I was driving my 1976, two tone, two cynlinder, Gremlin down near the border betweeen Arizona and Mexico the other day. Happily whistling "Vacation Holiday" by the Gogos....I mean singing along to "Incoporeal" by (find out and win a prize). Anyway, all of a sudden I saw something incredibly odd. Four or five people darted out from underneath a fence right in my way. Well, if I hadnt stopped a good 25 feet from them we all couldve died.
So I carefully opened the passenger side door and crawled out fo my Gremlin. Then I saw them close up. It was John Bolton and some illegal immigrants. Needless to say I was startled. What was a UN diplomat canidate doing crawling under a fence near Tombstone Arizona? Mr. Bolton quickly ran up to me. Punched me in the head. And stole my Gremlin.
Several hours later I woke up with only a burlap sack covering my body. It was cold in the desert a fact I didnt realize til right then. So I began wandering alone. Coyote howls mixed with the roar of a T-Rex I thought I saw. Turned out later to be a cactus. Hey, Im a city boy. What do you suspect, Grizzly Adams?
Anywho, I walked alone for about 3 hours in the chill of the night. When as I came over a hill, almost dying from dehydration I saw a flash of metal. Running towards it a Gordon Campbell-esque drunk run I quickly found a metal locker buried in the desert. On finding no key I pick up a rock smashed it open. Inside laid what I never expected to find. Social Security checks. Hundreds of millions of them.
So I started a fire with them. Hey, I was cold. Besides I dont think any of them were yours. Unless your names started or ended with an 'A', then Im afraid its going to be a long winter. Anywhatthecrap, after I was toasty warm I promptly fell asleep.
Thats when the horror of horrors reached me. I woke up happy. Then began to get my bearings. I was hit by a realization. I had woken up, in the middle of a Maroon 5 concert. My mind was going to explode from the noise of the air-raid, off tune, annoying and lame sounds of the band. Their entire fan base was there. All 12 of them. I took off faster then Bush when he hears the word oil.
Now I wont bore you people on how I made it out of the desert. Needless to say it involves some RANGERS who have POWER. The point my friends is this. If you can find a kiwi youll survive in the desert. And if you ever find yourself in a Maroon 5 concert, run like your feet are going out of style. Now I must go and find my Gremlin.
Adieu.
My thumbs are marching to Krakow.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Warning labels
Cigarettes have warning labels.
These often graphic depictions of blackened lungs, gummed up aortas, or even amusing little limp cigarretes to show how smoking increases erectile dysfunction; are supposed to stem the tide of new smokers, and help convince habitual smokers to quit. As far as I can tell, these graphic pictures have not had the desired effect; they have not halted smoking, they have not stopped new smokers form starting, and often, smokers collect the boxes, in an attempt to collect the whole set.
Now, I digress. The purpose of my little rant is to ask, why smoking?
Why has smoking alone been targeted for this campaign of graphic deterrant images?
I maintain that as long as one social issue is being targetted (smoking and the concurrent health issues) why not others?
Every bottle of Jack Daniels should have a picture of a wife with a black eye, every pack of beer should have a picture of a puddle of vomit and urine in a sleazy bar's mens-room, and every bottle of sambuca should have a picture of a drunken italian knife fight. (ps. This does not constitute an attack on any of the above mentioned brands of products...we LOVE them all.)
But fair is fair.
Liver damage, domestic abuse, fatal car accidents, and splitting headaches all link to alcohol use; why then has the government attampted to regulate cigarettes and not drinking. Now, I don't support the government heavily regulating it's citizens, or living in a repressive closed society, but I would like a government who is genuinely interested in the well being of it's citizens and regulates the products available to us with a fair hand, not picking and choosing what it likes and doesn't like.
All I wish is that either the government would cease to use this negative imagery on packaging, or that they would consistently apply it to all potentially harmful products- that and find a way to get rid of this pounding headache and hangover...
Adieu.
These often graphic depictions of blackened lungs, gummed up aortas, or even amusing little limp cigarretes to show how smoking increases erectile dysfunction; are supposed to stem the tide of new smokers, and help convince habitual smokers to quit. As far as I can tell, these graphic pictures have not had the desired effect; they have not halted smoking, they have not stopped new smokers form starting, and often, smokers collect the boxes, in an attempt to collect the whole set.
Now, I digress. The purpose of my little rant is to ask, why smoking?
Why has smoking alone been targeted for this campaign of graphic deterrant images?
I maintain that as long as one social issue is being targetted (smoking and the concurrent health issues) why not others?
Every bottle of Jack Daniels should have a picture of a wife with a black eye, every pack of beer should have a picture of a puddle of vomit and urine in a sleazy bar's mens-room, and every bottle of sambuca should have a picture of a drunken italian knife fight. (ps. This does not constitute an attack on any of the above mentioned brands of products...we LOVE them all.)
But fair is fair.
Liver damage, domestic abuse, fatal car accidents, and splitting headaches all link to alcohol use; why then has the government attampted to regulate cigarettes and not drinking. Now, I don't support the government heavily regulating it's citizens, or living in a repressive closed society, but I would like a government who is genuinely interested in the well being of it's citizens and regulates the products available to us with a fair hand, not picking and choosing what it likes and doesn't like.
All I wish is that either the government would cease to use this negative imagery on packaging, or that they would consistently apply it to all potentially harmful products- that and find a way to get rid of this pounding headache and hangover...
Adieu.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Violence and Valley of Dreams
Walking down the street the other day I was attack by a squirrel with a switchblade. Now, I know that everyones got to make a living but cmon, robbing a poor college age student at knife point? Thats just low. Anyway, the squirrel was waving the knife and mumbling. Thats when I realized he was on "shrooms" as the kids call it these days. But after a few moments of waving the knife and yelling about the state of the grass, he ran off leaving his knife.
Luckily, there was a police officer there who noticed the whole incident. Now, I dont personally like cops. They always look at me like I did something...usually because I did but thats beside the point. Anyway, the cop called in where the attack took place and gave me some tissues so I dry my ey.....I mean, he gave me a gun so I could shoot that gol' durn squirrel. Yeah, thats it. So about 6 cop cars came and roared up by the tree where the squirrel was listening to, guess.
Thats right. Maroon 5. Apparently shroom effected squirrels who are violent and angry enjoy listening to a band that sounds like a grade 3 school musical. The squirrel was running back and forth and had somehow gotten hold of a rifle. Mumbling, drooling and foaming at the mouth the squirrel took pot shots at the cops.
Now, Im no legal expert, but through my own expierence I find that shooting at cops is a generally bad idea. Thats where the SWAT team comes in. They roared up in their armoured van and piled out. They took positions around the ol'oak tree and were prepared to off the squirrel. Unfortunatly they didnt notice his druggie squirrel friends bind and gag me and drag me to the tree. It was a hostage situation. All the squirrels wanted was to watch Jon Stewart's Daily Show and a bag of Cheetos. I was weeping like a little girl. I mean, wetness was coming out of every oriface I had. Too much info? Too bad.
One of the squirrels, whom I dubbed "Chucky", was chain smoking with his Tommy Gun in hand. But unfortunatly while in thier drugged state they didnt realize that wood burns and smoking cigarettes in a tree is a bad idea. The whole thing went up like a matchstick. Im not going to bore you with how I got out. Well more fell out of said tree. You can watch the video on the 11 o'clock news.
So whats the point? Here it is my marshmellows. Squirrels should not be given shrooms or weapons. And if you dont like that one heres another. Maroon 5 should not be listened to. Easy as that. My advice to you, my lovely audience is this, instead of violence we should try to find the valley of dreams. "It is said not to exist but I have seen". If anyone kind find out who sings the song they win an evening of love making courtesy of yours truly. So go out on this Monday and beware the squirrels they're armed! BE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING! Maybe I could get squirrels to sabatoge the Maroon 5 tour bus. Hmm.
Adieu
My belly button shouts profanities.
Luckily, there was a police officer there who noticed the whole incident. Now, I dont personally like cops. They always look at me like I did something...usually because I did but thats beside the point. Anyway, the cop called in where the attack took place and gave me some tissues so I dry my ey.....I mean, he gave me a gun so I could shoot that gol' durn squirrel. Yeah, thats it. So about 6 cop cars came and roared up by the tree where the squirrel was listening to, guess.
Thats right. Maroon 5. Apparently shroom effected squirrels who are violent and angry enjoy listening to a band that sounds like a grade 3 school musical. The squirrel was running back and forth and had somehow gotten hold of a rifle. Mumbling, drooling and foaming at the mouth the squirrel took pot shots at the cops.
Now, Im no legal expert, but through my own expierence I find that shooting at cops is a generally bad idea. Thats where the SWAT team comes in. They roared up in their armoured van and piled out. They took positions around the ol'oak tree and were prepared to off the squirrel. Unfortunatly they didnt notice his druggie squirrel friends bind and gag me and drag me to the tree. It was a hostage situation. All the squirrels wanted was to watch Jon Stewart's Daily Show and a bag of Cheetos. I was weeping like a little girl. I mean, wetness was coming out of every oriface I had. Too much info? Too bad.
One of the squirrels, whom I dubbed "Chucky", was chain smoking with his Tommy Gun in hand. But unfortunatly while in thier drugged state they didnt realize that wood burns and smoking cigarettes in a tree is a bad idea. The whole thing went up like a matchstick. Im not going to bore you with how I got out. Well more fell out of said tree. You can watch the video on the 11 o'clock news.
