Spring and Road Rashes

Smell that my dobermans? Tis spring! Or that cheese that I hid under your desk during break. Either way its a new season. I know Im a bit late but I dont care. Spring has sprung the grass is riz I wonder where them flowers is? Yes the harsh opression of winter is over and all the world rejoices with the bringing of life and happiness.
Makes me sick. My chocolate tree that I planted when I was 5 still hasnt grown at all. Very disappointed. But all around you life is coming back. Birds are chirping in the trees, flowers peeping out of the ground, trees coming back to life, sun shining down, and that guy with a lawnmower is already going at it as if the entire seasons gonna stop within a week.
Spring is when a young mans fancy turns to love. Yuck. First of all, Ive never heard anything called a fancy on a young man. And second love is for suckers. I know your probably thinking in your wonderful head, "Hes just being bitter, punk man. Love is super". Love has taken its toll on me my mates.
Speaking of Maroon 5. I firmly believe that they are the single worst band recording. Right down there with Hoobastank and James Carney and the Beaver Brown Band. Dont ask about the second band I made it up. Or did I? I dont even know anymore. I was flipping through the old televison when I hit the Canadian eqivalant of MTV, MuchMusic. And on that channel I saw and heard the song that made me want to jab out my ears with a fork. The lead singer sounds like an air raid siren.
My point my puppets is this. Spring is a lovely time of year. Not quite as hot as summer and not quite as cold as fall. A happy medium. So take advantage of all the beauty and life around you and go outside. And once outside a whole world will be awaken by one of two things. The sounds of you eating a pinecone. Which by the way are incredibly nouirshing and a good way to get rid of choleara. Another way is by either taking over a small eastern european country or smashing everything that has to do with Maroon 5.
I will wrap this up by summing up everything I just ranted and raved about. Spring is good. Maroon 5 is not. Pinecones and invasions of former Soviet satillietes are good. And trying to act like a monkey while chasing Alec Baldwin down the street....well thats just funny. So go out and enjoy the sun. I, on the other hand am going to water my chocolate tree and pray to Freyr, Norse god of the Harvest.
Adieu
My nose is eating my face.

Three Chord Wonders (The essence of Punk and other muzaks)

People often complain that punk rock is nothing more then just a spikey haired jerk screaming into a mike while the lead guitarist plays nothing but three chords and the drummer hits the drums at an exceptional rate of speed and power. This is fact false. While yes, my little leather clad rebels, some punk bands actually do this and it happens to work quite well most go that extra mile and play maybe 4 or 5 chords in a song.
Lets take Green Day for example. They have a bass guitarist, Mike Dernt, a drummer, Tre Cool, and a guitarist/lead singer, Billy Joe Armstrong. Now this combination gives them an intresting sound. The bass in most songs is actually pretty prominent through most of their earlier songs (Longview as an example). The guitar is actually is just rythmic for the most part with some excellent riffs stuck in. Its really quite a unique and good sound. It allows for more lyrical content then just screaming into a mike and being angry at the world/government/people/Maroon 5.
Now we take a look on this magical school bus of a ride to one of my favorite bands, Tiger Army. Thier psychobilly sounds are quite pleasing in a creepy way. They consist of an upright bass, guitar and drums. And toegether create a really good sound. But what really sets Tiger Army and the whole psychobilly scene apart is the lyrics. Most of them can be called "hauntingly beautiful". Songs of death, love lost and loneliness that most punkers would just become angry and yell. A perfect melody and great lyrics really creates an excellent sound.
Finally before I get bored I must move to another great band, Thrice. They are a punk metal band that really captures the essence of punk. They have a lead guitar/vocals, bass, another guitar and drums. They have that hard edge sound that really is quite pleasing. This band is the pseudo-screamers. But the lyrical content is just amazing. This band is one that can truly be call metal punk.
So whats this about? Well, I cant seem to recall. So.....work it out on your own. New wave in the early 80's which lead to "hair metal" which lead to grunge which lead to pop which lead to...what? Rap? Hip hop? Rock? Ten years from now we might know but for now its a quagmire of music. Music needs a change. A new Hendrix, Beatles, Kiss, Ramones, Nirvana, Motley Crue someone that changes the face of music. I've said this numerous times and will continue to say it. Stereotypes need to go. In music, life and all other forms of society.
I leave you dear readers with this advice. Eat more grapfruit. For truly grapefruit can change the face of the world. A shining new sour, pinkish world it will be my ewoks.
Adieu.
My shirt is mocking me.

The problem with numbers

We have recently passed 1000 hits on this bl- Oooh, we're gonna get a thunder-shower! Excuse me, the radio's playing in the distance.
Anyhow, we have passed 1000 hits, and although I would have very much liked to be ornery, and refused to write this article simply because my esteemed colleague TPO pre-emptively obligated me to do so. I feel that you, the loyal reader deserves better than that- to be smote by my mighty hand, maybe. To be hunted like an animal, and have your head placed on a pike then danced around in a bizzarre ritualistic orgy of primitive god placating ferver- certainly. But to deprive you of a 1000 hit celebratory post- NEVER!
I urge you to enjoy this moment, savour the sweet juices of ill gotten gain. I would like to now regale you with tales of my adventures in capitolism, thus beginning a series of stories which will amuse, confuse and ultimately- PLACATION IS CAPITOLISM'S MEANS AND END!

Thus begins-

Tales of Interest!

Part 1: Tales out of work...

It becomes important when out of work to adopt a new, and very special point of view. You must cease to- nay, refuse to admit that monetary gain is either:

a) Easier than destitution

b) Helpful

c) Necessary to basic living in this society

But how? You ask, how can I simply ignore the fact that a capitolist society is based upon, and wholly dependent on the citizen populace working and making money. Observe.

