Hang Ten

PART ONE.

JUAN RIVIERA. HANG I

I don't have a card, and I don't have a soul. I haven't got a piece of plastic the size of my palm, and therefore I don't exist. I am treated as if I were a dog, and am beaten, thrown, and killed. My body lies where it fell, with two holes in my belly the size of my thumb, and two holes in my back the size of my fist. I see a boot, black, walk past my blood-shot eye. I see another boot, black, fall in succession with the other, and as he walks past I see a badge. My blood is still, but I see through the dead of night a white truck into which the man steps. The omni-red and blue of the lights shine on my face. I can see my cheek light red, then blue. A sustained red, then nothing. A whole in the fence, Mexicana, 1994, and I am dead.

ERNESTO PAREZ. HANG II

Crack, crack, ends the night. My eyes open, and I haven't the time to feel tired. The bullets sound as though they were traveling through water, as they tear the walls in two. Beams of light shine through the open holes in the wall, and for an instant I am unafraid. I hear the screams, and the cries of everyone around me. I know my assailant. I know the reaper is about me. A bullet tears the skin of my throat, enters, and exits out the rear as I stand. I fall back, and as my chest rises and falls, I can hear the air whistling through the gap, now temporarily filled with my left hand. I have time only to think of the pain before I feel the hand of the reaper on my shoulder, and the life leaves my body as my lungs empty of breath and fill with blood.

PETA NOCONA. HANG III

The morning is brought in with the thunderous sound of hooves on the soft soil. My eyes open, and I hear the sound of a bugle sounding the charge of Cavalry. I climb to my feet to the sound of my infant sons cries, and the sound of hooves and hollars. I take my son in my arms, his face wet with both our tears. As I come out into the early morning light I see my people running, screaming, and dying at the hands of a mounted oppressor. I run to my left, and I see the eyes of my sister, wide with fear. With a sharp pain, and the now silent screams of my infant son, I join the ranks of the dead. A horse, and man, and a saber. Blood, germs, and steel.

AHMAD HASAN. HANG IV

As I gaze over the horizon at the setting sun, I silently admire the beauty of the colour streaming over the ground, and staining the sky shades of yellow and red. I can hear toward the east the city, and all its wonders. It's markets, it's structures, and the streets I know all by name. I look back to the west, and the glare of the setting sun is suddenly interrupted by a pair of Soviet warplanes that seem to rise into endless space as they approach and pass over me. With blistering speed, they scream over my head, their cannons tearing, and shearing the building to the sand. I hear my brother yell, and I see others running. As the second aircraft passes, I hear a thunderous noise, and I lift my head from the sand to see a cloud of dust moving away in every direction from the site of the explosion. A column of fire rises to the heavens, and streams of smoke move off in every direction, arcing toward the ground before disappearing. Everyone is running, everyone is dying, and the thought hasn't crossed my mind to move an inch. A stream of fire comes from the heavens, felling dozens, and I try to move, but I am unable. Death has taken me, and I feel as though I were alive. I try in vain to grip the earth. My lungs are empty, my blood is still.

CHINH HOANG. HANG V

I turned my head up from my bowl, and out of the trees came nine men, clad in green, carrying rifles. I looked to my daughter, off to my right, playing in the trees. I looked at her and she stopped, turned, and stared at the men. I turned back to my left, and the men began to scream. They spoke in French, and in my terror I could not understand. Several entered each house. They threw me out, on to the ground, and kicked me. One pulled me up, then pushed me down, onto my knees. The other pulled my arms back, behind my head. They were still screaming, and I knelt there, terrified. They lit a bundle of straw, and held it to the roof of my home. They turned my head back straight, and screamed in my face. He put his hand to his waist, and swung a pistol back to my forehead. I fell backwards, and rolled to my side. I felt nothing.


PART TWO.

JASON DOCKERY. HANG VI

Rushing to work, I fumbled my keys as I pushed the third from the keychain though the steel lock in my apartment on the third floor. I glanced briefly upon the newspaper I knew I had no time to read as I turned the key to the right, and waited for the low 'thump' I knew signified the locking the door. I don't know why I always locked my door. There had never been a robbery, and the only strange character was Miss. Roth three doors to my left. I entered the elevator with a woman I did not recognize. I pushed 'P,' and decided to inquire.'Hello,' I said.'Hello,' she replied.Second floor. I looked over again and inquired, 'Do you live here, or are you just visiting?' I said with a smile.'I'm just visiting my mother here,' she said, 'I'll be here until tomorrow, then I'm back to work in Chicago.''Oh, I'm from Chicago!' I said, lying.'Oh, really?' the woman said.'Yeah,' I said, 'I came here when I was offered a job at Pencey. I'm a commodities broker.'First floor. The doors open, and I quickly glance down her blouse before my eyes dart back. Surely noticing, she smiled politely and said 'I hope to see you around the building, then!''Ofcourse,' I said, 'perhaps we could go for some Coffee or drinks some time?''Well, I'll be pretty busy, I'm leaving tomorrow, but perhaps I could squeeze it in my schedule.' She replied, holding the doors open.'Great! So your in twenty-three?''Twenty-nine,' she replied, leaving the elevator. My mind suddenly returned to me, and I pushed 'P' twice more. The doors opened, and I stepped out into the garage. I turned left, past a Mercedes, and six spaces down, parked on a slight angle, was my car. I had just bought it, and the novelty of this new item was still with me. I unlocked the doors as I jogged slowly up to the drivers door. I opened the door, and in the corner of my eye I saw a blur of black and white. I looked up with my hand still on the door handle. There was a young man there, about 17, white, perhaps 195 lbs, 5'9. I took notice of these traits as I had been trained to through so many hours of watching 'Top 10 Most Wanted Criminals.' He said 'Hey man, gimme your wallet,' looking side to side. I reached back and slid my hand into my pocket.'Watch it, man, don't do any shit,' he said, pulling out a pistol, sounding aggravated. I pulled my wallet out and said ' I haven't got much.''Are you shittin'? I know who you are!' He yelled.'Look, I know you don't wanna kill me, so just calm down. Put away the gun, you don't have to do this!' I said, calmly, reenacting the many movies I had seen. There was a siren in the distance, and he looked as frightened as a child on a roller-coaster. Becoming increasingly more aggravated, he screamed 'Gimme it!' and briefly looked behind him, took a step backward, and fired. The truth is, I heard only half the sound when I fell over. I felt nothing. I saw nothing.