So whats the point? Here it is my marshmellows. Squirrels should not be given shrooms or weapons. And if you dont like that one heres another. Maroon 5 should not be listened to. Easy as that. My advice to you, my lovely audience is this, instead of violence we should try to find the valley of dreams. "It is said not to exist but I have seen". If anyone kind find out who sings the song they win an evening of love making courtesy of yours truly. So go out on this Monday and beware the squirrels they're armed! BE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING! Maybe I could get squirrels to sabatoge the Maroon 5 tour bus. Hmm.
Adieu
My belly button shouts profanities.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Too Many Penguins
Four years ago today I was cleaning up an oil spill in northern Antartica. I cleaned the penguins until their tuxedos gleaned like they were going to the Oscars. It wasn't my choice for you lovely and dear jackalopes know that I, TPO, care little for.....anything. But since I had to do community service for an "incident". Im not allowed to talk about it fully. The court case is still going through. So there I was boiling under the hot sun, wiping oil off penguins. Such is my life.
But then out of no where. Well not quite no where. I mean, he didnt just appear in a puff of smoke. Or did he? Curse my memory. Anyway, the point is Dennis Miller came. Now I dont know why he was there nor did I really care. I was too cold to care much for anything. So Mr. Miller walked over to where a group of us "guests" were watched over by "fun police" and began on one of his customary ravings.
Now, I dont want to get off on a rant here, but why do networks put up with him? He goes on for 20 min about nothing. Yes, we all know similies are fun but cmon people. So he was spouting off about the cold. Colder then when the Russians came to Polish Independence day he said. Thats when I realized something. The rest of my group was entrance by his motor mouth. I was the only one who resisted. I guess my beauty was too much even for him. So slowly, as he went on about Tom deLay, I picked up a penguin. I hurled it at him. The penguin squaked and then hit him square in the chest. My group immidiatly broke out of thier spell and began to pummel Dennis with penguins. But what made my group of "inmates" go on a penguin bashing Dennis Miller rage? I will tell you my chicky birds.
Maroon 5. Thats right. Thats all they played up there in Antartica. Over and over and over. So as we were cleaning oil off the water fowl, we had to put up with horrible music. Now what sane person wouldnt want to beat someone with a penguin after a few months of that?
The moral of the story my subordinates is this. If you see a penguin, hurl it at a well known comic. Dont ask questions. Just do it. Its an impulse. Give into your primal rage. So while youre all doing that I'm going to train an elite force of hippos to tap-dance into the UN to save it from Bolton. Hows that going to work? Oh, you'll see.
So go out and clean penguins on this lovely friday. And if you see Dennis Miller, run for your lives. And if you see Maroon 5, even Maroon 1 , please pick up something and hurl it at them. For the good of all that is holy, do it.
Adieu
My finger nails need to feed.
But then out of no where. Well not quite no where. I mean, he didnt just appear in a puff of smoke. Or did he? Curse my memory. Anyway, the point is Dennis Miller came. Now I dont know why he was there nor did I really care. I was too cold to care much for anything. So Mr. Miller walked over to where a group of us "guests" were watched over by "fun police" and began on one of his customary ravings.
Now, I dont want to get off on a rant here, but why do networks put up with him? He goes on for 20 min about nothing. Yes, we all know similies are fun but cmon people. So he was spouting off about the cold. Colder then when the Russians came to Polish Independence day he said. Thats when I realized something. The rest of my group was entrance by his motor mouth. I was the only one who resisted. I guess my beauty was too much even for him. So slowly, as he went on about Tom deLay, I picked up a penguin. I hurled it at him. The penguin squaked and then hit him square in the chest. My group immidiatly broke out of thier spell and began to pummel Dennis with penguins. But what made my group of "inmates" go on a penguin bashing Dennis Miller rage? I will tell you my chicky birds.
Maroon 5. Thats right. Thats all they played up there in Antartica. Over and over and over. So as we were cleaning oil off the water fowl, we had to put up with horrible music. Now what sane person wouldnt want to beat someone with a penguin after a few months of that?
The moral of the story my subordinates is this. If you see a penguin, hurl it at a well known comic. Dont ask questions. Just do it. Its an impulse. Give into your primal rage. So while youre all doing that I'm going to train an elite force of hippos to tap-dance into the UN to save it from Bolton. Hows that going to work? Oh, you'll see.
So go out and clean penguins on this lovely friday. And if you see Dennis Miller, run for your lives. And if you see Maroon 5, even Maroon 1 , please pick up something and hurl it at them. For the good of all that is holy, do it.
Adieu
My finger nails need to feed.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A salute to cheese making
It has recently come to my attention that the magnificent art of cheesemaking has gone criminally un-lauded for some time. I feel it is therefore my responsibility- nay pleasure, to relate to you the great joys of cheesemaking.
Now, not being a cheesemaker myself, perhaps you ask yourself "what right has he to this supposedly "lauded" subject, and what possible insight could he provide?" Perhaps it sounded something like this, in that internal monologue, those inner conversations, that you pretend are a perfectly normal part of life.
Now, not being a cheesemaker myself, perhaps you ask yourself "what right has he to this supposedly "lauded" subject, and what possible insight could he provide?" Perhaps it sounded something like this, in that internal monologue, those inner conversations, that you pretend are a perfectly normal part of life.
Self:
What right has he to this supposedly "lauded" subject, and what possible insight could he provide?
To this I say FOR SHAME! Supposedly lauded subject? How dare you deign to besmirch the good name of cheesemaking with your peremptory thought.
And if you're wondering how I so thoroughly read into your inner thoughts- well, lets just ignore that little inconsistency, I think you'll find that you'll be much happier if you leave the thinking up to your governing powers...yes..much happier indeed...
The art of cheesemaking dates back thousands of years, and effectively uses the waste products gathered from the general collection of milk. The art of taking a relatively bland collection of thick milk, and creating the cornucopea of flavours, textures and colours of cheeses is remarkeable. From the bathing of the curds, to the mixing of whey, the cheesemaking art has given us such a rich variety of delicious, and often pungeant gifts, that I feel a sincere thank you is much overdue. These cheese-men are true artisans, combining the scientific know-how of bacterial spores and cultures, with the artists eye, hands and pallete.
Cheese-men, we salute you! For you pungeant men of cheese, you wisconsin wonders. You bacterial beauties, you along with the yogourt creators of America have given us the greatest gift of all, a unique culture. Albeit a culture which only surfaces when left in the sun too long, but a true American culture none the less!
But cheese-making is not limited only to Wisconsim, oh no. A rich history of cheesemaking can be found throughout europe and the world. From parmesan to gouda, to mozzarella, we delight in europes cheese offering. And when thinking of european cheese, we think of Italy. The land of the colusseum, the renaissance, and parmesan. With their decadent, salty, and delicate aged cheeses, to their stringy delights, Italy is truly cheese at it's finest.
The rich history of Italian cheesemakers is also commendable, dating back to their earliest roots, and kept very much alive today, Italian cheesemaking's most powerful symbol is Pope Benedict XVI. This bastion of Italian cheesemaking rose from humble origins as Joseph Ratzinger, to become the great man he is today. This poster boy of cheese was elected pope, the traditional high position of cheeses, by a group of cardinals, the hight court of cheesemaking. The former Joseph Ratzinger, who changed his identity upon being elected pope Benedict XVI did so in order that he might sink into the shadowy world of high cheeseness, in which he holds direct control over world politics through threat of national cheese cut-off, or the threat of national cheese tainting.
The position of high cheeseness puts Benedict XVI in the position of dictating world policy to the world leaders. He has become the most powerful cheese-man in the world, but also, the most powerful man the world over.
I am aware that Joseph Ratzinger is not actually italian, which effectively destroys the argument that he has ties to Italian cheesemaking, and will also acknowledge that the fallacies, half truths, and whole lies in this article are rampant, however, I also think you will find that you'll be much happier if you leave the thinking to your "democratically elected" government; and also put forth my opinion that I don't believe that you'll mind these inconsistencies.
So, in review;
1)Pope Benedict XVI is an Italian cheesemaker.
2)Pope Benedict XVI is secretly running the world through threat of cheese sanction.
3)The culture of the United States only becomes visible if left out in the sun a little too long.
So drink your wine, eat your cheese, and appreciate the little America that is growing on your kitchen counter.
But don't eat that one.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Radish and Ruby....Soho
I recently won a country wide Pickle Growing compition. I got thirty dollars off a jar of pickles at a supermarket. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Second only to that time I stole $55 dollars from a drunken hobo. Ah, good times. But in truth I believe the entire thing was fixed by the great secret society known as the Illuminati. If you dont know who they are look on the net. Or read the following before I get grumpy.
So how and why would the Illuminati care about a Pickle Growing compition? Easy. They are trying to place mind controlling drugs in radishes. But wait, you skraelings say, pickles arent at all like radishes! What're you on? To the first statement I will say exactly, my little ones. The whole idea is too wipe out all other forms of food by rigging compitions to state that they lose. Why do they want to lose? For people feel sorry for the loser. And they know Im on to them. They know that I, the Pretty One, am capable of destroying thier entire network of conspiracies. Now as for the pickle compition, the Illuminati allowed me to win in hopes of placating me so that later on they could control my mind with thier giant mutant radishes. You dont know about the Giant Mutant Radish conspiracy? Man, what do you know? The Illuminati are creating an army of giant mutant radishes. Why? So they can win the papal election. Thats right. The thousand year old ritual of choosing a pope could be utterly destroyed by the giant mutant radish army coming into the Vatican. Perhaps killing Maroon 5 while thier at it. So while the Swiss guards are dealing with them, elite Illuminati agents will infiltrate into the Sistine chapel to make the cardinals elect their choosing of pope.