Societor

(A tangeable reprisentation of society in human form):

"Working is easy, once you begin you will learn to enjoy it. In fact, you will find that you will learn to value yourself in terms of your paycheque, and the more tangeable objects which can be purchased with said paycheck."

Me:

"N'ah."

Societor:

"How will you live, you cannot live within this society if you will not bend to the will of me, Societor!"

(Now, here is where most would find no way of progressing onward without claiming to live in the woods in a hippie colony, but here is a simple trick to countering this argument...)

Me:

N'ah.

Societor:

No, but you. You can't just. Theres no way for you to. It just doesn't.

*POP*

And there you have it, In the future, you may find it useful to simply respond in any situation in terms of negation. I find it quite useful, not to mention fun.

Now, just for fun, lets have a brief and frank discussion about jobs, and our duty to our society.

The Frank truth about that thing that we do, no, not the thing at night, the other one, the daytime thing.

1) Working should be hard, that is it's nature. When work must be done, hard work is preferable. In that way, we increase the amount of time that can be spent drinking beer and barbequeing.

2) Of Time and Payscales- Your payscale, and all payscales are deliberately, and necessarily set BELOW what your time is worth. If not, no profit could be made; as profit is the grease that lubes the fat, bloated backside of capitolism.

2b) I cannot overstate this fact people, working is by necessity not worth your time, your boss is profiting through your labour, this is important, any time a tempting job offer comes along which may get you working again, just remember. It's not worth your time. Period.

Now, all this talk of capitolism, and lack of working makes you think, hmmm, this is sounding a lot like a comminism advocation- BUT NO!

In fact, I have come before you today to expose the MSN Communist Conspiracy!

Those of you who have downloaded the free (eh..eh...clue number one) MSN Messenger 7.0 patch, have no doubt noticed the amusing new animated winks. With the obnoxious womans laughter, the strip dancing piggy, and....the dancing young hipster with a RED STAR OF COMMUNISM emblazened onto his shirt! The preceeding exclamation point should show you just how shocking, and exciting this discovery is.

MSN is secretly, under the guise of simple amusement, brainwashing our youth with hidden communist propoganda. I have learned, through devious maneuvering, the full extent of MSN's plan; a three pronged attack on the sunconscious using liminal, sub-liminal, and super-liminal means.

I will now expose the full malevolence of this secret ploy by relating to you how I managed to surrepitously uncover this conspiracy.

Me:

I noticed that one of your MSN winks has a man dancing with a red star on him, does this constitute a threat to our capitolist system by an all out assault of communism?

President of MSN/BC:

Yes, yes it does.

Me:

Oh.

President of MSN/BC:

Yeah.

Me:

Well, don't you think it's pretty inconsistent for a huge corporaion, which has made billions and trillions of dollars by exploiting the capitolist system to suddenly appear as a communist aggressor?

President of MSN/BC:

Yes, yes it does.

But we don't think the readers will really notice, or mind this little inconsistency.

Me:

Neither do I.

President of MSN/BC:

Well good.

Have a nice day now.

Me:

You too, it was nice to speak to you.

So there you have it, my clandestine research which has led to this shocking expose.

In conclusion, I think I speak for all involved when I state that the problem with numbers is that there's too many of them. I mean, infinity, c'mon It's just rediculous...

Coming in part two:

Tales of Interest!

How many adjectives can you cram into a sentence?

I'll see you next time, and remember, never stop watching the Skeee's! And shooting turkey's.

Of Squirrels and Turkies

Many of you are wondering why I made a megaphone out of a squirrel in one of my odd and somewhat disturbing posts. And the answer to that my eggs sunny side up is simple. Goodnite.
Now why name this site Turkey shoot? And why have Insane Ramblings of the decreped as a title? And why do people think The Pretty One, me, is on drugs? All these questions will be answered in do time. Or I'll forget about them and move on to an obscure refrence to a thirties action movie.
So this is my blog. As you my brilliant pomperneckels can see we have had many posts. Some weird, some funny, some serious, some wierd, some weirdly funny. But why name it turkey shoot? Well think about it. Wouldnt you like to kill a turkey? Nasty, smelly mean little beasts they are. Ergo the reason we must kill the ugliness in our world and place more love and respect between our fellow men. *Snicker* I laughed at that myself. So why turkeyshoot? I dont know. It was funny at the time and still is. Now stop phoning me about the Sleep mattress bed.
The Insane ramblings of the dereped part is easy. Most of the people who post on this blog are insane or decreped. Or both. I fall into one category my pink furred Nim-Nims.
Later on my esteemed administrator friend Introspective Irishmen will post a congradulations to all the little people for helping us reach over 1000 hits. But I wont say anything yet. For its a surprise.
Whats the point my friends? Its all about finding someone. Maybe you will maybe you wont. Maybe you'll marry maybe you wont. Maybe you'll divorce at 23 maybe you'll be dancing the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversery. Maybe Im sounding like that really annoying song.
Anyhoo, I shall leave you my pumpkin eaters. Find out about life, love and luncheons. MAy the Force be with you. Unless youre lining up at the Chinese theatre waiting for the new star wars flick. Then youre a gimp.
Adieu
My feet have run off.

Burt and Ernie: Whats Going On There?