MAUNO AALTO. HANG VII

I open my back door and gazed out upon the pristine November snow, the surface of which being precisely eleven centimeters above the earth. I was invited yesterday to a Sunday lunch with my friend and his wife of twelve years, Aamu. My boots are on, and I walk out to see the rest of snow-covered Oulu. I move out into the alley, and turn to my left as I walk rather meanderingly down the sidewalk. I walk across the alley, and turn to my right. I walk up the back steps, and knock gently on the door. Noone answers. I open the unlocked door, and call out for my friend or his wife as I enter. I walk into the kitchen, and see a broken dish on the floor. I pick up the broken dish, and place is gently on the counter top. I call out again for my friend, and walk into the living room of the small, city house. I am startled to see a man, hunched over. He turns around, and sobbing, says 'I heard you come in.' beside him is the body of his wife.'What happened?' I ask.'We got into an argument,' he said, nervously, 'I didn't mean to.. She was screaming, and I was screaming, and she broke the plate, and I pushed her.. She threw the plate at me, and I hit her..'In shock and disbelief, I looked down on the sobbing, frightened man and said, 'We need to call an Ambulance!''No!' He said, with strange conviction. 'She's dead!''The Police then!' I replied.'No!' he said, 'Help me clean, noone will know!''Have you lost your mind?' I said, shocked. He stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders. She is bleeding badly, from many apparent wounds. He screamed 'Help me!''No!' I said, 'We need to call the police!'He pushed me, and I fell as I hit the counter.'We don't need the police!' he screamed, 'We need to hide her!'I stood up, and tried to move to the door as he jumped my back. I fell to the ground, and as I tried to stand, the air seemed to escape involuntarily. I fell back to the ground, and I realized I was unable to breathe. He stabbed me again in the abdomen, and again in the back. I looked foreward along the floor, with an expression of utter shock on my face. I could feel my life bleed through my wounds as the pain slowly subsided. I knew my life was stolen, and suddenly I drew a blank.

ANNETTE BARYL. HANG VIII

I turned the key, and the engine started with a bang. I shifted to reverse, and backed out of my driveway, into the street. I was headed to my grandmothers house. I turned left, out of the city, and down the street. I opened the window, and let the early evening air move throughout the car. I watched over the horizon, at the end of the long, empty road, the sun fall to the earth. The air became colder, and I glanced up to see the last beams of the sun bend over the horizon, and disappear. My car coughed, wheezed, and ground to a halt. I turned it off to the shoulder of the road, and with a sigh of depression, opened the door and walked to the hood. Completely incompetent mechanically, I opened the hood and peered in quizzically. I saw two headlights over the horizon, and walked up to the road and waved to get the attention of the driver. He slowed as he approached, then rolled past, and continued on his way. A near eternity later, I spied another pair of headlights. I stood up and waved. This time the driver pulled over beside me, rolled down the window and asked what the trouble was. I explained to him that I had no idea whatsoever, and he stepped out of the car. When he came out, I realized he had a shotgun. I stood deathly still, in complete shock. With a should of 'Take it, Nigger!' I fell over backward. He walked up to my still body, and fired again into my chest. He wrapped me in a large blanket and heaved me in the back of his car. After some time, the vehicle came to a stop, and he rolled me out onto the shoulder. He closed the door and rolled me to the side of the road, where I lay waiting.

ANATOLII KARATAEV. HANG IX

The brisk air rushes in as I open the door to a bitterly cold Izhevskian morning. I step outside and walk to the sidewalk. I rub my hands together as I walk to the small market just down the street. I step into the store and the clerk smiles and says 'goodmorning!' I have seen her before. She lives in my building, though I rarely see her. She leaves very early. I can hear her every morning, walking down the hallway, the old floorboards squeaking under her. Occasionally we will have lunch, or a few drinks together. She came here from the east, three or four years ago, to work with her father here, in the market. I remember when she moved in. She was so nervous, she cried once, on my shoulder, because she was under the impression everyone thought poorly of her.'Goodmorning,' I said, smiling politely. She's very sensitive that way. If you seem at all sad, or depressed, she will make it her mission to cheer you up. Sometimes it's best simply to pretend.'What could I find for you today, Antolii?' she said, smiling, looking right into my eyes.'Oh, nothing really,' I said, still smiling.'Than to what could I attribute your visit to?''Well, honestly, I just felt like dropping by.''I don't believe you,' she said 'You never just drop by.''Alright, well, now that my plan was entirely foiled, I suppose i'll just have to come right out and say it.''Say what? That your madly in love with me? I already knew that, Anatolii..''Well, I was just wondering if you would like to get some lunch, or a drink?''I'd love to,' She said, taking off her apron. She leaned over and yelled into the back room to Alina, the baker.'I'm going to go get some lunch, can you take over?''Well, I'm not certain,' She replied, ' I might need you around here.''Oh come on, Alina!''Alright, Alright, go on, I'll be fine here!'Down the street about three blocks, on the right, was a small resteraunt. It wasn't bad, the food was good, the waitresses were nice, and it was always nearly empty, whenever I was there, anyway. I ordered a Sandwich and a bowl of warm soup, she ordered the same. I heard a ding as the front door opened, and an old man with two younger men, came in. They sat at the table next to us. The waitress came over and took their orders before stopping at our table and asking if we would like our glasses refilled. We both answered 'No,' and she wen't to the kitchen to deliver to order. With the passing of the sixtyfirst minute, a car stopped with a screech outside the glass window beside us. The men all turned, and one of the young men pulled the old to the ground, behind a seat. A spray of bullets flew in, as we leaned over to get behind the seat. I felt as though I had been hit in the chest. I could hardly breathe. I pulled my arms tight to by body, and looked down to see my rib protruding from my chest. Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I tried completely in vain to inhale. I could hear the bullets ricocheting around, tearing the walls, shattering everything in their path. I could hear the screams of the waitress, and the cries of my Anatola. Everything suddenly became silent, and I could hear only her tears striking the floor.