Wild and crazy and slightly drugged, you say my little furballs? That leads me to your second little question I am on nothing but love for my audience. Now back to the action. The Illuminati know Im onto them. Ive overheard their conversations outside a motel in the soho section of London. Dont ask me why or how I was there. I just was.
So how can we stop the giant mutant radish army of the Illuminati from placing thier pope into the race? I have one solution my friends. Rubies. Its a widely known fact that radishes, being red, are instantly attracted to anything red. Therefore, by spreading millions of rubys into a giant salad maker we can protect ourselves from the giant mutant radish army. Also we would all have a lovely salad.
Toegether, my crewmates on this ship of madness, we can stop the Illuminati from destroying the world as we know it. But we all need to work toegether. Well, not 'we' so much as 'you'. I must rally my army of lawn gnomes. Why? No reason.....yet. So go out and watch the 24 hour news networks on the papal election for you never know if a maurading horde of radishes will sweep upon the screen.
Adieu.
My toes are reaching for the sky.
So how and why would the Illuminati care about a Pickle Growing compition? Easy. They are trying to place mind controlling drugs in radishes. But wait, you skraelings say, pickles arent at all like radishes! What're you on? To the first statement I will say exactly, my little ones. The whole idea is too wipe out all other forms of food by rigging compitions to state that they lose. Why do they want to lose? For people feel sorry for the loser. And they know Im on to them. They know that I, the Pretty One, am capable of destroying thier entire network of conspiracies. Now as for the pickle compition, the Illuminati allowed me to win in hopes of placating me so that later on they could control my mind with thier giant mutant radishes. You dont know about the Giant Mutant Radish conspiracy? Man, what do you know? The Illuminati are creating an army of giant mutant radishes. Why? So they can win the papal election. Thats right. The thousand year old ritual of choosing a pope could be utterly destroyed by the giant mutant radish army coming into the Vatican. Perhaps killing Maroon 5 while thier at it. So while the Swiss guards are dealing with them, elite Illuminati agents will infiltrate into the Sistine chapel to make the cardinals elect their choosing of pope.
Wild and crazy and slightly drugged, you say my little furballs? That leads me to your second little question I am on nothing but love for my audience. Now back to the action. The Illuminati know Im onto them. Ive overheard their conversations outside a motel in the soho section of London. Dont ask me why or how I was there. I just was.
So how can we stop the giant mutant radish army of the Illuminati from placing thier pope into the race? I have one solution my friends. Rubies. Its a widely known fact that radishes, being red, are instantly attracted to anything red. Therefore, by spreading millions of rubys into a giant salad maker we can protect ourselves from the giant mutant radish army. Also we would all have a lovely salad.
Toegether, my crewmates on this ship of madness, we can stop the Illuminati from destroying the world as we know it. But we all need to work toegether. Well, not 'we' so much as 'you'. I must rally my army of lawn gnomes. Why? No reason.....yet. So go out and watch the 24 hour news networks on the papal election for you never know if a maurading horde of radishes will sweep upon the screen.
Adieu.
My toes are reaching for the sky.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Michael Jackson
There. Ive said it. Right in the title. I dont need to say anymore now. You all have an opinion of that subject. Whether it be sympathy, rage, or humour. I shoot for the humour one. I mean, cmon, he looks like the Joker from the Batman series. How cant you laugh at him? So my subject today my little Smersh gang, is pop culture. Or it may move on toward something else if I get distracted. I really have a short attention sp.....
Britney Spears is having a baby. Whoop dee freakin' doo. It seems that even when celebrities are "taking a break" from thier "hectic and mad capp" lives the still need to make sure that John Q. Public cares for them. She said she retired from the music biz and is now happily married to that dirtbag. Whatever his name is. I dont follow pop culture that much. It annoys me. And whatever happened to the first dude she married? Man, his 15 seconds went away in about 3. Much like I wish Maroon 5s' would.
So why do celebrities feel the need to stay in the spotlight? Why do they think that we care about their lives? Take Lindsey Lohan, Ashton Kutcher or Madonna. They all love to stir up controversy. Lets take a look at the Queen of media manipulation. Madonna.
Since the very beginning of her career in the early 80s, Madonna always seems to come out on top. No matter what she does. She could kill a man and still be the media darling. Her constantly changing get-ups and religions keep us all who pay attention on our toes. She is now apparently into Kabbalah, a wierd, mystical off shoot of Judaism. She's gone through so many of the worlds religions its really hard to keep track. Catholosim, Buddhism, Hindu, and now Judaism. How many more can she do? Will we see a voodoo Madonna? Thats doubtable.
What can we, the public, do about all these celebrities and their craving for the press and the limelight? I say that if it doesnt effect us personally then who cares? Lindsey Lohan can be going out with Sean Connery for all I care. Its not like theyre going to crash at my house. Perhaps if it was only Lindsey then we would talk but.....um,....yes, so who cares?
The only reason for pop culture is too annoy us. If we all ignored it it would die slowly. Let celebrities live thier lives and let us live ours. But people like watching famous people fall. Its in our broken human nature to enjoy it. My advicer to you, my fauns, is to be wary of small people.
Small people always are up to something. Hitler, Napoleon and Stalin were all short and look what happened there. Also my advice to you is to eat cucumbers. Why? Because I said so. So go out, turn off your boob tube and find out about life while munching on a cucumber. And have no fear CC and the philosopher ones will be posting soon so you can stop listening to the crazy man.
Adieu
My ears flap too much.
Britney Spears is having a baby. Whoop dee freakin' doo. It seems that even when celebrities are "taking a break" from thier "hectic and mad capp" lives the still need to make sure that John Q. Public cares for them. She said she retired from the music biz and is now happily married to that dirtbag. Whatever his name is. I dont follow pop culture that much. It annoys me. And whatever happened to the first dude she married? Man, his 15 seconds went away in about 3. Much like I wish Maroon 5s' would.
So why do celebrities feel the need to stay in the spotlight? Why do they think that we care about their lives? Take Lindsey Lohan, Ashton Kutcher or Madonna. They all love to stir up controversy. Lets take a look at the Queen of media manipulation. Madonna.
Since the very beginning of her career in the early 80s, Madonna always seems to come out on top. No matter what she does. She could kill a man and still be the media darling. Her constantly changing get-ups and religions keep us all who pay attention on our toes. She is now apparently into Kabbalah, a wierd, mystical off shoot of Judaism. She's gone through so many of the worlds religions its really hard to keep track. Catholosim, Buddhism, Hindu, and now Judaism. How many more can she do? Will we see a voodoo Madonna? Thats doubtable.
What can we, the public, do about all these celebrities and their craving for the press and the limelight? I say that if it doesnt effect us personally then who cares? Lindsey Lohan can be going out with Sean Connery for all I care. Its not like theyre going to crash at my house. Perhaps if it was only Lindsey then we would talk but.....um,....yes, so who cares?
The only reason for pop culture is too annoy us. If we all ignored it it would die slowly. Let celebrities live thier lives and let us live ours. But people like watching famous people fall. Its in our broken human nature to enjoy it. My advicer to you, my fauns, is to be wary of small people.
Small people always are up to something. Hitler, Napoleon and Stalin were all short and look what happened there. Also my advice to you is to eat cucumbers. Why? Because I said so. So go out, turn off your boob tube and find out about life while munching on a cucumber. And have no fear CC and the philosopher ones will be posting soon so you can stop listening to the crazy man.
Adieu
My ears flap too much.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Spring and Road Rashes
Smell that my dobermans? Tis spring! Or that cheese that I hid under your desk during break. Either way its a new season. I know Im a bit late but I dont care. Spring has sprung the grass is riz I wonder where them flowers is? Yes the harsh opression of winter is over and all the world rejoices with the bringing of life and happiness.
Makes me sick. My chocolate tree that I planted when I was 5 still hasnt grown at all. Very disappointed. But all around you life is coming back. Birds are chirping in the trees, flowers peeping out of the ground, trees coming back to life, sun shining down, and that guy with a lawnmower is already going at it as if the entire seasons gonna stop within a week.
Spring is when a young mans fancy turns to love. Yuck. First of all, Ive never heard anything called a fancy on a young man. And second love is for suckers. I know your probably thinking in your wonderful head, "Hes just being bitter, punk man. Love is super". Love has taken its toll on me my mates.
Speaking of Maroon 5. I firmly believe that they are the single worst band recording. Right down there with Hoobastank and James Carney and the Beaver Brown Band. Dont ask about the second band I made it up. Or did I? I dont even know anymore. I was flipping through the old televison when I hit the Canadian eqivalant of MTV, MuchMusic. And on that channel I saw and heard the song that made me want to jab out my ears with a fork. The lead singer sounds like an air raid siren.