Could Seasame Street be telling us about the gay community through Burt and Ernie? Quite possible in my deranged mind. Lets face it. They have certain tendencies that lead us to believe that they are a couple. They sleep in the same room, and Ernie does not seem preturbed at all when his "roomate" Burt opens the door while hes playing with his "rubber ducky" in the tub. So yes I believe that childrens television is heliping our kids understand the modern world. Now Im not homophobic or a cannibal. Though I do enjoy the odd bite of a human once and a while.
The US has turned into a wierd little parody of itself. Promoting freedom and life while repressing the gays and still going along with the death sentence. I recently went to the land of the free and home of Dave as is my understanding. Could the border guards be anymore paranoid? I know that its on Yellow/Aqua/Maroon 5 (ugh) alert but still. Its Canada man. The worst we do is send down whoppers or Mary Jane. But enough political crap. Thats for my esteemed collegues CC and II to do. Im the crazy one. Or am I? MUHAHAHAHAHAA.....ha....yes.
So anyway I was recently fishing in northern Gooberdalloeyville. It was a cold day of April and the snow was falling along with the leaves and rain and...sun. That storys going nowhere so Im going to stop, change directions, maybe get an oil change and go back to whatever I was talking about before.
Sesame Street is incredibly odd to me. Im not into those kid shows. Though I do enjoy a good Spongebob once and a while along with Dave the Barbarian. I dont trust many kid shows. They're all wierd and confusing. Guess Im getting old. Oh well. Young people are stupid. I am one. I should know.
My point my darlings is this.Maybe we should be more tolerate of diffrent things. I hear to much of mobbings and stabbings. If we all took the time to discover one another itd be a nicer world. Im sorry I cant hold it any longer Im laughing my head off. Anywhatthecrap, Im going to say this. With more pull on our resources we need to ration everything but limes. Why? Because limes are the future my friends.
Thank you.
My eyes are trying to escape.

The Patriot Act

The Patriot act is coming due for renewal or cancellation.
This Act was passed during the weeks after the tragic 9/11 terror attacks in New York City, and was rushed through congress with virtually no dissent- hardly surprising given that the United States had just two weeks before suffered the most devastating terrorist attack to date, the citizen populace was in a state of histeria and anger, and that few in congress had actually read the 300 plus page Act.

There has more recently been an outcry denouncing the Act as an assault on civil liberties; resolutions having been passed in 152 communities across America, including several major cities, and three states, which condemn the Act as such. As well, several lawsuits, including one filed recently by the ACLU, urged the courts to remove or invalidate provisions of the act which threaten privacy or the right to due process.

Conversely, John Ashcroft has launched his "Patriot Rocks" concert tour, visiting 18 cities and meeting with local law enforcement officials in order to re-enforce what he sees as the act's virtues. Ashcroft states that had the Patriot act been in place earlier, 9/11 would never have happened, and that since the patriot act has been introduced, it has staved of more potential major terroriost attacks within the United States- a double negative that simply cannot be proved.

The question duly arises; how threatening is this Act, and what is truly within it? The answer is this; that parts of the Act formalize and regulate government conduct that was formerly unregulated- and potentially much more frightening before this act was passed. Other parts clearly do expand governmental powers and allow it to peer more closely into the lives of it's citizens.
Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Act is the lack of government candor in describing it's use. Inquiries from the Judiciary committee are classiffied, and FOIA (Freedom Of Information Act) requests have been half-answered, or blown off. In the absence of any real knowledge about how this Act has been used, one may justifiably fear it abstractly. To fear it's potential, since that is the only real knowledge we possess.

One of the most hotly contested parts of the Act has been Section 215 of the Patriot Act; which allows Federal law enforcement officials to conduct searches of your financial, library, travel, video rental, phone, medical, church, synagogue, and mosque records without your knowledge or consent, and essentially warrantless. The FBI needs now only to certify to a FISA (Foreign Intelligence Security Act) Judge- without need for evidence or probably cause, that the search protects against terrorism. As well, the Judge has no authority to reject this application. Section 215 does extend FBI power to conduct essentially warrantless records searches, even on people who are not themselves terror suspects, with little or no judicial oversight. The government sees this as an incremental change in the law, but the lack of meaningful judicial oversight and the expanded scope of possible suspects makes this a fairly dramatic shift in my eyes.

This controvercial Act contains articles which I find to be obstrusive and potentially unconstitutional, however also it serves to illustrate a fundamental problem with the post 9/11 governmental system. Amid accusations of wasteful spending, and outright fraud aimed towards the Department of Homeland Security, there are found to be legal loopholes which allow the purchase of firearms by individuals currently on government terrorist watch lists, at gun shows. While this loophole is defended by the NRA, the Patriot Act intrudes on the rights of American citizens who are not on watchlists, or suspected of any terrorist activities. The gross missapropriation of government sanctions and restrictions (on the law abiding, rather than those legitemately suspected of crime) is rediculous.

When taken to it's logical conclusion, yes, I will concede that passing laws which allow the government to watch the goings on of it's citizens will lower the chance of further terrorist activities; but is living in a repressive, closed society in which the populace is in constant fear and surveillance by it's government, in an Orwellian state, truly worth the protection from possible attacks? If we live in fear of terrorism, we have made ourselves victims of it, even if we never tangeably become victims of terrorism. The right to live in a free and open society comes with risks, it's difficult and dangerous, it leaves us open to crime and terrorism, but it is worth it. If we allow ourselves to surrender to peace of mind at the expense of freedom, then the dream of the United States of America is dead.