YASUO MORIOKA. HANG X

My eyes opened as the light seeped through the blinds and onto my face. I stared for a moment at the roof, in complete disbelief. I peered at the bumpy pale yellow ceiling in my one bedroom, one person apartment. I saw my entire life displayed in each ridge, and in each miniscule crevice of the drywall. I sat pondering eternity, pondering life, staring at my buttercup ceiling. I wondered if I should bother to live. I wondered if I should bother to die. I saw my beginning, I saw my end. I squinted, and peered deeper into the ceiling. I saw my life, I recognised my dreams; my ambitions. My eyes focused, and to my dejection, I saw all man.

Our Bloodied Hands: Trying to Hide

Written quickly, uneditted, unsmoothed, raw emotion, raw life.

So, I am just going to outright say what I believe without fear of future damnation by the more "enlightened" members of this fetid wound of a society. I was just watching CBC and another example of the corelations between the Eugenics movement and the Abortion rhetoric of today. In the 19th and 20th century supporting positive and negative Eugenics was status quo, which culminated in the massacre of Jews and many other groups by the National Socialists in Germany. I will give a brief synopsis of what Eugenics is.

The word comes from the Greek Eu meaning good and genus meaning birth or origin. So, through the 19th and 20th century people were strictly regulated by their birth place. The main support for Eugenics was in fact in the US and Canada, but was later adopted by Hitler to whipe out mass amounts of people. Eugenics in the US and Canada led to the segregation of the poor, drunken, "feebleminded", Irish, female (although many feminists of note were Eugenicists as well), etc etc. People with "good pedigree" were encouraged to breed together so that people with "bad traits" like being left handed were bred out of the human race. Mentally handicapped people were sterilized and locked in institutions to ensure that the gene pool was not "tainted". Oh by the way, Tommy Douglas , voted Greatest Canadian wrote his masters thesis on the wonders of Eugenics and sterilization. After Hitler sullied the good name of Eugenics it went underground.

I believe that the new word for Eugenics is Abortion and some cases of Euthenasia. I believe all of these things are merely Euphemisms, see that Eu again, for systematic discrimiination, torture and murder. I have drawn the different correlations between the arguments supporting Eugenics and Abortion in previous papers that have been submitted to my professors at UBC, so I will not spend time elaborating on them save this. As with Eugenics, in which the voice of the state supersedes that of the individual, so in Abortion is the voice of the foetus superseded by voices of society and the parents.

I shall now refocus on my latest outrage which I found on CBC. The CBC endorced the book of an economist who made barbaric claims. He claimed that crime rate has gone down because of abortions. He claimed that because most people who have abortions are in a "lower class" our acceptance of abortion has effectively "nipped the problem" of crime caused by poverty by killing the criminals before they were born. Not only is this the same as the class and racial profiling that Eugenics brings about, but it is also as chilling as the speculation about convicting someone based on forseeing the future as in the Tom Cruise movie, the title eludes me at the moment.

Instead of looking at the future with bogus telepathic abilities, but through family circumstances and genetics. Think of the attrocities that will spring from this enlightened conclusion. If we can just abort those whom we think will become criminals then why don't we just massacre every person who commits any crime becasue they obviously have the crime gene in them. Or, maybe we should just anihiliate poor people. Or, oh oh, oh wait, I am starting to sound like Adolf Hitler now, oh oh wait, abortion and eugenics follow the same reasoning that led to the Holocaust.

I believe in life ladies and gentlemen. I will not raise my hand in violence against any man, woman or child. I have said this and people have asked me whether I would not defend myself or the people I love. To that I was forced to agree, so I do suppose I would defend myself. But, if foetuses are being murdered and other groups are coming up on the chopping block should I not also defend them. Should I not take up arms again this sea of oppression. Oh, the day is coming, when I will put down my pen, stop the arguing and just defend the lives of all the people on this earth. I believe in LIFE, let LIFE be, let it run its course, let the eelderly die in peace without pumping them full of drugs, feeding tubes and ventilators. Let pregnancies come to term, and let those with mental and physical disabilities live as they are. Let them LIVE in LOVE. LOVE!

But how can my words do anything, I am just a crack pot pro-lifer. I say to those who disagree with me, one day the knock will come to your door and you will be told that you are "not fit" to live. I encourage you my reader to read up on the history of Eugenics.

I end with one more comment. If I am wrong I am an immense fool and very stupid, but if those who support abortion and chose death over life, if YOU, if YOU are WRONG then you have the blood of millions on your hands.

Do you have blood on your hands?

We've all got blood on our hands...

God help us...

Eavesdropping

"WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In a robust defense of the nation's post-9/11 domestic eavesdropping program, Vice President Dick Cheney on Wednesday said the tool is "critical" for U.S. national security." - CNN. Um, *cough* do I really even need to say anything? Seriously though, why is noone talking about this? It's as if the world doesn't care the USA is becoming Totalitar. . . . . . Uh, ERM, I'm sorry, a man just came to my door. . . . . So back to what I was *really* saying, "Long live the national state of America! All hail 'The Leader!"

Bosom Buddy

Drinking Coffee reduces the chances of contracting Breast Cancer..."Huzzuh"...(whilst jubilantly cupping my pectorals) "Hear that Boys, You're gunna be Allllllright".