My point my puppets is this. Spring is a lovely time of year. Not quite as hot as summer and not quite as cold as fall. A happy medium. So take advantage of all the beauty and life around you and go outside. And once outside a whole world will be awaken by one of two things. The sounds of you eating a pinecone. Which by the way are incredibly nouirshing and a good way to get rid of choleara. Another way is by either taking over a small eastern european country or smashing everything that has to do with Maroon 5.
I will wrap this up by summing up everything I just ranted and raved about. Spring is good. Maroon 5 is not. Pinecones and invasions of former Soviet satillietes are good. And trying to act like a monkey while chasing Alec Baldwin down the street....well thats just funny. So go out and enjoy the sun. I, on the other hand am going to water my chocolate tree and pray to Freyr, Norse god of the Harvest.
Adieu
My nose is eating my face.
Makes me sick. My chocolate tree that I planted when I was 5 still hasnt grown at all. Very disappointed. But all around you life is coming back. Birds are chirping in the trees, flowers peeping out of the ground, trees coming back to life, sun shining down, and that guy with a lawnmower is already going at it as if the entire seasons gonna stop within a week.
Spring is when a young mans fancy turns to love. Yuck. First of all, Ive never heard anything called a fancy on a young man. And second love is for suckers. I know your probably thinking in your wonderful head, "Hes just being bitter, punk man. Love is super". Love has taken its toll on me my mates.
Speaking of Maroon 5. I firmly believe that they are the single worst band recording. Right down there with Hoobastank and James Carney and the Beaver Brown Band. Dont ask about the second band I made it up. Or did I? I dont even know anymore. I was flipping through the old televison when I hit the Canadian eqivalant of MTV, MuchMusic. And on that channel I saw and heard the song that made me want to jab out my ears with a fork. The lead singer sounds like an air raid siren.
My point my puppets is this. Spring is a lovely time of year. Not quite as hot as summer and not quite as cold as fall. A happy medium. So take advantage of all the beauty and life around you and go outside. And once outside a whole world will be awaken by one of two things. The sounds of you eating a pinecone. Which by the way are incredibly nouirshing and a good way to get rid of choleara. Another way is by either taking over a small eastern european country or smashing everything that has to do with Maroon 5.
I will wrap this up by summing up everything I just ranted and raved about. Spring is good. Maroon 5 is not. Pinecones and invasions of former Soviet satillietes are good. And trying to act like a monkey while chasing Alec Baldwin down the street....well thats just funny. So go out and enjoy the sun. I, on the other hand am going to water my chocolate tree and pray to Freyr, Norse god of the Harvest.
Adieu
My nose is eating my face.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Three Chord Wonders (The essence of Punk and other muzaks)
People often complain that punk rock is nothing more then just a spikey haired jerk screaming into a mike while the lead guitarist plays nothing but three chords and the drummer hits the drums at an exceptional rate of speed and power. This is fact false. While yes, my little leather clad rebels, some punk bands actually do this and it happens to work quite well most go that extra mile and play maybe 4 or 5 chords in a song.
Lets take Green Day for example. They have a bass guitarist, Mike Dernt, a drummer, Tre Cool, and a guitarist/lead singer, Billy Joe Armstrong. Now this combination gives them an intresting sound. The bass in most songs is actually pretty prominent through most of their earlier songs (Longview as an example). The guitar is actually is just rythmic for the most part with some excellent riffs stuck in. Its really quite a unique and good sound. It allows for more lyrical content then just screaming into a mike and being angry at the world/government/people/Maroon 5.
Now we take a look on this magical school bus of a ride to one of my favorite bands, Tiger Army. Thier psychobilly sounds are quite pleasing in a creepy way. They consist of an upright bass, guitar and drums. And toegether create a really good sound. But what really sets Tiger Army and the whole psychobilly scene apart is the lyrics. Most of them can be called "hauntingly beautiful". Songs of death, love lost and loneliness that most punkers would just become angry and yell. A perfect melody and great lyrics really creates an excellent sound.
Finally before I get bored I must move to another great band, Thrice. They are a punk metal band that really captures the essence of punk. They have a lead guitar/vocals, bass, another guitar and drums. They have that hard edge sound that really is quite pleasing. This band is the pseudo-screamers. But the lyrical content is just amazing. This band is one that can truly be call metal punk.
So whats this about? Well, I cant seem to recall. So.....work it out on your own. New wave in the early 80's which lead to "hair metal" which lead to grunge which lead to pop which lead to...what? Rap? Hip hop? Rock? Ten years from now we might know but for now its a quagmire of music. Music needs a change. A new Hendrix, Beatles, Kiss, Ramones, Nirvana, Motley Crue someone that changes the face of music. I've said this numerous times and will continue to say it. Stereotypes need to go. In music, life and all other forms of society.
I leave you dear readers with this advice. Eat more grapfruit. For truly grapefruit can change the face of the world. A shining new sour, pinkish world it will be my ewoks.
Adieu.
My shirt is mocking me.
Lets take Green Day for example. They have a bass guitarist, Mike Dernt, a drummer, Tre Cool, and a guitarist/lead singer, Billy Joe Armstrong. Now this combination gives them an intresting sound. The bass in most songs is actually pretty prominent through most of their earlier songs (Longview as an example). The guitar is actually is just rythmic for the most part with some excellent riffs stuck in. Its really quite a unique and good sound. It allows for more lyrical content then just screaming into a mike and being angry at the world/government/people/Maroon 5.
Now we take a look on this magical school bus of a ride to one of my favorite bands, Tiger Army. Thier psychobilly sounds are quite pleasing in a creepy way. They consist of an upright bass, guitar and drums. And toegether create a really good sound. But what really sets Tiger Army and the whole psychobilly scene apart is the lyrics. Most of them can be called "hauntingly beautiful". Songs of death, love lost and loneliness that most punkers would just become angry and yell. A perfect melody and great lyrics really creates an excellent sound.
Finally before I get bored I must move to another great band, Thrice. They are a punk metal band that really captures the essence of punk. They have a lead guitar/vocals, bass, another guitar and drums. They have that hard edge sound that really is quite pleasing. This band is the pseudo-screamers. But the lyrical content is just amazing. This band is one that can truly be call metal punk.
So whats this about? Well, I cant seem to recall. So.....work it out on your own. New wave in the early 80's which lead to "hair metal" which lead to grunge which lead to pop which lead to...what? Rap? Hip hop? Rock? Ten years from now we might know but for now its a quagmire of music. Music needs a change. A new Hendrix, Beatles, Kiss, Ramones, Nirvana, Motley Crue someone that changes the face of music. I've said this numerous times and will continue to say it. Stereotypes need to go. In music, life and all other forms of society.
I leave you dear readers with this advice. Eat more grapfruit. For truly grapefruit can change the face of the world. A shining new sour, pinkish world it will be my ewoks.
Adieu.
My shirt is mocking me.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The problem with numbers
We have recently passed 1000 hits on this bl- Oooh, we're gonna get a thunder-shower! Excuse me, the radio's playing in the distance.
Anyhow, we have passed 1000 hits, and although I would have very much liked to be ornery, and refused to write this article simply because my esteemed colleague TPO pre-emptively obligated me to do so. I feel that you, the loyal reader deserves better than that- to be smote by my mighty hand, maybe. To be hunted like an animal, and have your head placed on a pike then danced around in a bizzarre ritualistic orgy of primitive god placating ferver- certainly. But to deprive you of a 1000 hit celebratory post- NEVER!
I urge you to enjoy this moment, savour the sweet juices of ill gotten gain. I would like to now regale you with tales of my adventures in capitolism, thus beginning a series of stories which will amuse, confuse and ultimately- PLACATION IS CAPITOLISM'S MEANS AND END!
Anyhow, we have passed 1000 hits, and although I would have very much liked to be ornery, and refused to write this article simply because my esteemed colleague TPO pre-emptively obligated me to do so. I feel that you, the loyal reader deserves better than that- to be smote by my mighty hand, maybe. To be hunted like an animal, and have your head placed on a pike then danced around in a bizzarre ritualistic orgy of primitive god placating ferver- certainly. But to deprive you of a 1000 hit celebratory post- NEVER!
I urge you to enjoy this moment, savour the sweet juices of ill gotten gain. I would like to now regale you with tales of my adventures in capitolism, thus beginning a series of stories which will amuse, confuse and ultimately- PLACATION IS CAPITOLISM'S MEANS AND END!
Thus begins-
Tales of Interest!
Part 1: Tales out of work...
It becomes important when out of work to adopt a new, and very special point of view. You must cease to- nay, refuse to admit that monetary gain is either:
a) Easier than destitution
b) Helpful
c) Necessary to basic living in this society
But how? You ask, how can I simply ignore the fact that a capitolist society is based upon, and wholly dependent on the citizen populace working and making money. Observe.
Societor
(A tangeable reprisentation of society in human form):
"Working is easy, once you begin you will learn to enjoy it. In fact, you will find that you will learn to value yourself in terms of your paycheque, and the more tangeable objects which can be purchased with said paycheck."
Me:
"N'ah."
Societor:
"How will you live, you cannot live within this society if you will not bend to the will of me, Societor!"
(Now, here is where most would find no way of progressing onward without claiming to live in the woods in a hippie colony, but here is a simple trick to countering this argument...)
Me:
N'ah.
Societor:
No, but you. You can't just. Theres no way for you to. It just doesn't.
*POP*
And there you have it, In the future, you may find it useful to simply respond in any situation in terms of negation. I find it quite useful, not to mention fun.
