terribly difficult plan to inplement, since the advertisers have been successfully telling the comsumer what they want for years, it shouldn't be all that difficult to teach the consumer to give false reports on what they truly do want, allowing them to hit back for themselves.
For too long have we allowed the multi-national, Billion dollar corporation to create a new bourgoise capitolist regime, with anti socialist tendencies! Exploiting the worker; selling, at inflated prices valueless products bent on worldwide complacency and mindless, reckless consumerism for their own gain, all the while devaluing the economy, and lowerign the average wage of the worker. The time has come for action. The time has come for the time of talk to end, and the time of action to approach!
LONG LIVE THE PEOPLES REVOLUTION!
(The mission of this article was multi-faceted, while I do believe that corporation are, to a certain extent abusing the common person, I do not necessarily belive that communist revolutions are the answer, this blog will not be held responsible for any marxist revolutions worldwide, except maybe in djiboudi, and then only because of their kick ass name. Purple monkey, dishwasher)
For too long have we allowed the multi-national, Billion dollar corporation to create a new bourgoise capitolist regime, with anti socialist tendencies! Exploiting the worker; selling, at inflated prices valueless products bent on worldwide complacency and mindless, reckless consumerism for their own gain, all the while devaluing the economy, and lowerign the average wage of the worker. The time has come for action. The time has come for the time of talk to end, and the time of action to approach!
LONG LIVE THE PEOPLES REVOLUTION!
(The mission of this article was multi-faceted, while I do believe that corporation are, to a certain extent abusing the common person, I do not necessarily belive that communist revolutions are the answer, this blog will not be held responsible for any marxist revolutions worldwide, except maybe in djiboudi, and then only because of their kick ass name. Purple monkey, dishwasher)
Of Probst and Packing Peanuts
We all know Jeff Probst, the host of the hit reality TV show Survivor. But did you know that he was actually a courier in a box company in his youth? Jeff Probst was 12 years old when the Vietnam draft happened so of course his parents sent him to Battlecreek Michigan to work in a box factory.
For years young Jeff slaved away packing away boxes into smaller boxes. Continuely using his chisled good looks and good natured attidude to get ahead in life. Until one fateful day in the spring of 1987.
Jeff was packing away his boxes with packing peanuts when 18 peanuts fell of and fell to the ground. "How odd" the young Jeff Probst thought. Soon his break came and he carried these 18 packing peanuts into his break room. There young Jeffs mind started to blossom and bloom like a ripe olive.
By placing the 18 "survivors" on a box Jeff made them each do physical and mental challenges to gain something he thought of as "antibody". He later renamed it to "immunity". While he was pleased with the results of the peanuts he was saddend by their lack of intelligence and physical albility. Fortunatly for Jeff after spending 4 hours on his break playing with peanuts he was released from the box factory.
Now, we all know the Mark Burnett is the creator of Survivor but Jeff Probst is just so much cooler. And its my story so go eat an apple.
One day I and my Administrative partner II will be on Survivor. On the first day we will be naked and screaming. And when Jeff comes we plan on stealing his shirt and pants then running about the island screamin "I'M JEFF PROBST!". Soon we will be voted off. So that my little munchkins is of Probst and packing peanuts.
TPO
For years young Jeff slaved away packing away boxes into smaller boxes. Continuely using his chisled good looks and good natured attidude to get ahead in life. Until one fateful day in the spring of 1987.
Jeff was packing away his boxes with packing peanuts when 18 peanuts fell of and fell to the ground. "How odd" the young Jeff Probst thought. Soon his break came and he carried these 18 packing peanuts into his break room. There young Jeffs mind started to blossom and bloom like a ripe olive.
By placing the 18 "survivors" on a box Jeff made them each do physical and mental challenges to gain something he thought of as "antibody". He later renamed it to "immunity". While he was pleased with the results of the peanuts he was saddend by their lack of intelligence and physical albility. Fortunatly for Jeff after spending 4 hours on his break playing with peanuts he was released from the box factory.
Now, we all know the Mark Burnett is the creator of Survivor but Jeff Probst is just so much cooler. And its my story so go eat an apple.
One day I and my Administrative partner II will be on Survivor. On the first day we will be naked and screaming. And when Jeff comes we plan on stealing his shirt and pants then running about the island screamin "I'M JEFF PROBST!". Soon we will be voted off. So that my little munchkins is of Probst and packing peanuts.
TPO
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
welcome introspective irishman!
I would like to quickly take a moment to welcome myself to this blog...since no one else seems to be in any great hurry to do it. I am pleased to announce my inclusion, and offer this solemn pledge: That I will never cease to spred alcohol and insanity fueled mayhem across the internet, through this blog. Amen.
Why john wilkes booth is an american hero
Hello there, my little scrumptious waterlogged blog readers. Yes...scrumptious AND waterlogged.