Extracts From My Mind on Politics

So, the comment on my last posting made me remember something that I wanted to write about. The Canadian Federal Election. I know that I may be hunted down for saying this, but it is high time that someone pushed Paul Martin down a flight of stairs. Oh no, they've broken through my door already, bah, what will they do ban my nonexistent handguns. Ok, refocusing, this is what I think about politics in Canada at the moment.
A monarchy with Prince William (oh so hot and caring) as King would be most ideal, yet alas this modern day philosopher king shall never come to power in the way that I wish.
Next best would be chaotic anarchy initiated with the launching of EMP bombs in all the major city centres of the world. I am sure that one of my collegues here at the blog will expand on this plan in the future, but suffice to say a return to an agrarian timocracy would be most excellent.
My third option and the first realistic one is the election of a conservative government in Canada. If people would get off their apathetic asses and vote for a party with integrity and democratic values, even admitting falliability by planning to make its MP's and PM accountable to Canada's citizens in its money use, free elections in the house of commons, fiscal responcibility. Ok all I can say is if the conservatives don't win then I am going to vomit. Honestly people, don't be a Canuck Shmuck and vote for Jack Layton for his sex appeal or Paul Martin for his obvious lack of this quality. Also Quebec, just seperate already, and take that dashing yet enigmatically sinister Giles Ducepp with you. Talk about a free ride Ducepp, it must be easy having one issue to campaign on.
The fourth option is that the US annexes Canada politically and finally throws off the facade of economic pimping that has been going on since the 1920's.
The fifth option is for cats to be appointed as our rulers. I have two reasons for this point. First Paul Martin looks like a cat already, so it wouldn't be too drastic of a change. Secondly he could have leaders that could be used for both stew and jackets after they had served a term...oh wait we could do that already. I nice Belinda Stronach jacket might be comfortable. OK now PETA and pretty much every other couth human being just discredited me.
Speaking of Cats, I was in a pet shop the other day and noticed that one could buy any concievable object for one's pet, so why do we not have kitty brothels. I mean cats and dogs have sexual needs, why doesn't our society provide the means for our animals to release this pent up energy. Maybe then there would be less violent dog attacks. Maybe Jack Layton could think up something for this. He is the type to be into the seeing as he was a porn star in a former life. Anywho I think that I have ranted enough.
Spread the news people, randomocity and satire, I desperately need your approval. Please give me a reason to bathe and shave in the morning.
Oh Canada, why are you so dumb
Who wants to get some Thai noodles and not the kind that Jack Layton likes...wink wink.

Brass Monkey

So, I pose a question, what would it take for me to obtain a hyper-intelligent monkey who would cater to my every need?

The Patriot Act Redux

The Patriot act was put before the United States Senate today, and failed to pass; both Bush and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales having lobbied hard to move it through successfully. This spells a major defeat for this administration, and I feel, begs a closer look at the meat of this legislation.

This Act was passed during the weeks after the tragic 9/11 terror attacks in New York City, and was rushed through congress with virtually no dissent- hardly surprising given that the United States had just two weeks before suffered the most devastating terrorist attack to date, the citizen populace was in a state of hysteria and anger, and that few in congress had actually read the 300 plus page Act.

There has more recently been an outcry denouncing the Act as an assault on civil liberties; resolutions having been passed in 152 communities across America, including several major cities, and three states, which condemn the Act as such. As well, several lawsuits, including one filed recently by the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union), urged the courts to remove or invalidate provisions of the act which threaten privacy or the right to due process.

Conversely, John Ashcroft has launched his "Patriot Rocks" concert tour, visiting 18 cities and meeting with local law enforcement officials in order to re-enforce what he sees as the act's virtues. Ashcroft states that had the Patriot act been in place earlier, 9/11 would never have happened, and that since the patriot act has been introduced, it has staved of more potential major terroriost attacks within the United States- a double negative that simply cannot be proved.

The question duly arises; how threatening is this Act, and what is truly within it? The answer is this; that parts of the Act formalize and regulate government conduct that was formerly unregulated- and potentially much more frightening before this act was passed. Other parts clearly do expand governmental powers and allow it to peer more closely into the lives of it's citizens.
Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Act is the lack of government candor in describing it's use. Inquiries from the Judiciary committee are classified, and FOIA (Freedom Of Information Act) requests have been half-answered, or blown off. In the absence of any real knowledge about how this Act has been used, one may justifiably fear it abstractly. To fear it's potential, since that is the only real knowledge we possess.

One of the most hotly contested parts of the Act has been Section 215 of the Patriot Act; which allows Federal law enforcement officials to conduct searches of your financial, library, travel, video rental, phone, medical, church, synagogue, and mosque records without your knowledge or consent, and essentially warrantless. The FBI needs now only to certify to a FISA (Foreign Intelligence Security Act) Judge- without need for evidence or probably cause, that the search protects against terrorism. As well, the Judge has no authority to reject this application. Section 215 does extend FBI power to conduct essentially warrantless records searches, even on people who are not themselves terror suspects, with little or no judicial oversight. The government sees this as an incremental change in the law, but the lack of meaningful judicial oversight and the expanded scope of possible suspects makes this a fairly dramatic shift in my eyes.

This controvercial Act contains articles which I find to be obstrusive and potentially unconstitutional, however also it serves to illustrate a fundamental problem with the post 9/11 governmental system. Amid accusations of wasteful spending, and outright fraud aimed towards the Department of Homeland Security, there are found to be legal loopholes which allow the purchase of firearms by individuals currently on government terrorist watch lists, at gun shows. While this loophole is defended by the NRA, the Patriot Act intrudes on the rights of American citizens who are not on watchlists, or suspected of any terrorist activities. The gross missapropriation of government sanctions and restrictions (on the law abiding, rather than those legitemately suspected of crime) is ridiculous.

When taken to it's logical conclusion, yes, I will concede that passing laws which allow the government to watch the goings on of it's citizens will lower the chance of further terrorist activities; but is living in a repressive, closed society in which the populace is in constant fear and surveillance by it's government, truly worth the protection from possible attacks? If we live in fear of terrorism, we have made ourselves victims of it, even if we never fall prey to terrorosm. The right to live in a free and open society comes with risks, it's difficult and dangerous, it leaves us open to crime and terrorism, but it is worth it. If we allow ourselves to surrender to peace of mind at the expense of freedom, then the dream of the United States of America is dead.

The Iraqi elections completed just yesterday, are a momentous and heartening sign of the advancement of peace in the area, but begs the question, when the United States, the foremost republic in the world is rapidly degenerating it's democracy, can we trust the direction that Iraq's burgeoning democracy is following, being instituted by this same United States?

“If we surrender our liberty in the name of security, we shall have neither”
-Benjamin Franklin

Chimerical...I'll write a better one with this title later, more posh

I am not dead. Anyone who cares may have supposed this. I have merely been out and about and I forgot to come back home for a few months. I would regall you with my tales and tails, but they are tedious and involve too many frenchmen with blunderbusts and rapiers. Speaking of, my rapist whit shall return to this blog when I do not have school writing to do. Huzzah for university the cause of and solution to all of my prrblems. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for...oh shut the bloody buggering hell up I'm trying to write here, now look what you've made me do...ahhh! Codfish and Alabaster.