Now, just for fun, lets have a brief and frank discussion about jobs, and our duty to our society.
The Frank truth about that thing that we do, no, not the thing at night, the other one, the daytime thing.
1) Working should be hard, that is it's nature. When work must be done, hard work is preferable. In that way, we increase the amount of time that can be spent drinking beer and barbequeing.
2) Of Time and Payscales- Your payscale, and all payscales are deliberately, and necessarily set BELOW what your time is worth. If not, no profit could be made; as profit is the grease that lubes the fat, bloated backside of capitolism.
2b) I cannot overstate this fact people, working is by necessity not worth your time, your boss is profiting through your labour, this is important, any time a tempting job offer comes along which may get you working again, just remember. It's not worth your time. Period.
Now, all this talk of capitolism, and lack of working makes you think, hmmm, this is sounding a lot like a comminism advocation- BUT NO!
In fact, I have come before you today to expose the MSN Communist Conspiracy!
Those of you who have downloaded the free (eh..eh...clue number one) MSN Messenger 7.0 patch, have no doubt noticed the amusing new animated winks. With the obnoxious womans laughter, the strip dancing piggy, and....the dancing young hipster with a RED STAR OF COMMUNISM emblazened onto his shirt! The preceeding exclamation point should show you just how shocking, and exciting this discovery is.
MSN is secretly, under the guise of simple amusement, brainwashing our youth with hidden communist propoganda. I have learned, through devious maneuvering, the full extent of MSN's plan; a three pronged attack on the sunconscious using liminal, sub-liminal, and super-liminal means.
I will now expose the full malevolence of this secret ploy by relating to you how I managed to surrepitously uncover this conspiracy.
Me:
I noticed that one of your MSN winks has a man dancing with a red star on him, does this constitute a threat to our capitolist system by an all out assault of communism?
President of MSN/BC:
Yes, yes it does.
Me:
Oh.
President of MSN/BC:
Yeah.
Me:
Well, don't you think it's pretty inconsistent for a huge corporaion, which has made billions and trillions of dollars by exploiting the capitolist system to suddenly appear as a communist aggressor?
President of MSN/BC:
Yes, yes it does.
But we don't think the readers will really notice, or mind this little inconsistency.
Me:
Neither do I.
President of MSN/BC:
Well good.
Have a nice day now.
Me:
You too, it was nice to speak to you.
So there you have it, my clandestine research which has led to this shocking expose.
In conclusion, I think I speak for all involved when I state that the problem with numbers is that there's too many of them. I mean, infinity, c'mon It's just rediculous...
Coming in part two:
Tales of Interest!
How many adjectives can you cram into a sentence?
I'll see you next time, and remember, never stop watching the Skeee's! And shooting turkey's.
Of Squirrels and Turkies
Many of you are wondering why I made a megaphone out of a squirrel in one of my odd and somewhat disturbing posts. And the answer to that my eggs sunny side up is simple. Goodnite.
Now why name this site Turkey shoot? And why have Insane Ramblings of the decreped as a title? And why do people think The Pretty One, me, is on drugs? All these questions will be answered in do time. Or I'll forget about them and move on to an obscure refrence to a thirties action movie.
So this is my blog. As you my brilliant pomperneckels can see we have had many posts. Some weird, some funny, some serious, some wierd, some weirdly funny. But why name it turkey shoot? Well think about it. Wouldnt you like to kill a turkey? Nasty, smelly mean little beasts they are. Ergo the reason we must kill the ugliness in our world and place more love and respect between our fellow men. *Snicker* I laughed at that myself. So why turkeyshoot? I dont know. It was funny at the time and still is. Now stop phoning me about the Sleep mattress bed.
The Insane ramblings of the dereped part is easy. Most of the people who post on this blog are insane or decreped. Or both. I fall into one category my pink furred Nim-Nims.
Later on my esteemed administrator friend Introspective Irishmen will post a congradulations to all the little people for helping us reach over 1000 hits. But I wont say anything yet. For its a surprise.
Whats the point my friends? Its all about finding someone. Maybe you will maybe you wont. Maybe you'll marry maybe you wont. Maybe you'll divorce at 23 maybe you'll be dancing the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversery. Maybe Im sounding like that really annoying song.
Anyhoo, I shall leave you my pumpkin eaters. Find out about life, love and luncheons. MAy the Force be with you. Unless youre lining up at the Chinese theatre waiting for the new star wars flick. Then youre a gimp.
Adieu
My feet have run off.
Now why name this site Turkey shoot? And why have Insane Ramblings of the decreped as a title? And why do people think The Pretty One, me, is on drugs? All these questions will be answered in do time. Or I'll forget about them and move on to an obscure refrence to a thirties action movie.
So this is my blog. As you my brilliant pomperneckels can see we have had many posts. Some weird, some funny, some serious, some wierd, some weirdly funny. But why name it turkey shoot? Well think about it. Wouldnt you like to kill a turkey? Nasty, smelly mean little beasts they are. Ergo the reason we must kill the ugliness in our world and place more love and respect between our fellow men. *Snicker* I laughed at that myself. So why turkeyshoot? I dont know. It was funny at the time and still is. Now stop phoning me about the Sleep mattress bed.
The Insane ramblings of the dereped part is easy. Most of the people who post on this blog are insane or decreped. Or both. I fall into one category my pink furred Nim-Nims.
Later on my esteemed administrator friend Introspective Irishmen will post a congradulations to all the little people for helping us reach over 1000 hits. But I wont say anything yet. For its a surprise.
Whats the point my friends? Its all about finding someone. Maybe you will maybe you wont. Maybe you'll marry maybe you wont. Maybe you'll divorce at 23 maybe you'll be dancing the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversery. Maybe Im sounding like that really annoying song.
Anyhoo, I shall leave you my pumpkin eaters. Find out about life, love and luncheons. MAy the Force be with you. Unless youre lining up at the Chinese theatre waiting for the new star wars flick. Then youre a gimp.
Adieu
My feet have run off.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Burt and Ernie: Whats Going On There?
Could Seasame Street be telling us about the gay community through Burt and Ernie? Quite possible in my deranged mind. Lets face it. They have certain tendencies that lead us to believe that they are a couple. They sleep in the same room, and Ernie does not seem preturbed at all when his "roomate" Burt opens the door while hes playing with his "rubber ducky" in the tub. So yes I believe that childrens television is heliping our kids understand the modern world. Now Im not homophobic or a cannibal. Though I do enjoy the odd bite of a human once and a while.
The US has turned into a wierd little parody of itself. Promoting freedom and life while repressing the gays and still going along with the death sentence. I recently went to the land of the free and home of Dave as is my understanding. Could the border guards be anymore paranoid? I know that its on Yellow/Aqua/Maroon 5 (ugh) alert but still. Its Canada man. The worst we do is send down whoppers or Mary Jane. But enough political crap. Thats for my esteemed collegues CC and II to do. Im the crazy one. Or am I? MUHAHAHAHAHAA.....ha....yes.
So anyway I was recently fishing in northern Gooberdalloeyville. It was a cold day of April and the snow was falling along with the leaves and rain and...sun. That storys going nowhere so Im going to stop, change directions, maybe get an oil change and go back to whatever I was talking about before.
Sesame Street is incredibly odd to me. Im not into those kid shows. Though I do enjoy a good Spongebob once and a while along with Dave the Barbarian. I dont trust many kid shows. They're all wierd and confusing. Guess Im getting old. Oh well. Young people are stupid. I am one. I should know.
My point my darlings is this.Maybe we should be more tolerate of diffrent things. I hear to much of mobbings and stabbings. If we all took the time to discover one another itd be a nicer world. Im sorry I cant hold it any longer Im laughing my head off. Anywhatthecrap, Im going to say this. With more pull on our resources we need to ration everything but limes. Why? Because limes are the future my friends.
Thank you.
My eyes are trying to escape.
The US has turned into a wierd little parody of itself. Promoting freedom and life while repressing the gays and still going along with the death sentence. I recently went to the land of the free and home of Dave as is my understanding. Could the border guards be anymore paranoid? I know that its on Yellow/Aqua/Maroon 5 (ugh) alert but still. Its Canada man. The worst we do is send down whoppers or Mary Jane. But enough political crap. Thats for my esteemed collegues CC and II to do. Im the crazy one. Or am I? MUHAHAHAHAHAA.....ha....yes.
So anyway I was recently fishing in northern Gooberdalloeyville. It was a cold day of April and the snow was falling along with the leaves and rain and...sun. That storys going nowhere so Im going to stop, change directions, maybe get an oil change and go back to whatever I was talking about before.
Sesame Street is incredibly odd to me. Im not into those kid shows. Though I do enjoy a good Spongebob once and a while along with Dave the Barbarian. I dont trust many kid shows. They're all wierd and confusing. Guess Im getting old. Oh well. Young people are stupid. I am one. I should know.
My point my darlings is this.Maybe we should be more tolerate of diffrent things. I hear to much of mobbings and stabbings. If we all took the time to discover one another itd be a nicer world. Im sorry I cant hold it any longer Im laughing my head off. Anywhatthecrap, Im going to say this. With more pull on our resources we need to ration everything but limes. Why? Because limes are the future my friends.
Thank you.
My eyes are trying to escape.
The Patriot Act
The Patriot act is coming due for renewal or cancellation.