Conventional history would have you believe that John wilkes booth was the murderer of one of the great american presidents, Abraham Lincoln. What they do not say, is the sinister power that Abraham Lincoln truly was! In addition to his seancical powers of foresight, he was also constructing a solar powered mechanical spider, the likes of which the world had never seen, which was poised to wreack Lincolns terrible vengeance across the face of the earth...that and John wilkes booth was a southern dandy, which is always funny. So in conclusion, while Lincoln was a great leader, and effective president, the public at large was left in the dark abotu his more sinister secrets, now, if Booth were to dandify Lincoln rather than kill him, history would have played out in new and interesting fashion. Thank you loyal listners, and never stop reacing for that dandy paradise.
(having just frivolously assaulted the reputation of one of americas great leader, I am writing this side note in apology, it twas all in good fun, and Lincolns good name, must not be besmirched any further, goodnight, and never stop watching the skies!)
Conventional history would have you believe that John wilkes booth was the murderer of one of the great american presidents, Abraham Lincoln. What they do not say, is the sinister power that Abraham Lincoln truly was! In addition to his seancical powers of foresight, he was also constructing a solar powered mechanical spider, the likes of which the world had never seen, which was poised to wreack Lincolns terrible vengeance across the face of the earth...that and John wilkes booth was a southern dandy, which is always funny. So in conclusion, while Lincoln was a great leader, and effective president, the public at large was left in the dark abotu his more sinister secrets, now, if Booth were to dandify Lincoln rather than kill him, history would have played out in new and interesting fashion. Thank you loyal listners, and never stop reacing for that dandy paradise.
(having just frivolously assaulted the reputation of one of americas great leader, I am writing this side note in apology, it twas all in good fun, and Lincolns good name, must not be besmirched any further, goodnight, and never stop watching the skies!)
Germans Can Make Anything Work
This is a simple little thing. The German people can make anything work. Be it economical, political or commercial. They can make it work. Maybe not well, but it still works doesn't it? Evidence lies in thier history.
After WWII Germany was divided into (wild guesses here) East and West Germany. West Germany became a democracy and general "Front Line" of the Cold War. Meanwhile East Germany was sucked up by the Commusist Bloc and the Warsaw Pact.
Now, what the crap does this have to do with anything? Well I'll tell you, you impatiant Evan. East Germany became a top-contender on the list of industrilized nations even though they were Communist. While other Communist nations (Hungary, Poland, Romania, USSR) were in an economic slump East Germany was riding fairly well along with Czechoslovakia.
Now we all know that communism doesn't. Its a flawed system. But the Germans made it. Which goes back to my earlier statement. The Germans lost not one, but two WORLD wars. Not civil, not national, not rap but WORLD. Meaning the whole world was invovled. Today a united Germany is a strong industrialized nation with strong demoractic politics. So you see even a backwards useless form of government can work if the Germans put their minds to it. They've already had three successful (to a degree) forms of government. Monarchy, Republic, Facist, Communist and now Democratic. There are only so many government forms that they havent had. Proving that they can make it work.
So there you go, my chicadees, though I may be wrong its still my thing so go eat some yogurt and be pleased. Thank you and thats all folks (Cue Looney Tunes Theme)
After WWII Germany was divided into (wild guesses here) East and West Germany. West Germany became a democracy and general "Front Line" of the Cold War. Meanwhile East Germany was sucked up by the Commusist Bloc and the Warsaw Pact.
Now, what the crap does this have to do with anything? Well I'll tell you, you impatiant Evan. East Germany became a top-contender on the list of industrilized nations even though they were Communist. While other Communist nations (Hungary, Poland, Romania, USSR) were in an economic slump East Germany was riding fairly well along with Czechoslovakia.
Now we all know that communism doesn't. Its a flawed system. But the Germans made it. Which goes back to my earlier statement. The Germans lost not one, but two WORLD wars. Not civil, not national, not rap but WORLD. Meaning the whole world was invovled. Today a united Germany is a strong industrialized nation with strong demoractic politics. So you see even a backwards useless form of government can work if the Germans put their minds to it. They've already had three successful (to a degree) forms of government. Monarchy, Republic, Facist, Communist and now Democratic. There are only so many government forms that they havent had. Proving that they can make it work.
So there you go, my chicadees, though I may be wrong its still my thing so go eat some yogurt and be pleased. Thank you and thats all folks (Cue Looney Tunes Theme)
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Cats are food
Now, I am telling you that the average human male does not eat enough canned fruit. How do I know this? Easily. Lets look back in our history books (pg 112) and you will find Stalinist Russia. Stalin himself ate only asparagus and tofu. Making the chemical balance in his brain horribly off centre. By eating canned fruit Stalin would've kept everyone happy. There would be no gulags or Siberian Death Bears. The people working in the Can Factories of Moscow and the Fruit Factories would've also flourished. Thereby giving a more happy Socialist cause instead of the terror the lack of canned fruit produced. So do we want be like Stalin? NO! Ergo eat your canned fruit.
HELLO NUT JOBS!
Today is the first day for the rest of your lives. Or is it? These questions and more will be answered. Now why create this? Do people really care about mine and others insane useless opinions? The answer is yes. So now I leave you in your squalor. For tommorrow we may die. Or eat bananas.
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