Gas and Girlfixer (The Distillers)

Gas is falling. Now after months of more then a dollar a litre for gas (or whatever you Americans have with your non-metric system) it seems that prices are falling faster then last years iPod. Now I'm not saying it'll go down to 30 cents. But I have contacts within the gas companies that tell me the reason for the fall in pricing. It cost 5 people thier lives and 10,000 jobs but by the great rain serpent in the sky, I will bring the news to the lumping proletariat.
It today society oil is the lifeblood of the world. Oil keeps the cars moving, keeps the electricty juicing and keeps small sea creatures dying. But it seems that as a fossil fuel that its time on our little rock from the sun is limited, much like Maroon 5's career. Now, I'm no geologist or economics expert but I did walk onto an all womens college in Pennsylvania once. What I learned, beside the fact that mace hurts, is that we're searching for an alternative fuel source simply because oil is sooooo last century. Thier thinking now electricity will keep our small 4-door sedans moving.
Little do the gigantic gas and oil companies know but theirs a massive almost limitless supply of oil almost right where there sitting. Where is this magical and probably fake oil? Its in Mar Del Plata, Argintina. I know, I was surprised to. But thats what my contacts told me. See how far a stick of gum and $3 candian can get you?
I went to Mar Del Plata to follow up on this rumour. To my knowledge it was nothing but a relaxing resort town. But there was some meeting going on. They kept screaming about Bush. Now, I know the mid-90s Austrailian alternative-rock group was only so-so but really was rioting the answer? So avoiding the bricks, maltov cocktails, bits of lumber and tear gas I made my way through til I found the place. Let me tell you, those Americas Summit Meeting guards sure are rough. So what if I started digging right between the Presidents of Venezuala and Brazil? They didn't seem to notice too much. They were trying to stop Bush. Maybe the group was reforming and coming to thier respected countries, I don't know. 5 musketeers indeed.
In the end I sold my kidney to get back home. It was an unsuccessful trip all round. My contacts lied, I disrupted a trade meeting and I never found the massive hidden cache of oil. But I did come back with some cool scars. So, to you my friends I say this. Oil may not be around forever, but it will be around long enough to find us some better fuels. Why don't we go back to horses? Fast, reliable and if it comes down to it you can make glue outta them!
Adieu.
My kidney is lonely.

Insatiable Indulgence

The American Dream is a dream of a greater life, a life of wealth and riches, luxury and indulgence. Every one of us is the elite of tomorrow, every one of us believes we will be something tomorrow. This idea is fueled by Capitalism, and our will for more. It is humanity. Greed is all that has been with us since the dawn of man, and without greed, humanity would have no reason to invent. It is greed that propels us, it is greed that drives us. It is greed that feeds us. We have this dream of a greater life, a life in which we are the elite. This dream is what corrodes our soul, and mutilates our being. It bears down on our soul, it weakens our constitution, and at last, when we can no longer resist its will, when we can no longer stand its weight, we collapse, and find ourselves content in our miscontentment. We come to our knees, and find ourselves alive in death, we find ourselves envious of those who we should have been. We hide in their shadows of illusion, fearful that we will never be what we had dreamed, we will never be what we should have. We hide in their shadow, behind a facade of fallacy, and illusion. Our illusion is possession. We buy to appear to be the greater, what we still believe ourselves to be. We wallow in the destruction of others, the take pleasure in knowing that others are worse, impoverished, beaten, and crushed. We build ourselves up while tearing others down, We derive pride from the annihilation of others, devastation is our bane. We ravage our souls, and massacre our humanity. We give up all that is good and righteous, and willingly nullify all that is charitable and upright. We are the middle class. We are the discontent. We are the patricians of tomorrow.

Hallows Eve and Halloween (Dead Kennedys)

Yes, it's that time of year again. When ghosts, ghouls and freaks roam the streets. No I'm not talking about the latest Maroon 5 concert. I'm speaking about Halloween! The time when its cold and we light pumpkins on fire. Since I'm the only one awake and had 10 cups of coffee and have no real responsiblilties to speak of, I will be giving you loverly people my take on this magically dark time.
Halloween has always been a surprising time of year. The time when the spiritual world and ours are at thier closest. Therefor we must frighten the spirits of the dead...and people who are afraid of orange away. The time when all the kids go out dressed as superheroes or whatever these kids dress up as these days knock on doors like Jehovah witnesses and the only way to get rid of them is by throwing candy into their bags.
This is also a time for punk teens (I use punk as a derrogtory term refferring to thier actions not of the music in general) to blow things up. I don't understand that aspect. Lighting off fireworks and explosions is about a 30 second thrill. I was young once. When Wilson was president. And let me tell you small explosions are no fun. Found that out when I was sitting by a gas station in Rockford, Maryland. Still banned from that state. People shouldn't have been filling up anyway.
So on this time go out with your kids, legitimate or otherwise, and celebrate this creepy holiday. Dressing up is fun. Don't see why we can't all year long. Just as long as people don't dress up as Maroon 5 or Bush. Those two things are scary enough as it is. And stay away from that stragly haired guy. He's up to no good. In conclusion, watch out for drugs and razorblades. As for me, I'm going to go into my room turn off the lights and eat a bag of Snickers bars weeping the fact that I'm so terribly alone. Party it up all you freaks. Stupid time-change.
Adieu.
My muscles need candy.