This Act was passed during the weeks after the tragic 9/11 terror attacks in New York City, and was rushed through congress with virtually no dissent- hardly surprising given that the United States had just two weeks before suffered the most devastating terrorist attack to date, the citizen populace was in a state of histeria and anger, and that few in congress had actually read the 300 plus page Act.
There has more recently been an outcry denouncing the Act as an assault on civil liberties; resolutions having been passed in 152 communities across America, including several major cities, and three states, which condemn the Act as such. As well, several lawsuits, including one filed recently by the ACLU, urged the courts to remove or invalidate provisions of the act which threaten privacy or the right to due process.
Conversely, John Ashcroft has launched his "Patriot Rocks" concert tour, visiting 18 cities and meeting with local law enforcement officials in order to re-enforce what he sees as the act's virtues. Ashcroft states that had the Patriot act been in place earlier, 9/11 would never have happened, and that since the patriot act has been introduced, it has staved of more potential major terroriost attacks within the United States- a double negative that simply cannot be proved.
The question duly arises; how threatening is this Act, and what is truly within it? The answer is this; that parts of the Act formalize and regulate government conduct that was formerly unregulated- and potentially much more frightening before this act was passed. Other parts clearly do expand governmental powers and allow it to peer more closely into the lives of it's citizens.
Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Act is the lack of government candor in describing it's use. Inquiries from the Judiciary committee are classiffied, and FOIA (Freedom Of Information Act) requests have been half-answered, or blown off. In the absence of any real knowledge about how this Act has been used, one may justifiably fear it abstractly. To fear it's potential, since that is the only real knowledge we possess.
One of the most hotly contested parts of the Act has been Section 215 of the Patriot Act; which allows Federal law enforcement officials to conduct searches of your financial, library, travel, video rental, phone, medical, church, synagogue, and mosque records without your knowledge or consent, and essentially warrantless. The FBI needs now only to certify to a FISA (Foreign Intelligence Security Act) Judge- without need for evidence or probably cause, that the search protects against terrorism. As well, the Judge has no authority to reject this application. Section 215 does extend FBI power to conduct essentially warrantless records searches, even on people who are not themselves terror suspects, with little or no judicial oversight. The government sees this as an incremental change in the law, but the lack of meaningful judicial oversight and the expanded scope of possible suspects makes this a fairly dramatic shift in my eyes.
This controvercial Act contains articles which I find to be obstrusive and potentially unconstitutional, however also it serves to illustrate a fundamental problem with the post 9/11 governmental system. Amid accusations of wasteful spending, and outright fraud aimed towards the Department of Homeland Security, there are found to be legal loopholes which allow the purchase of firearms by individuals currently on government terrorist watch lists, at gun shows. While this loophole is defended by the NRA, the Patriot Act intrudes on the rights of American citizens who are not on watchlists, or suspected of any terrorist activities. The gross missapropriation of government sanctions and restrictions (on the law abiding, rather than those legitemately suspected of crime) is rediculous.
When taken to it's logical conclusion, yes, I will concede that passing laws which allow the government to watch the goings on of it's citizens will lower the chance of further terrorist activities; but is living in a repressive, closed society in which the populace is in constant fear and surveillance by it's government, in an Orwellian state, truly worth the protection from possible attacks? If we live in fear of terrorism, we have made ourselves victims of it, even if we never tangeably become victims of terrorism. The right to live in a free and open society comes with risks, it's difficult and dangerous, it leaves us open to crime and terrorism, but it is worth it. If we allow ourselves to surrender to peace of mind at the expense of freedom, then the dream of the United States of America is dead.
This Act was passed during the weeks after the tragic 9/11 terror attacks in New York City, and was rushed through congress with virtually no dissent- hardly surprising given that the United States had just two weeks before suffered the most devastating terrorist attack to date, the citizen populace was in a state of histeria and anger, and that few in congress had actually read the 300 plus page Act.
There has more recently been an outcry denouncing the Act as an assault on civil liberties; resolutions having been passed in 152 communities across America, including several major cities, and three states, which condemn the Act as such. As well, several lawsuits, including one filed recently by the ACLU, urged the courts to remove or invalidate provisions of the act which threaten privacy or the right to due process.
Conversely, John Ashcroft has launched his "Patriot Rocks" concert tour, visiting 18 cities and meeting with local law enforcement officials in order to re-enforce what he sees as the act's virtues. Ashcroft states that had the Patriot act been in place earlier, 9/11 would never have happened, and that since the patriot act has been introduced, it has staved of more potential major terroriost attacks within the United States- a double negative that simply cannot be proved.
The question duly arises; how threatening is this Act, and what is truly within it? The answer is this; that parts of the Act formalize and regulate government conduct that was formerly unregulated- and potentially much more frightening before this act was passed. Other parts clearly do expand governmental powers and allow it to peer more closely into the lives of it's citizens.
Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Act is the lack of government candor in describing it's use. Inquiries from the Judiciary committee are classiffied, and FOIA (Freedom Of Information Act) requests have been half-answered, or blown off. In the absence of any real knowledge about how this Act has been used, one may justifiably fear it abstractly. To fear it's potential, since that is the only real knowledge we possess.
One of the most hotly contested parts of the Act has been Section 215 of the Patriot Act; which allows Federal law enforcement officials to conduct searches of your financial, library, travel, video rental, phone, medical, church, synagogue, and mosque records without your knowledge or consent, and essentially warrantless. The FBI needs now only to certify to a FISA (Foreign Intelligence Security Act) Judge- without need for evidence or probably cause, that the search protects against terrorism. As well, the Judge has no authority to reject this application. Section 215 does extend FBI power to conduct essentially warrantless records searches, even on people who are not themselves terror suspects, with little or no judicial oversight. The government sees this as an incremental change in the law, but the lack of meaningful judicial oversight and the expanded scope of possible suspects makes this a fairly dramatic shift in my eyes.
This controvercial Act contains articles which I find to be obstrusive and potentially unconstitutional, however also it serves to illustrate a fundamental problem with the post 9/11 governmental system. Amid accusations of wasteful spending, and outright fraud aimed towards the Department of Homeland Security, there are found to be legal loopholes which allow the purchase of firearms by individuals currently on government terrorist watch lists, at gun shows. While this loophole is defended by the NRA, the Patriot Act intrudes on the rights of American citizens who are not on watchlists, or suspected of any terrorist activities. The gross missapropriation of government sanctions and restrictions (on the law abiding, rather than those legitemately suspected of crime) is rediculous.
When taken to it's logical conclusion, yes, I will concede that passing laws which allow the government to watch the goings on of it's citizens will lower the chance of further terrorist activities; but is living in a repressive, closed society in which the populace is in constant fear and surveillance by it's government, in an Orwellian state, truly worth the protection from possible attacks? If we live in fear of terrorism, we have made ourselves victims of it, even if we never tangeably become victims of terrorism. The right to live in a free and open society comes with risks, it's difficult and dangerous, it leaves us open to crime and terrorism, but it is worth it. If we allow ourselves to surrender to peace of mind at the expense of freedom, then the dream of the United States of America is dead.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Always Whirling and Twirling
The world we live in will be soon filled up. Unbelievable? Maybe. Are you doing crack? Good question. I'd answer it if you weren't a pink elephant. Now then back to my wierd first statement. There are almost 7 billion people in the world. And very little of the earths surface can contain them. On the Home Islands of Japan they have basically run out of room to put all its citizens. Ergo they're building up. Is our world going to look like the Jetsons one day in our major cities? I dont know. Since when am I a psychic.
Everywhere you look new homes are being built further up and further in. Homes are bieng built on the sides of mountains to get that "panaramic" view. But what developers don't realize is that nature wasnt meant to be controlled by man. Look at homes that are built on hills. They first cut down all the trees so they can build the actual foundation. They dont realize that the trees are actually keeping the soil stable. So one day maybe after a good earthquake the entire million dollar plus home goes kaput do to unstablitity.
The more people there are the more crowded our world is gonna get. Plus we'll need more resources to feed, clothe and maintain those people. Which leads me to another point. Hippies.
Over here on the coast we have many new and old hippies. You know the kind. The "Make Love not War" types. Face it hippies. War is a natural occurence. There is no way to stop it. It is a part of our flawed humanity. Talking and making agreements will work you say, my Furbee-esque groupies? Lies! The ability to wield power makes it very difficult to agree to peace. There will always be war. Too many groups have to many problems. Governments will always be corrupt, revolutions will happen, and guerilla fighters will eat papaya.
So what are we to do? I could go the old punk route and say that we should live in a Mad Max soicety with no rules and anarchy riegning but thats just silly. So I will say this.There will be a World War 3. Argue, doubt and scoff at that point but deep down you know its true. North Korea has nuclear weapons. China is running out of room for its over 1 billion population. So yes my country bumpkins war is going to happen. When? I dont know. What am I? Tom Brokaw?
Kim Jung Il should eat some papayas. With his wierd haircut and very communist suit he is a bit wacky as it is. Papayas have a certain enzyme that once put in your body gives you a euphoric feeling.Ergo he should eat canned papayas. If you have no idea what Im going on about youre not alone. Im quite perplexed myself.
Anyway, I will allow you to dwell on this my flying potatoes. War is a human a occurence that is unfortunate but inevitable, the earth has too many people, Kim Jung Il needs to eat papayas, and I'm completely mad. So go out and stop protesting rather sing happy show tunes and enjoy the spring air. I on the other hand am going to try to catch the leprechaun that makes faces at me.