Always Whirling and Twirling

The world we live in will be soon filled up. Unbelievable? Maybe. Are you doing crack? Good question. I'd answer it if you weren't a pink elephant. Now then back to my wierd first statement. There are almost 7 billion people in the world. And very little of the earths surface can contain them. On the Home Islands of Japan they have basically run out of room to put all its citizens. Ergo they're building up. Is our world going to look like the Jetsons one day in our major cities? I dont know. Since when am I a psychic.
Everywhere you look new homes are being built further up and further in. Homes are bieng built on the sides of mountains to get that "panaramic" view. But what developers don't realize is that nature wasnt meant to be controlled by man. Look at homes that are built on hills. They first cut down all the trees so they can build the actual foundation. They dont realize that the trees are actually keeping the soil stable. So one day maybe after a good earthquake the entire million dollar plus home goes kaput do to unstablitity.
The more people there are the more crowded our world is gonna get. Plus we'll need more resources to feed, clothe and maintain those people. Which leads me to another point. Hippies.
Over here on the coast we have many new and old hippies. You know the kind. The "Make Love not War" types. Face it hippies. War is a natural occurence. There is no way to stop it. It is a part of our flawed humanity. Talking and making agreements will work you say, my Furbee-esque groupies? Lies! The ability to wield power makes it very difficult to agree to peace. There will always be war. Too many groups have to many problems. Governments will always be corrupt, revolutions will happen, and guerilla fighters will eat papaya.
So what are we to do? I could go the old punk route and say that we should live in a Mad Max soicety with no rules and anarchy riegning but thats just silly. So I will say this.There will be a World War 3. Argue, doubt and scoff at that point but deep down you know its true. North Korea has nuclear weapons. China is running out of room for its over 1 billion population. So yes my country bumpkins war is going to happen. When? I dont know. What am I? Tom Brokaw?
Kim Jung Il should eat some papayas. With his wierd haircut and very communist suit he is a bit wacky as it is. Papayas have a certain enzyme that once put in your body gives you a euphoric feeling.Ergo he should eat canned papayas. If you have no idea what Im going on about youre not alone. Im quite perplexed myself.
Anyway, I will allow you to dwell on this my flying potatoes. War is a human a occurence that is unfortunate but inevitable, the earth has too many people, Kim Jung Il needs to eat papayas, and I'm completely mad. So go out and stop protesting rather sing happy show tunes and enjoy the spring air. I on the other hand am going to try to catch the leprechaun that makes faces at me.
Thank you.
My left index finger screams.

Hemroid commercial song "Ring of Fire"? Is that Wrong?

There are to many commercials to prodcts I dont even understand. Watching my tellie the other day I was bombarded with images of couples hugging and laughing after they had taken a product that cured them of.....what? They didnt even explain the pill! They expect hypcondriacs to go out and by their products because they fear for the disease that they dont even know the cure is for!
Now Im calm. TV can be called an intellectual wasteland. Alas and yore its mostly true. Reality TV has taken over where sitcoms once riegned. The Amazing Race, Survivor, Fear Factor, The Apprentice etc. The list goes on and on. While sitcoms are slowly fading into the background. With a few exceptions of course. The Simpsons has to be one of the best written shoes in history. Since 199o it has brought us controverisal and hilarious episodes.
The song "Blue Monday" is played for a Mars bar commercial. Huh? Since when does a song about breakups have anything to do with some idiot wandering around with a chocolate bar making all the lights go on? That brings me to another derranged and possibly off topic point. Teen queens recording albums. I am absolutly sick of it. Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff and many more are now increasing thier popularity by selling albums to pre-teens. While real bands get dropped from thier labels, these little princesses record an album of computerized whining. Ugh. Which saddens me greatly. Its like Milli Vanilli.
You must remember them my sweet Devils Roses'. The infamous lyp-synching scam that took away thier grammy. Well now technology has changed all that! You just have too look good and dance well and boom! You're a singer. Your voice could be absolute crap. All the producers have to do is put your voice in the computer, digitalize it til it sounds like something you hear outta Star Trek and then you get a number one single! Yaay!
So whats this about? I forget. But thats beside the point my long legged audience. The point is that somethings in our world just should not be. If your a struggling band trying to get a record deal, how much does it suck to be denied so some good-looking bozo can make more money for the company.
I will leave you now because I need to be fed. So my Boulvine Betties, try not to get sucked into the commercial void. Get off the consumer treadmill and find something you can truly support. Or have tapioca. Either way youre making a diffrence.
Also Johnny Cash ate tapioca.
Adieu.
My head burns. boo-urns. whatever. nevermind. COBAIN.

C'mon and Get on the Trollie

People in the 30s, 40s and 50s were way cooler then they were in the 80s,90s and today. They had more style more flair and generally a more zest for life. Why? you magnificent people ask. Easily. By looking at the clothing of the day. In the thirties fedoras and suits were the fashions of the day. Zuit suits and large hats were the classic thing of the age. The 40s brought us swing, 30s brought in jazz although it was al ready well established in black society. and the 50s brought us that wonderful music called rock-a-billy and what is now called rock 'n' roll.
Now lets look at the 80's. Wearing short shorts, mullets and listening to hair metal was "cool". So you drive down in your 1985 Trans Am. Aviators glinting in the light while your parachute pants and tight t-shirt flap in the wind. Sythesizer music blaring. Ugh. 80's music was way too wrapped up in the glitz and glam. While yes there were some good tunes that came out the majority was absolute garbage.
The early 90s were better. The death of "hair metal" and the rise of the depressing grunge era clothing and music changed. Bands like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and of course Nirvana brought us new fashions. Checkered lumberjack shirt, white t-shirt, Doc Martens, and of course ripped jeans. The grunge look was in. Until the same shirt you could buy at some second-hand store for $5 suddenly became a $120 shirt at a designer store. So grunge died slowly but its effects on music and the world was quite amazing.
Then there was the "pop" years. Im going to just skip that because as much as I would love to gush about the Backstreet Boys, N*sync, Spice Girls and Britney, I would have to shoot off my left foot.
So here we are in 2005. Style has become something of the past. The English language is become more and more dumbed down do to "webspeak". Language was so much better in the thirties. Hence why I urge you dear big band member readers to go out and start using thirties slang. Like that Simpsons episode with the carnies. We could revolutionize the world my friends.
Now then I'll do my part if you do yours. I will construct a megaphone out of some string, a squirrel, a few twigs and.....a megaphone. It shall be hard but I'll try.
Swing briefly came back in the late 90's but quickly died do to the demand for Latin pop. MAybe its time for it to come back again instead of the Stalinistic grip pop has on us. Speaking of Stalin I believe I have a solution. If you read my first post on this....thinger then you will know that Stalins chemical balance in the brain was disrupted by lack of canned fruit. Maybe thats what we need my kangaroo loving munchkins. So go start using 30s slang while eating canned fruit in your 1985 Trans Am. And dont ask me why I tied a squirrel to a megaphone.
Thank you.
I twitch oddly.