Underground

A sharp rush of air, as the subway muscles it's way through the dense air under London. Semi circular tunnels, bearing the grimy memories of thousands of hours of travel beneath the ancient city on their dark-grouted tiles.
The clack of the steel wheels on the railway tines, the rattle of the swaying aluminum cars as they whisk through the constricted underground, the bark of the audio warning "Mind the gap, mind the gap".
This subterranean transportation system has made movement possible for millions daily through one of the most constricted, highly trafficked, and wealthy cities on earth. But it has provided so much more, pride- in it's engineering marvel which has withstood the pressures of public traffic, and the weight of the surrounding earth alike for over a hundred years; and during Londons most trying days, these round, tiled walls gave life saving shelter to thousands during the Second World Wars' Blitz.
But this year, just weeks after I left this great city, this very subway which I whisked through to tour the rich sights and experiences of London, was bombed. Beginning with Kings Cross station- one which I frequented during my stay; bombs ripped through the aluminum shell of the cars, splintering the trademark tiles, warping the indelicate ribbons of steel track with it's massive heat.
This institution which has contributed so much to this city, and indeed to the world, was used to kill innocent human beings on their way into the city- becoming pawns in the bloody game of international policy, tools of oppressive fundamentalism the world over. The sobering hate which courses through this world becomes so apparent, when written in blood on the cracked, dark-grouted tiles of the London Underground.

Katrina Catharsis

Hurricane Katrina, horrifying natural disaster that it was, can be used as a metaphor for a societal catharsis that gives valuable insight into the state of America, and the South in particular. It made very evident the disparity between the social classes in New Orleans, and sadly, the races in as many cases.
However, if we allow this experience to act as true catharsis, that is, a release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit; we can banish the demons of this terrible event and move forward with clear minds, and forward eyes, and right the wrongs which have become so painfully evident.
The grand old city of New Orleans has been decimated, it's citizens scattered, and her poorest residents left dead, or still trapped within the flooded city.
An entire city left homeless.
But hope remains, since we are given an unprescedented opportunity to begin anew on solid footing. A chance, with the city homeless, to ensure that in rebuilding, that everyone does have a home. That those who had the least to cling to, but who lost all, before the merciless pounding of the cruel sea, rise from this tragic event to new heights, as the city, and the nation move upwards from below sea level, and again, onto solid ground.

Music and M&Ms (Blink 182)

Music is all around us. You cant avoid it. PSP's, iPods and the like make your music even more portable and easy to listen to. Today since no one on this thingy wants to post I will give you a brief and quite possibly wrong history of Rock. Just because I have that kind of time.
Before rock there was a thing called country. This country was evil and should never be heard by humans who dont wear plaid and have over-alls. But then in the South a new music was coming. A musical style call Blues. Ah, nothing says good times like blues. It was so diffrent. It had soul, it was ALIVE! A young man of Tennesee then heard this blues. His name of course was Jehosophat Bringal. No, I lied. His name was....Elvis.
Elvis then took this blues and made it popular to suburban teens. The term was later called rock 'n' roll. Much like Elvis, I have the swiviling hips. Let me tell you its hard to stand in line. Rock 'n' roll was good, clean American fun. It spread across the world and of course Elvis went on to sell millions of records and dying on a toilet. Or did he?
The 60's brought a change to the music style of youth. Folk and rock melded into hippie music. But the sixties also brought excellent artists and bands. Jimi Hendrix, the Rolling Stones before Kieth Richards became the living dead and the Beatles to name just a few. It was a time of Vietnam and Love-Ins. Of social change and Peace-ing out. Of course the drugs helped too. *Cough*.
With a the end of the Sixties an evil empire started to rise. This empire was called disco. Disco is the music of Hades, people. Disco shouldve been taken out and shot. But there was hope a small rebellion lead by bands like AC/DC, Lynyrd Skynyrd, KISS, The Guess Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, Alice Cooper, Black Sabbath and many others. This small rebellion held out through the years battling the evil empire of disco throughout the Seventies. Then my children the real music rebellion began in a far off land. Punk. The Clash, Siouxsie & the Banshees, The Adverts, Generation X, Sex Pistols, The Slits and X-Ray Spex all started a strong underground following. Then this punk rock scene spilled over to America where bands like the Ramones, The Misfits, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, Circle Jerks and the Germs flourished. It was a wierd and pierced time.
But all good and punkish things must come to an end. By the 80's most of ye olde punk bands had burned out or faded away. Making way for the oddest music ever. New Wave. Wierd hair and sythesizers were the order of the day. And eveything was tight. I dont know why it just was. Im far too lazy to name New Wave bands though. There were far, far too many. But there was still some rocking bands in the Eighties. The Scorpions, Van Halen, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, Poison, Iron Maiden, Def Leppard, Sammy Hagar, Quiet Riot, Metallica, Warrant and of course the probably biggest band of all time U2. Throughout the Eighties there was a thing called "hair metal". So named of course because of the gigantic sprayed hair the band members had. It wasn't true rock but hey, what else were you listening to in the 80s? Madonna? Michael Jackson? Tears for Fears? It was a time of experiment and wild, wildness, parties. Mmm, cocaine. To quote Robin Williams, "...anything that makes you impotent and paranoid, mmm, gimme more of that!"
Hair metal died a quick death by the early 90's. Then the Seattle scene happened. All of a sudden, instead of gigantic guitar riffs you heard depressign, angst filled music. This music, of course is called, Grunge. Say the name out loud and you can basically figure out the idea behind it. Bands that came out of the 90s were the most influential and great of all time for rock. Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, REM, Bush, Smashing Pumpkins, Blur, Silver Chair, Alice in Chains and of course the great and mighty Nirvana. This was the time of alternative rock. It was dark, it was moody and it effected a generation of teens. And of course it was FUN! Cant spell "my-life-sucks-but-hey-so-does-his" without fun. But unfortunatly after Kurdt Cobains suicide the grunge scene kinda...well, died. There was however a small revival of punk. Green Day, The Offspring, Rancid, The Transplants, The Distillers and the like started to come out of the woodwork. By the late 90s experimintation was the order of the day. Rap-metal, and more electronic sounding rock started appearing. Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Rage against the Machine, Korn to name a few. Im not going on about that because it was a dark time.
Finally here we are at the early 2000's. Rock has finally come back. And more commercialized then ever. But thats not the point. Bands like Nickelback, Default, Theory of a Deadman, Our Lady Peace, Seether, Sum 41, Billy Talent, Three Days Grace, Jimmy Eat World and the like coming through the speakers. Also in every generation there is one band that makes you want to stick your head underwater. Im talking about Maroon 5. Why are people still listening to them? Havent they read this famous blog?
What're people going to say ten years from now? Will this generation of music fans have it worse of? Or are we in the midst of a revolution in rock music? I hate Good Charlotte. Dont ask me why. Just a thing between them, me and an elevator in Idaho. We shall see in another five years whether this music can last or will it just be a fad. I refuse to listen to rap if rock dies. I plan on holding out with rock CDs and a shotgun if it comes to that.
Adieu.
My body hair is growing exceptionally.