Thank you.
My left index finger screams.
Everywhere you look new homes are being built further up and further in. Homes are bieng built on the sides of mountains to get that "panaramic" view. But what developers don't realize is that nature wasnt meant to be controlled by man. Look at homes that are built on hills. They first cut down all the trees so they can build the actual foundation. They dont realize that the trees are actually keeping the soil stable. So one day maybe after a good earthquake the entire million dollar plus home goes kaput do to unstablitity.
The more people there are the more crowded our world is gonna get. Plus we'll need more resources to feed, clothe and maintain those people. Which leads me to another point. Hippies.
Over here on the coast we have many new and old hippies. You know the kind. The "Make Love not War" types. Face it hippies. War is a natural occurence. There is no way to stop it. It is a part of our flawed humanity. Talking and making agreements will work you say, my Furbee-esque groupies? Lies! The ability to wield power makes it very difficult to agree to peace. There will always be war. Too many groups have to many problems. Governments will always be corrupt, revolutions will happen, and guerilla fighters will eat papaya.
So what are we to do? I could go the old punk route and say that we should live in a Mad Max soicety with no rules and anarchy riegning but thats just silly. So I will say this.There will be a World War 3. Argue, doubt and scoff at that point but deep down you know its true. North Korea has nuclear weapons. China is running out of room for its over 1 billion population. So yes my country bumpkins war is going to happen. When? I dont know. What am I? Tom Brokaw?
Kim Jung Il should eat some papayas. With his wierd haircut and very communist suit he is a bit wacky as it is. Papayas have a certain enzyme that once put in your body gives you a euphoric feeling.Ergo he should eat canned papayas. If you have no idea what Im going on about youre not alone. Im quite perplexed myself.
Anyway, I will allow you to dwell on this my flying potatoes. War is a human a occurence that is unfortunate but inevitable, the earth has too many people, Kim Jung Il needs to eat papayas, and I'm completely mad. So go out and stop protesting rather sing happy show tunes and enjoy the spring air. I on the other hand am going to try to catch the leprechaun that makes faces at me.
Thank you.
My left index finger screams.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Hemroid commercial song "Ring of Fire"? Is that Wrong?
There are to many commercials to prodcts I dont even understand. Watching my tellie the other day I was bombarded with images of couples hugging and laughing after they had taken a product that cured them of.....what? They didnt even explain the pill! They expect hypcondriacs to go out and by their products because they fear for the disease that they dont even know the cure is for!
Now Im calm. TV can be called an intellectual wasteland. Alas and yore its mostly true. Reality TV has taken over where sitcoms once riegned. The Amazing Race, Survivor, Fear Factor, The Apprentice etc. The list goes on and on. While sitcoms are slowly fading into the background. With a few exceptions of course. The Simpsons has to be one of the best written shoes in history. Since 199o it has brought us controverisal and hilarious episodes.
The song "Blue Monday" is played for a Mars bar commercial. Huh? Since when does a song about breakups have anything to do with some idiot wandering around with a chocolate bar making all the lights go on? That brings me to another derranged and possibly off topic point. Teen queens recording albums. I am absolutly sick of it. Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff and many more are now increasing thier popularity by selling albums to pre-teens. While real bands get dropped from thier labels, these little princesses record an album of computerized whining. Ugh. Which saddens me greatly. Its like Milli Vanilli.
You must remember them my sweet Devils Roses'. The infamous lyp-synching scam that took away thier grammy. Well now technology has changed all that! You just have too look good and dance well and boom! You're a singer. Your voice could be absolute crap. All the producers have to do is put your voice in the computer, digitalize it til it sounds like something you hear outta Star Trek and then you get a number one single! Yaay!
So whats this about? I forget. But thats beside the point my long legged audience. The point is that somethings in our world just should not be. If your a struggling band trying to get a record deal, how much does it suck to be denied so some good-looking bozo can make more money for the company.
I will leave you now because I need to be fed. So my Boulvine Betties, try not to get sucked into the commercial void. Get off the consumer treadmill and find something you can truly support. Or have tapioca. Either way youre making a diffrence.
Also Johnny Cash ate tapioca.
Adieu.
My head burns. boo-urns. whatever. nevermind. COBAIN.
Now Im calm. TV can be called an intellectual wasteland. Alas and yore its mostly true. Reality TV has taken over where sitcoms once riegned. The Amazing Race, Survivor, Fear Factor, The Apprentice etc. The list goes on and on. While sitcoms are slowly fading into the background. With a few exceptions of course. The Simpsons has to be one of the best written shoes in history. Since 199o it has brought us controverisal and hilarious episodes.
The song "Blue Monday" is played for a Mars bar commercial. Huh? Since when does a song about breakups have anything to do with some idiot wandering around with a chocolate bar making all the lights go on? That brings me to another derranged and possibly off topic point. Teen queens recording albums. I am absolutly sick of it. Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff and many more are now increasing thier popularity by selling albums to pre-teens. While real bands get dropped from thier labels, these little princesses record an album of computerized whining. Ugh. Which saddens me greatly. Its like Milli Vanilli.
You must remember them my sweet Devils Roses'. The infamous lyp-synching scam that took away thier grammy. Well now technology has changed all that! You just have too look good and dance well and boom! You're a singer. Your voice could be absolute crap. All the producers have to do is put your voice in the computer, digitalize it til it sounds like something you hear outta Star Trek and then you get a number one single! Yaay!
So whats this about? I forget. But thats beside the point my long legged audience. The point is that somethings in our world just should not be. If your a struggling band trying to get a record deal, how much does it suck to be denied so some good-looking bozo can make more money for the company.
I will leave you now because I need to be fed. So my Boulvine Betties, try not to get sucked into the commercial void. Get off the consumer treadmill and find something you can truly support. Or have tapioca. Either way youre making a diffrence.
Also Johnny Cash ate tapioca.
Adieu.
My head burns. boo-urns. whatever. nevermind. COBAIN.
Friday, April 08, 2005
C'mon and Get on the Trollie
People in the 30s, 40s and 50s were way cooler then they were in the 80s,90s and today. They had more style more flair and generally a more zest for life. Why? you magnificent people ask. Easily. By looking at the clothing of the day. In the thirties fedoras and suits were the fashions of the day. Zuit suits and large hats were the classic thing of the age. The 40s brought us swing, 30s brought in jazz although it was al ready well established in black society. and the 50s brought us that wonderful music called rock-a-billy and what is now called rock 'n' roll.
Now lets look at the 80's. Wearing short shorts, mullets and listening to hair metal was "cool". So you drive down in your 1985 Trans Am. Aviators glinting in the light while your parachute pants and tight t-shirt flap in the wind. Sythesizer music blaring. Ugh. 80's music was way too wrapped up in the glitz and glam. While yes there were some good tunes that came out the majority was absolute garbage.
The early 90s were better. The death of "hair metal" and the rise of the depressing grunge era clothing and music changed. Bands like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and of course Nirvana brought us new fashions. Checkered lumberjack shirt, white t-shirt, Doc Martens, and of course ripped jeans. The grunge look was in. Until the same shirt you could buy at some second-hand store for $5 suddenly became a $120 shirt at a designer store. So grunge died slowly but its effects on music and the world was quite amazing.
Then there was the "pop" years. Im going to just skip that because as much as I would love to gush about the Backstreet Boys, N*sync, Spice Girls and Britney, I would have to shoot off my left foot.
So here we are in 2005. Style has become something of the past. The English language is become more and more dumbed down do to "webspeak". Language was so much better in the thirties. Hence why I urge you dear big band member readers to go out and start using thirties slang. Like that Simpsons episode with the carnies. We could revolutionize the world my friends.
Now then I'll do my part if you do yours. I will construct a megaphone out of some string, a squirrel, a few twigs and.....a megaphone. It shall be hard but I'll try.
Swing briefly came back in the late 90's but quickly died do to the demand for Latin pop. MAybe its time for it to come back again instead of the Stalinistic grip pop has on us. Speaking of Stalin I believe I have a solution. If you read my first post on this....thinger then you will know that Stalins chemical balance in the brain was disrupted by lack of canned fruit. Maybe thats what we need my kangaroo loving munchkins. So go start using 30s slang while eating canned fruit in your 1985 Trans Am. And dont ask me why I tied a squirrel to a megaphone.
Thank you.
I twitch oddly.
Now lets look at the 80's. Wearing short shorts, mullets and listening to hair metal was "cool". So you drive down in your 1985 Trans Am. Aviators glinting in the light while your parachute pants and tight t-shirt flap in the wind. Sythesizer music blaring. Ugh. 80's music was way too wrapped up in the glitz and glam. While yes there were some good tunes that came out the majority was absolute garbage.
The early 90s were better. The death of "hair metal" and the rise of the depressing grunge era clothing and music changed. Bands like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and of course Nirvana brought us new fashions. Checkered lumberjack shirt, white t-shirt, Doc Martens, and of course ripped jeans. The grunge look was in. Until the same shirt you could buy at some second-hand store for $5 suddenly became a $120 shirt at a designer store. So grunge died slowly but its effects on music and the world was quite amazing.
Then there was the "pop" years. Im going to just skip that because as much as I would love to gush about the Backstreet Boys, N*sync, Spice Girls and Britney, I would have to shoot off my left foot.