Overly Dramatic or Over-used?

My friends, we are in a musical slump. Rock, rap, hip hop, country (ugh), pop, and all other forms of music have gotten boring. Except polka. But we'll come to that when we get there. So why is there such a bad trend in music? Why cant bands stop sounding the same or posing? Why are you so gosh-darn downright, drop dead sexy Oh Pretty One? These questions and more are sure to be answered if my A.D.D doesnt kick in.
Now then I wont go on rants about rap or hip hop or country or pop because I dont know much about those forms of music. Shocking I know. So I will move straight to the rock side of the music spectrem. So my lovlies, we have a band. They sound good, look good and generally do the whole rock-and or -roll "thang". But whats this? They get signed and BOOM! image make over. They are now hard rocking punks instead of the more soothing Radiohead and Death from above 1979. And why you ask? Because they need to be produced for a more general audience. Lets take a look at my home province band of Nickleback.
Everyone knows at least one song by them unless you've been living in a box behind a Denny's for the last 5 or 6 years. Now then, Nickleback are a wildly succesful band going platnium on many of their albums. The record executives see this and realize that they can make more money by finding "look-alike bands" hence the trend of "generic rock".
While there are some good bands on the radio I must go on a rant against the POP punk Montrealers known as Simple Plan. Simple Plan wear black clothes, piercings tattoos and claim to live the punk lifestyle. Yet they right catchy and more often then not whiny songs about being misunderstood. They are claiming to be punk while making millions of dollars selling records to depressed 14 year olds. Very sad. But not uncommon. Punk bands, unless incredibly persistent, sell out and become less then legit to their original fans. Green Day can be called sell outs after the song "Time of your life (Good Riddance)" came out in 1997. They're an excellent band that write amazing songs. Blink 182 before they got Travis as a drummer, were an excellent real punk band. Thier first album "Cheshire Cat" wasnt a major commercial success but it was still a good punk album. Even "Dude Ranch" thier second was a good album. Then Scott, the original drummer left the band to persue other ventures Blink realized they could make more money by selling more public friendly albums. I will say again that both these bands are good so I wont get lawyers banging down my door.
So my advice to you my hopefully clothed and amazingly intelligent reader is to find a good underground band. There are tons out there. Each with their own unique sounds and qualities that might appeal to you. If you enjoy punk then I'd say head over and look for a label called Epitaph records. All sorts of good punk bands have joined them and perhaps you'll find something you like.
Now we are at a close and I will state my above thought. Rock and music in general has gotten dull. Mostly same sounding bands all over the radio. So go my little flying monkeys and find a good underground band and premote them. Or start a band yourself. Or start a record label. Im not going to tell you what to do with you life. Now then, go find yourself some poutine and enjoy the weather.
Thank you and goodnight.
I've misplaced my pants.

Aliens: Fact or Da Vinci Code?

Now I will asume that most of you have read the Da Vinci Code. That book which states that Mary and Jesus had a child. Based off the authors blatant guesses by seeing the painting of the last supper. Secret societys, burnings, heresys, denials, a royal bloodline. Sounds to me more like an adventure novel (which it is) we like to believe that some of Jesus remains on this earth.But its all bupkiss. Thats right, bupkiss! How do I, the great and powerful Pretty One know this? Well my ham steaks, the entire thing is made-up.
Da Vinci's painting of the last supper shows a man seated on the right of Jesus, who looks like a woman (creepy like a fellow contributor on this blog I must admit). That is, in fact, John the Baptist. If you search on this wide web for John the Baptist paintings by Da Vinci you will see he painted him in a feminine form all the time. Ergo the assumption that Mary was part of the disciples and was actually married to Jesus is diddly.
The whole Holy Grail thing too is made up. The documents that were "found" by some other authors were made up by them. They say that the Holy Grail is not the Arthurian legend cup that we assume it to be. Rather its a bloodline. BUPKISS! The shroud of Turone, the spear that pierced Jesus while he was on the cross, a cup that caught Jesus' blood while he was on the cross. These are the relics we try to associate with being near Jesus. Are the true? I have no idea. Since when am I a scholar? Anyhoo, the bloodline right. There is no royal bloodline of Jesus. The Church is not suppressing any "truths" in that matter.
So my friendly and possibly cheese eating audience do not read the Da Vinci code as if it were a truth. Rather read it as a adventure story. Books taken to seriously have dire consequences. IE the Quest for the Holy Grail (the cup not the bloodline).
So now I will leave you. You may disagree and you may argue but really the chances are slim I will actually take heed to them. Besides if I have a goal its to sexually satisfiy each and every one of you.
Also Dan Brown has a round head.
Thank you my pretties and good nite or day
My socks itch.