New Month and Not really New Name

Yes, it has been awhile since any of us here at the former "Insane ramblings of the decreped" have posted. But heres a short one for you. In Septemeber there will be more posts by myself, II, and the philosopher. Even if we are very lazy or drunk. And perhaps we'll bring back caffienated canuck because hes had far too much free time. Have no fear faithful readers, the Turkey Shoot shall persist. Like a boil. Septemeber will bring many new and hilariously controversial topics. Like Neptunes anger at New Orleans. So wait and see what we have in store. If anything at all.

The Pretty One.

Steroids and Stand Your Ground (Rancid)

Recently there has been a boom of people using the "juice". Baseballs players being hauled in front of committees saying they have never, EVER, EVER used steroids now come back and go "oh yeah, there was this one time.." . But really are any of us surprised? You see these guys on TV and think, "my religious diety, that mans arms are the size of my thigh". But thats not the frightening thing. If you consider shrunken genitals and large melon headed dudes with muscles the size of a small car not frightening. Kids are now getting hooked on steroids.
Back in the good or bad old days, I cant recall which, players didnt have preformance inhancing drugs. Babe Ruth was usually smashed outta his gord when he stepped up to the plate for example. But nowadays baseball needs to be exciting. Have you every watched a full game of baseball? Its the slowest most dull sport in the world. Ive got a brilliant idea. Lets make the players go on crack. Thatd make for some excting baseball. Picture outfielders fleeing from the ball cuz they think it'll bite them. Watching baseball is very taxing. Its slow. But then they hit it and it goes up up and up til some idiot catches it. Or runs into another guy.
For professional ball players it seems fine. But now teen girls are using steroids to get that toned and defined look. What? Its called going to a gym you lazy twit. Little Leaguers are being tested for drugs. I think its time for sport parents to take it down a notch. If little Jimmy has muscles bigger then daddies, and hes ten, PROBLEM! Guys are using steroids to become buff and strong so the ladies will flock to them like flys on a corpse by the train tracks. Listen boyos, you dont need muscles to get women. I should know. Picture a stick with an orange atop it. Thats me. Cept less round....and orange.
So whats to be done? How bout for one we keep the drugs away from the kiddies. How the heck does a 14 year old girl walk into a health food store and grab a can of Insta-muscle? It boggles my mind. Or trivial pursuits it. Everyone is trying to be better in this day and age. Look better, preform better etc. What they dont know is that they dont have too. Looks will fade. Cept mine. Im an elf. And even if you do make it to the big leagues making 10 million a year, whats going to happen when they find the next Mark Maguire or Sammy Sosa? Your going to be kicked out with all your faded glory. People should learn to love themselves as is. Or if you dont go be active. I mean honestly, instead of spending $500 dollars to get a tub of steroid juice go get yourself to a fitness club. Take pilates. Do you really want to live in a world of angry, shrunken testicled, monsters? Maybe just to get rid of Maroon 5 fine. I know some of you do but Im speaking to the guy beside you. Juice should be back to fruits not drugs.
Adieu.
My moles resemble contellations.

Paranoia and Paper Wings (Rise Against)

With the passing weeks of the London Bombings the West has certainly stepped up security measures. The bombs of London or as the American networks like to call it LONDON TERROR!!!!!!!....Ahem, rattled the world. Over 50 dead and still looking for some of the bombers the Brits have kept thier cool throughout with total contempt for terrorists and thier plots. But the real question is. How can we make more people trigger-happy paranoids?
After the attacks London has basically gone back to normal. Just with hightend sercurity measures. But still the fear of yet another attack is on the minds of millions of Lodoners. But hey, if it happened to London why shouldnt the US crank up ye ole security watch? Since most Americans dont know where London is I assume thats why. Increased security measures on subways and trains throughout the US. Thier even implementing a machine that tests if you have any gunpowder residue on you like they have in some airports.
But really, is any of it effective? Yes, allows the capture of terrorists but in most cases it just slows up the already tortoise like movement of traffic. If a nutjob really wants to blow himself up he will due so. No security measures short of shooting him will do it. A metal detector and a cop aint gonna stop another shoebomber. He'd just blow himself up. But therein lies an intresting thing about the London Bombings. The terrorists didnt blow themselves up. They simply planted the bombs and then left to detonate (or fail to) later. That way they can live and bomb another day.
Now just for a certain friend of mine I'll throw some tolerance in this mess. Muslims in the US and Europe now are viewed as potential terrorists. Second glances and in your head are thinking? "cood dis man be dee bad man dat dee great and powerful Lou Dobbs sayd r awout dere?" (Im paraphrasing of course I dont know what your thinking....you should do that though). Muslims in their own arent extremists theres only a wee margin of nuts that recruit lost and angry teens to go and kill people in the name of God. Lou Dobbs. What a shmuck.
So here we are at the end. Terrorism is a horrible, cowardly, backwards, use of psychological warfare. But the thing is there isnt just one gigantic al-Qaida out there to smoosh. No. There are small cells that operate independently of it. There might never be an end to terrorism, but then again with that kind of thinking the terrorists win. The world will continue turning. Soldiers from the West may very well remain in the Holy Land which causes more terrorism which means more soldiers. I like cycles. So the next time there is a large terrorist attack on some large metropolis by a misguided guy listening to Maroon 5 all day. Im not sure if terrorists listen to crappy music but I assume so. We must be like the Brits and keep a "stiff upper lip" about this whole business. Problem is, you look like an idiot if you try to keep your upper lip stiff. I knew you'd try it.
Adieu.
My hair is on fire.

