Too Many Penguins

Four years ago today I was cleaning up an oil spill in northern Antartica. I cleaned the penguins until their tuxedos gleaned like they were going to the Oscars. It wasn't my choice for you lovely and dear jackalopes know that I, TPO, care little for.....anything. But since I had to do community service for an "incident". Im not allowed to talk about it fully. The court case is still going through. So there I was boiling under the hot sun, wiping oil off penguins. Such is my life.
But then out of no where. Well not quite no where. I mean, he didnt just appear in a puff of smoke. Or did he? Curse my memory. Anyway, the point is Dennis Miller came. Now I dont know why he was there nor did I really care. I was too cold to care much for anything. So Mr. Miller walked over to where a group of us "guests" were watched over by "fun police" and began on one of his customary ravings.
Now, I dont want to get off on a rant here, but why do networks put up with him? He goes on for 20 min about nothing. Yes, we all know similies are fun but cmon people. So he was spouting off about the cold. Colder then when the Russians came to Polish Independence day he said. Thats when I realized something. The rest of my group was entrance by his motor mouth. I was the only one who resisted. I guess my beauty was too much even for him. So slowly, as he went on about Tom deLay, I picked up a penguin. I hurled it at him. The penguin squaked and then hit him square in the chest. My group immidiatly broke out of thier spell and began to pummel Dennis with penguins. But what made my group of "inmates" go on a penguin bashing Dennis Miller rage? I will tell you my chicky birds.
Maroon 5. Thats right. Thats all they played up there in Antartica. Over and over and over. So as we were cleaning oil off the water fowl, we had to put up with horrible music. Now what sane person wouldnt want to beat someone with a penguin after a few months of that?
The moral of the story my subordinates is this. If you see a penguin, hurl it at a well known comic. Dont ask questions. Just do it. Its an impulse. Give into your primal rage. So while youre all doing that I'm going to train an elite force of hippos to tap-dance into the UN to save it from Bolton. Hows that going to work? Oh, you'll see.
So go out and clean penguins on this lovely friday. And if you see Dennis Miller, run for your lives. And if you see Maroon 5, even Maroon 1 , please pick up something and hurl it at them. For the good of all that is holy, do it.
Adieu
My finger nails need to feed.