I am once again sobered by the greatness of the world

I feigned interest for nearly fifty minutes before the constriction in my chest closed my airway and forced me to emit a short, gutteral, spasmatic grunt, much like the call of a bull elk upon returning to his favorite grazing pasture, only to find a large ring of condominiums. Pleasantly divided with perfectly symmetrical asphalt roads, studded with immature, transplanted oaks and hemlocks; more than vaguely reminiscent of the young families which will soon habitate this formerly serene pasture. Immature, transplanted.
"What was that?" My none too observant table-mate asked, before, without further delay, returning to the topic of "conversation."
My mind drifted backwards, so few days. A lifetime of silence.
A lifetime born, and lived in these few days.
I remember the sounds; the rough slaps of the raindrops on the grey roadways, the dull scratch of the burly chested, masculine robins, as they strut around the dull metallic rim of the light posts.
The clouds running a cold fingertip over the feminine curves of the green mountains, their pure tips, daring the struggling sun to melt their soft, flowing comforter of snow.
I remember the look, the feeling, the constriction in my chest, the peace.
I remember her eyes.
I remember the absolute certainty, no metaphysical argument, no philosophical struggle of ideals or of reality. Just certainty.
The pure, raw visceral certainty of what I've always known;
of what I had just understood.
All qualms of cyclical reality, and philosophics melt away, and I simply knew, and I had always known.
The realization had permeated through my every cell, my every memory, like the soft fingers of dye meandering through the very heart of the clear translucent, and now, evanescent waters of my heart. My soul.
This is a feeling like death, a sweet release, so absolute, so terrifyingly abrupt, sudden, and complete.
And I knew...I knew.
The bull moose is startled by the sound of a minivan, carrying the transplanted young family to their new home, their new life, where the past can be forgotten, and the future be sown along the symmetrical streets, below the hemlock and oak.
He turns his great head, his velvet antlers towards the light woods, the droplets of sun, falling like raindrops through the outstretched leaves of the gnarled, mighty oaks.
And I am with him.
I split the check without protest, though I had only one drink, stood up and walked along the soft grass of the short carpet, through the glass doors, and into the wind splayed downpour,
teardrops of rain streaming down the lightly tinted doors, running off the end of the large brass nose.
I walk slowly; listening to the rough slap of the raindrops,
on the grey roadway.

Guys

Why is it that every guy wants to kill something? Why does university, the place where we are supposed to be civilized, turn us into the killbots of hate that we are? I believe that our society destroys all that it means to be a man. Why do we hate our childhood because school keeps us in a box and then overmedicates us with ridiline if we step out of line, and then packs the most obedient off to university to further perpetuate the enslavement of the male spirit? Then we grow up into emasculated men who work in cubicles, cower at our wives, and then end it all with a pistol and a glass of rum with barbituates. Break free men. Go and run free in the forest and kill a small animal with your bare hands and then eat it. I speak metaphorically, but still my point stands. Throw aside this wossey man facade which corrupts our souls. We don't need to be macho men, but still be strong. That is what guys are supposed to be. I want to go and climb a mountain right now, yet alas it is late and I have school work to do. What a perfect example. Why not just call me a gelding to the school system. So men, chop off the hand that will emasculate you before it is too late. Down with Louraina Bobit. I need to go pick a fight with a burley russian. Good day gentlemen.

the philosopher one

Parenting guide: The Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to "healthy" parenting

(Transcribed from "Dr. Larry Kidkill Live in Cincinnatti")

Hello there, I'm Dr. Larry Kidkill, and I'm here to teach you, the Dr. Larry Kidkill guide to healthy child rearing, or as I like to call it, the "We don't take no guff plan." I can see it in your faces, you've got problems at home, the kids won't show you respect, these teens are out of control, and I can see that you've tried everything. But not quite....you've never tried the we don't take no guff plan! Today, I'm gonna show you in just a few simple steps, how to get from sadness and frustration, to a perfect family, the easy way! I would like to be the first to welcome you the the straight forward road to familial bliss!

Step one- Folks, the very simple first step in my method, is to identify the particular problem that's facing you, and coming between you and your family's happiness. Now, in most cases, it's a small number of concentrated undesireable traits that we've got to work on, now these can range from guff, lip, sass, disrespect, and generally not knowing their place. well come on parents, it's our job to SHOW EM' THEIR PLACE!...cough*..ahem....

Step two- Parents, this may seem a little obvious, but you've got to know your kids, what kind of parents would we be otherwise. You've got to be effective observers, and you've got to build a bond with your kids; how else are you gonna know how to effectively exploit theior fears and insecurities to most dramatically hold them in line. Maybe little jimmy loves his chocolate bars, or maybe Jane has low self esteem. you've got to play off these fears, and know whether a child will respond better to whuppings, food punishments, beratement, or whatever else. You've. got. to. know. your. kids.

Step three- We live in a culture folks, and that culture would have our kids walking all over us, outta control, so we've got to work inside our culture, and not go over the line. Example, if your kid is giving you lip, it would seem the most logical thing to do would be to split that lip open with a quick right to the mouth, but no. That's abuse. We've got to know our kids (see Step two), and use a little pro-activity, and creativity to get the sort of behavior we want out of our kids. For instance, if you give that lippy kid a little time to cool down, then grab a sack full of oranges and beat him with that, there'll be no bruising (on the kid, not the oranges) and they'll get the message. On top of that, allowing the child to cool down not only allows you time to fetch your sack of oranges, it gives the adrenaline in the angry child time to disperse, which only makes your delayed punishment more effective. A second example, use every psychological edge you can get, for instance, by making a child fetch the physical reprisentation of their own punishment for you, reinforces within them that it is them who is causing this punishment through their behavior, not simply you.