So here we are in 2005. Style has become something of the past. The English language is become more and more dumbed down do to "webspeak". Language was so much better in the thirties. Hence why I urge you dear big band member readers to go out and start using thirties slang. Like that Simpsons episode with the carnies. We could revolutionize the world my friends.
Now then I'll do my part if you do yours. I will construct a megaphone out of some string, a squirrel, a few twigs and.....a megaphone. It shall be hard but I'll try.
Swing briefly came back in the late 90's but quickly died do to the demand for Latin pop. MAybe its time for it to come back again instead of the Stalinistic grip pop has on us. Speaking of Stalin I believe I have a solution. If you read my first post on this....thinger then you will know that Stalins chemical balance in the brain was disrupted by lack of canned fruit. Maybe thats what we need my kangaroo loving munchkins. So go start using 30s slang while eating canned fruit in your 1985 Trans Am. And dont ask me why I tied a squirrel to a megaphone.
Thank you.
I twitch oddly.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Overly Dramatic or Over-used?
My friends, we are in a musical slump. Rock, rap, hip hop, country (ugh), pop, and all other forms of music have gotten boring. Except polka. But we'll come to that when we get there. So why is there such a bad trend in music? Why cant bands stop sounding the same or posing? Why are you so gosh-darn downright, drop dead sexy Oh Pretty One? These questions and more are sure to be answered if my A.D.D doesnt kick in.
Now then I wont go on rants about rap or hip hop or country or pop because I dont know much about those forms of music. Shocking I know. So I will move straight to the rock side of the music spectrem. So my lovlies, we have a band. They sound good, look good and generally do the whole rock-and or -roll "thang". But whats this? They get signed and BOOM! image make over. They are now hard rocking punks instead of the more soothing Radiohead and Death from above 1979. And why you ask? Because they need to be produced for a more general audience. Lets take a look at my home province band of Nickleback.
Everyone knows at least one song by them unless you've been living in a box behind a Denny's for the last 5 or 6 years. Now then, Nickleback are a wildly succesful band going platnium on many of their albums. The record executives see this and realize that they can make more money by finding "look-alike bands" hence the trend of "generic rock".
While there are some good bands on the radio I must go on a rant against the POP punk Montrealers known as Simple Plan. Simple Plan wear black clothes, piercings tattoos and claim to live the punk lifestyle. Yet they right catchy and more often then not whiny songs about being misunderstood. They are claiming to be punk while making millions of dollars selling records to depressed 14 year olds. Very sad. But not uncommon. Punk bands, unless incredibly persistent, sell out and become less then legit to their original fans. Green Day can be called sell outs after the song "Time of your life (Good Riddance)" came out in 1997. They're an excellent band that write amazing songs. Blink 182 before they got Travis as a drummer, were an excellent real punk band. Thier first album "Cheshire Cat" wasnt a major commercial success but it was still a good punk album. Even "Dude Ranch" thier second was a good album. Then Scott, the original drummer left the band to persue other ventures Blink realized they could make more money by selling more public friendly albums. I will say again that both these bands are good so I wont get lawyers banging down my door.
So my advice to you my hopefully clothed and amazingly intelligent reader is to find a good underground band. There are tons out there. Each with their own unique sounds and qualities that might appeal to you. If you enjoy punk then I'd say head over and look for a label called Epitaph records. All sorts of good punk bands have joined them and perhaps you'll find something you like.
Now we are at a close and I will state my above thought. Rock and music in general has gotten dull. Mostly same sounding bands all over the radio. So go my little flying monkeys and find a good underground band and premote them. Or start a band yourself. Or start a record label. Im not going to tell you what to do with you life. Now then, go find yourself some poutine and enjoy the weather.
Thank you and goodnight.
I've misplaced my pants.
Now then I wont go on rants about rap or hip hop or country or pop because I dont know much about those forms of music. Shocking I know. So I will move straight to the rock side of the music spectrem. So my lovlies, we have a band. They sound good, look good and generally do the whole rock-and or -roll "thang". But whats this? They get signed and BOOM! image make over. They are now hard rocking punks instead of the more soothing Radiohead and Death from above 1979. And why you ask? Because they need to be produced for a more general audience. Lets take a look at my home province band of Nickleback.
Everyone knows at least one song by them unless you've been living in a box behind a Denny's for the last 5 or 6 years. Now then, Nickleback are a wildly succesful band going platnium on many of their albums. The record executives see this and realize that they can make more money by finding "look-alike bands" hence the trend of "generic rock".
While there are some good bands on the radio I must go on a rant against the POP punk Montrealers known as Simple Plan. Simple Plan wear black clothes, piercings tattoos and claim to live the punk lifestyle. Yet they right catchy and more often then not whiny songs about being misunderstood. They are claiming to be punk while making millions of dollars selling records to depressed 14 year olds. Very sad. But not uncommon. Punk bands, unless incredibly persistent, sell out and become less then legit to their original fans. Green Day can be called sell outs after the song "Time of your life (Good Riddance)" came out in 1997. They're an excellent band that write amazing songs. Blink 182 before they got Travis as a drummer, were an excellent real punk band. Thier first album "Cheshire Cat" wasnt a major commercial success but it was still a good punk album. Even "Dude Ranch" thier second was a good album. Then Scott, the original drummer left the band to persue other ventures Blink realized they could make more money by selling more public friendly albums. I will say again that both these bands are good so I wont get lawyers banging down my door.
So my advice to you my hopefully clothed and amazingly intelligent reader is to find a good underground band. There are tons out there. Each with their own unique sounds and qualities that might appeal to you. If you enjoy punk then I'd say head over and look for a label called Epitaph records. All sorts of good punk bands have joined them and perhaps you'll find something you like.
Now we are at a close and I will state my above thought. Rock and music in general has gotten dull. Mostly same sounding bands all over the radio. So go my little flying monkeys and find a good underground band and premote them. Or start a band yourself. Or start a record label. Im not going to tell you what to do with you life. Now then, go find yourself some poutine and enjoy the weather.
Thank you and goodnight.
I've misplaced my pants.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Aliens: Fact or Da Vinci Code?
Now I will asume that most of you have read the Da Vinci Code. That book which states that Mary and Jesus had a child. Based off the authors blatant guesses by seeing the painting of the last supper. Secret societys, burnings, heresys, denials, a royal bloodline. Sounds to me more like an adventure novel (which it is) we like to believe that some of Jesus remains on this earth.But its all bupkiss. Thats right, bupkiss! How do I, the great and powerful Pretty One know this? Well my ham steaks, the entire thing is made-up.
Da Vinci's painting of the last supper shows a man seated on the right of Jesus, who looks like a woman (creepy like a fellow contributor on this blog I must admit). That is, in fact, John the Baptist. If you search on this wide web for John the Baptist paintings by Da Vinci you will see he painted him in a feminine form all the time. Ergo the assumption that Mary was part of the disciples and was actually married to Jesus is diddly.
The whole Holy Grail thing too is made up. The documents that were "found" by some other authors were made up by them. They say that the Holy Grail is not the Arthurian legend cup that we assume it to be. Rather its a bloodline. BUPKISS! The shroud of Turone, the spear that pierced Jesus while he was on the cross, a cup that caught Jesus' blood while he was on the cross. These are the relics we try to associate with being near Jesus. Are the true? I have no idea. Since when am I a scholar? Anyhoo, the bloodline right. There is no royal bloodline of Jesus. The Church is not suppressing any "truths" in that matter.
So my friendly and possibly cheese eating audience do not read the Da Vinci code as if it were a truth. Rather read it as a adventure story. Books taken to seriously have dire consequences. IE the Quest for the Holy Grail (the cup not the bloodline).
So now I will leave you. You may disagree and you may argue but really the chances are slim I will actually take heed to them. Besides if I have a goal its to sexually satisfiy each and every one of you.
Also Dan Brown has a round head.
Thank you my pretties and good nite or day
My socks itch.
Da Vinci's painting of the last supper shows a man seated on the right of Jesus, who looks like a woman (creepy like a fellow contributor on this blog I must admit). That is, in fact, John the Baptist. If you search on this wide web for John the Baptist paintings by Da Vinci you will see he painted him in a feminine form all the time. Ergo the assumption that Mary was part of the disciples and was actually married to Jesus is diddly.
The whole Holy Grail thing too is made up. The documents that were "found" by some other authors were made up by them. They say that the Holy Grail is not the Arthurian legend cup that we assume it to be. Rather its a bloodline. BUPKISS! The shroud of Turone, the spear that pierced Jesus while he was on the cross, a cup that caught Jesus' blood while he was on the cross. These are the relics we try to associate with being near Jesus. Are the true? I have no idea. Since when am I a scholar? Anyhoo, the bloodline right. There is no royal bloodline of Jesus. The Church is not suppressing any "truths" in that matter.
So my friendly and possibly cheese eating audience do not read the Da Vinci code as if it were a truth. Rather read it as a adventure story. Books taken to seriously have dire consequences. IE the Quest for the Holy Grail (the cup not the bloodline).
So now I will leave you. You may disagree and you may argue but really the chances are slim I will actually take heed to them. Besides if I have a goal its to sexually satisfiy each and every one of you.
Also Dan Brown has a round head.
Thank you my pretties and good nite or day
My socks itch.
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