Step four- Avoid cliche's, now this may seem a little strange at first thought, but using traditional cliche's (for instance, this hurts me more than it hurts you) gives the child tangeable connections with the punishments of others, including yourself when you were a child, which reduces the psychological impact of the punishment.

Step five- Parents, punishments aren't enough, you've got to make meaningful connection with your kids if you want them to behave, and to have a healthy relationship. If you ignore your kids, thy'll replace you as an authority figure with others outside the home. We can't have that, it must always be imparted into the child that you are the supreme authority in their lives, that way there will be little deviation, as long as their is also the threat of repercussion.

Well, thats it folks, five simple steps to a happy family. It's just that simple, you define yourself as the supreme authority over your children, and then enforce it quickly, effectively, and brutally. You'll never have a happier, quieter family.

(I've written this as an expose of sorts, into the very simple justification which can be made for the near abuse, rather than love of your children. By seeing just how small a step it is, I hope to create in ingrained wariness and avoidance of this symptom. I do know that effective justification for this behavior can in some cases be made, but love must never leave the equasion, and not the sort of love found in the statement "this hurts me more than it hurts you"..........

Listen keyboard, just because I push ALL your buttons, ALL the time, does not give you the right to snap at me, and be argumentive.

Jedi, Sith and All Things Lucas

George Lucas. There Ive said it. You now have a feeling about him. Love him, hate him, think hes in it for the money, thinks hes in it for the fans. It doesnt matter. George Lucas is brlliant. How did he become brilliant? Well my spring chickens after minutes of thinking something up I have discovered how Geroge Lucas came up with his wild, imaginative and beautiful Star Wars series.
We must travel back in time to the year 1965. After a long nite of studying at Calcutta University George decided to relax by smoking some opium he harvested in his dorm window. After tripping out, George started writing of a time long ago in a galaxy far far away. After waking up the next day in a stupor George accidently handed in his ideas for Star Wars instead of his thesis on the mating habits of seagulls (which by the way is riveting). He was then kicked out of C.U. and sent back to America. In 1977, the fourth installment of the Star Wars trilogy was in place. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, R2-D2, 3-CPO, Vader, Palpatine, Jar Jar. Ok so I lied about the last one. Let us never mention the name of a certain annoying gungan ever again.
Now we flash foward to the year 1999. George Lucas is planning to finish the series with the first three episodes. Starring Ewan Macgregor, Hayden Christenson, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Yoda. The first two were only mild success' after harsh critical and fan based voices were heard. Will the third installment, Revenge of The Sith, make Georgie boy a hero or a villian in the eyes of the public? We'll just have to wait another 2 months.
The third installment was shot entirely with digital film which will make this one of best looking films ever. Now before I said Mr. Lucas smoked opium. That was an untruth. Actually his true and secret way of making a classic movie involves one simple ingredient. Tacos. Yes, my lovely and possibly one-eyed gungan audience, tacos. Ive said to much already though and I think I hear the Imperial March song coming. Which means people from Lucasfilm are coming with white armour and blasters.
So whats the point you ask? Firstly, what a stupid question. Does anything I do make sense? No. Secondly, it gives you hope my precious' . Mayhaps after supping on tacos one nite you come up with the next great film of the century. Or maybe its just gas. What do I know? So young Padawans I leave you with this advice. The more you eat crazy food suggestions from some wierd guy on a blog, the more you realize how gullible you are.
George Lucas also has a pompadour and a beard.
Thank you and goodnite.
THAT CUP is coming on to me.

Why Pringles Are Evil

Pringles. The silent killer? Well maybe not but still. Pringles are the only known potato chip known to man that come in a tube. Now what good and holy thing, my prettys come in a tube? Thats right...diddly. Other then yogurt and glue. Both of which are tasty and gooey. But why oh why did the Pringles chip company choose to place their product in a tube? Only I in my incedibly beautfiul features could find out. With some money we raised by robbing ban.....I mean bake sales, the contributers of this blog bought a plane ticket and headed to where ever it is Pringles are made. We brought a camera along too to catch the whole thing on film. Unfortunatly, Introspective Irishman and his lack of english skills aparent brought a camera camera not a film camera. Eventually we wandered away from the tourgroup (with some delectable snacks I might add) and ended up in the CEO's office. There we saw the face of Pringles. Quite literally. He looked exactly like the picture on the can. Hair parted in the middle, no nose to speak of, massive handlebar moustache and a pasty complex. It was no surprise that he spoke with a British accent then. He claimed that when Pringles first started they were going to be a tennis ball delievery company. But unfortuantly ast that time they had a "wacko" as a CEO. A creepy man with a glass eye and constantly talks about how he "killed fitty men with a flyin' fish", Mr. Baxter. So the new formed Pringles company started up and waited for the first shipment of tennis balls. Unfortunatlier, a mistake on the shipping order said potatoes and not tennis balls. At that point Mr. Pringle took over and thrust the creepy Mr. Baxter out of the company. and as the trucks rolled in and the employees gasped with shock Mr. Pringles said, "What the heck? Cut em up. " Ergo cementing his place in history. When asked about the whereabouts of the former CEO Mr Baxter, we were promptly shown out of the factory. But as luck would have it there on the street corner was a small stand. And lo and behold Mr. Baxter, creepy eye and all was there selling beets. "BEETS! BEETS!" he screamed at us. Slowly stirring the pot of bubbling beets and what appeared to be flying fish.
So my little munchkins what is the moral of my derranged and highly improbable story? I have little or no idea. Find out for yourselves. So think, live, love and eat beets.
Adieu.
THAT CLOCK is making faces at me!

HAPPY IRISH-AMERICAN DRINKING DAY!

Yes me wee leprachauns its that special day of the year that the insane Irish made especially for drinking. Not like any other day is an excuse mind you. Today, the 17th of March, the day St. Patrick came to the Emerald Ilse and drove all the rats and snakes out of Ireland. So to celebrate the Irish.....drink. Along with the rest of the Western world.
No matter where you go you'll see St. Patty's Day parades, green clothing, thick irish brogues and beer. Not that beer is the only form of alcohol. Ho ho. Now the Irish have become such an itricate part of our culture that we can't escape them no matter what. Over 40% of North Americans claim to have at least a hint of the red haired, loud, friendly, soused people we call the Irish. St. Patrick was also the man who designed the Sun feature on the Celtic cross. Do we need more reason to drink? No. While the majority of Administrators on this blog are of Irish heiratge someehere along the line. The Pretty One, me, moi etc, am not. So why is the crazy funny man telling us about St Patricks Day when he himself isn't at all Irish? Well, dear loveable and possibly hairy readers I drew the short straw. And the others are too drunk to stand on thier own two feet. But thats beside the point.
So my lovlies let us drink to the health of Ireland and may you be forever changed on this day. For what tommorrow brings no one knows. So eat drink, sing, and generally be merry on this most boozed up today. Now go out to the bars, pubs, kitchens and living rooms and drink yourselves sick with green beer and cookies.

Punk Explaination For The "Man"

Punk by definition can be anything. Its rebelling against auothrity and the generally norm/the crowd. Its going against the crowd and doing your own thing. Now, my honey bunchs this may shock you to learn there are many variations and styles to the wide genre known as "punk".
Punk orginated in London around the late 70's. It was the time when the slogan "disco sucks" riegened. Then slowly punk came to the New World. Bands like the Sex Pistols, the Ramones, The Clash and many others slowly began getting a following.
Punk is not just spikey haired, leather wearing tight pants, pierced dirty individuals who are socially awkward and cant function in society so they rebel. NO! While the majority are like that there are diffrent levels. Some are the sneering angry people you see but more then not they are the skaters or those you like their music like they like there lovers. Loud, Fast and with lots of incoherent screaming. Which brings me to another point.
There are variations of punk. Theres punk rock, punk, ska punk, psychobilly, punk metal and hardcore punk. Each have there own unique style and sound. From the more rock-a-billy sounds of psychobilly to the trumpet and trombone blaring ska punk. From the Rancid to the Thrice. From Social Distortion to Greenday. There are diffrent styles and sounds of punk. Punk will always change the face of music but punk rock isnt the only form. There can be punk rap, punk hip hop, punk country? Well maybe not that far but still. Love live punk. Now my little pierced peons go eat your chili and fries. Adieu

Michael Moore & Peter Jackson: The secret sex relationship

After many years of exhaustive research, we have uncovered the guarded secret hidden deep within the federal files, and birth certificates of both Americas spokesman of the left, Michael Moore, and New Zealand's directing phenom/ hobbit, Peter Jackson. Their secret sex scandal dates back as far as the earliest memories the respective parties hold. Not only were the two secretly born as twins in Djiboudi, to pygmy tribes people parents, they are both what would be popularly referred to as "Hobbits". Born during the Marxist revolution in Djiboudi, the two were seperated by the Red cross, and placed in their respective countries. The medical term "Hobbitism" predisposes the sufferer to binge eating, resulting in a portly figure, the wild growth of patchy facial hair, massive foot growth, and pipe smoking, as well an an almost insane fixation on underground holes, and mushrooms. For year, the two were seperated without any idea of their own family roots, until the 1992 directorial convention in Lake Tahoe. Upon realization of their common heritage and affliction, the two embraced lovingly, and with much tears shed, and pipes smoked the loving reunion was complete. Michael Moore went on to direct stinging leftist propoganda, and Peter Jackson to embrace the roots of his affliction, directing the much lauded Lord of the rings trilogy.
Now we realize that you may at this point be wondering what this had to do with a "sex relationship" well, do not be dissapointed, that time has come. For you see both Michael moore, and Peter jackson, are, to the best of OUR knowledge and research, both of the male gender. Why the english language persists in this needless repetition of terms (gender, sex) to explain one matter is beyond me, especially with such an oft misunderstood term as "sex".
Also they both have brown hair.
Thank you and goodnight.
THAT LAMP tried to kill me!

Why Cannibals Could Just Eat You Up

Humans taste like salty pork. Yes, my little love doves it shocked me as well. But I spoke to my good friend Gor'Ke, a well known Polyneisan cannibal to get the inside scoop. (No pun intended). Gor'Ke claims that after boiling his "dish" for many hours the salt content of the human body rises amazingly creating a salty pork like taste. Now, we may think that cannibals are found only in remote areas but there are many living in our suburbs and cities. LIKE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Im sorry but I couldnt help myself. Now, how can we guard ourselves against such a distinguished foe? Easly. Two words. Salt water. I know, I know, its a bit "risque" but still trust me. Now allow me too explain. My friend Gor'Ke claimed that after a day of finding a body of an explorer in a the sea and the cooking him he claimed it tasted so bad he had to eat a pound of sand to get rid of the taste. Ergo if we as the general population drink 10 glasses a day of saltwater we will greatly reduce our chances of being eaten by cannibals.
However seeing as how there is a lack of salt water in the middle part of the continent they will be the first to go. The prairie folk will be eaten first because of thier lack of salt water content. Sad, yes but it is enivitable. So my advice to you is this. Drink your salt water, lock your doors and view everyone (I MEAN EVERYONE) with suspision. The cannibal could be your co-workers, your friends, even your family. So be careful and be safe and if you see anyone drooling and staring at you with hungry eyes. Throw glitter in their eyes. Now go eat your pizzas and chips. Thank you and adieu.