Shuttles and Summer of '69 (MXPX)

Since Lance Armstrong, Sputnik and that dog went up into space. People have been sending crap into the sky quicker then a ball player on steroids. But it wasnt all good times and floating. In 2003 the shuttle Columbia exploded before landing in Miami killing all 7 aboard. Since then NASA has been quickly trying to work out the kinks in shuttle design and electronics. Now with the coming (hopefully) of the shuttle Discovery, the worlds obsession with space can continue.
By this time if you had been born in the last forty years we were supposed to be living on the moon. Having a grand old time floating, playing golf and eating mooncakes. But it seems that we're still where we started. Except we have better clothes instead of tin foil and flock of seagulls haircuts.
Since the beginning of time man has wondered whats out there. So for a couple thousand years we waited until the Soviets sent up the first object ever to make it into space. Sputnik. Sounds like something you say when you get hit. Then they sent a dog and a dude. Not toegether. Thatd be wierd. But it was the God-a-fearin', gun loving, freedom keeping, good ol' USA that sent the first shmuck to the moon. We've all heard the speech so I wont say it.
But with the success of many missions had to have failures. The shuttle Challenger exploded in 1986 after a rocket booster failed. Then more recently the Columbia exploded. But the majority of the missions are successful. If you count if gerbils can survive in flight a success. NASA will continue to tweak and fix most problems.
So whats my point? How long are you people going to keep asking me that? Honestly. My point is this. Though I highly doubt we'll see commercialized space travel in our time, it is becoming more easy to join a space program. I dont want to go to space. Aliens and an evil Empire are out there. Trust me I know. Though it may never be Star Trek or Star Wars or Battlestar Galactia or other of those nerd shows, it will be increasingly rare for disasters to happen. Maybe they'll put Maroon 5 on the moon. Save everyone from ear bleedings. Watch out for falling foam and satillites people.
Adieu.
My shins are glass

ie.

You may have noticed the lack of posting lately, and for this I apologize.
I am currently working on several posts, and am having trouble with all of them.
But fear not good people of earth, they will soon come!
The dark and sinister Lord Writers-block-simus shall not triumph!

Technology and Tropical London (Rancid)

For over a thousand years, when people were seen gesturing and yelling at apparently nothing they were labelled as insane. Or a witch. Either way you were basically kicked out of the community to die a lonely and crazy death. But with the advent of the cell phone those days are long passed. Now we medicate the crazy people. Or give them a computer, a blog and enough coffee to kill a bull moose. Come follow me on the wild rainbow coloured bridge that is this Turkey shoot.
Cell phones now are abundant. Everywhere you look theres adds for family plans or being free from the catch or roll-over minutes or whatever else. The first cell phones were gigantic bricks. Wieghed about 3 pounds and got horrible reception. Only the rich or the stupid would buy them to show thier statues in society. As the times changed so did the phones. Car phones were made because hey, whats more important your life going 75 kmh or your 30 second phone call to your wife on what your going to have for supper?
Then finally the hands-free devices came along and the phones got smaller and smaller. Now they're just inserted into your ear like something see outta that movie I, Robot. Now people clame that cell phones cause brain cancer. I dont know when did I become a radialogist? IF the do then its an incredibly small amount. Unless you got the Nuclear Powered Cell phone Im pretty sure your safe.
So whats to become of our i-Pod, Blackberry, Cell phone the size of your pinky, electric car society? Very little I imagine. There will always be "better" ways to go through your life with the help of doo-dadds and gizmos. Theres an infommercial about this robot that cleans your floor with the help of magnets. Looks like a ball in a cake pan. But maybe soon we'll all be living in a Star Wars/Trek exsistence with light speed, astromech droids and phasers. I wish I had a phaser. My point is, if I can remember correctly, is that technology will improve our lives with more "necessary" ways to do business. Tellers to ATMs, 8-tracks to MP3s, computers to ...smaller, faster computers. Technology is niether good nor bad. It can be annoying all round because if you dont have the latest stuff, well, your nobody.
Adieu.
My eyebrows are smuggling drugs.

Innocence and I Fought the Law (The Clash)

Recently Hilary Clinton spoke to reporters on how the American culture is filled with violence and sex. Why? Could it be the lack of true role-models to teens and kids? Could it be the lack of jobs needed? Is it the drugs? Are you on drugs? Its drugs isnt it? No. Its the old industry that always gets blamed. Not pornography. That industry does fairly unspeakable things but we wont talk about that. Or will I? Hmm. Anyway no. The real industry that gets whacked for degrading our society is..video games.
Remember the good old days of Pong and Mario? Well picture Pong as two guys whaling on each other with tons of blood and guts and Mario doing the horizontal limbo with Princess Peach during the game. Kinda wierd right? Well thats what Mrs. Clinton is saying that happens with all games. Too violent, overly-sexual time wasters. Most games have a degree of violence. And a very small number of games have sexual content. Sexual content being blurry or blacked out images. And time-wasting....well most games are.
Clinton spoke of one game in paticular "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas". Claiming that she was disgusted when she heard that you can follow step by step instructions on how to get a pornographic scene in the game. First of all, who finds these things out? How long do you have to spend to find something naughty? and secondly, the only reason people would look for this is A) Too have a good laugh or B) do naughty sinful things in the privacy of their homes. Now Ive played San Andreas and yes it is violent and it does have very strong language and sexual themes. But it was FUN!
When you think gamer you think of a 16 year old social-indept Dungeons and Dragons, "I got an A on my trigonometry test" type of guy. But the gaming world has changed. Yes, teens and young people make up a large portion of the gaming industry but the average age of a gamer is 31. And not only males are in there. There are tons of female gamers as well. The gaming industry sees the age of the gamers and makes games directed for them. Hence the violence and sex.
Im not saying that showing little Billy a hooker getting beaten is a good thing but I am saying that we can cut a little slack to the industry. But if Hilary and all the rest have their way we'd see titles like "Amish Adventure", "Fun with Shapes", "Watch Paint Dry". Kids should get games that are directed for their age range. But you shoudlnt shelter your kids from it. Being exposed to it and showed that while yes its fun or funny you shouldnt do it in real life. So whats to be done? Games will always have a degree of violence and sexuality. Nothing will save that. If a bill goes through showing that video games are too be always geared for kids there will be many an angry blog. If you want to censor something get Maroon 5 off the air. Now if you'll excuse me Im going to play a rousing game of "Watching Paint Dry".
Adieu.
My spine is crooked.

Keebler elves

Elves. I like elves, because they help to create delicious, delicious cookies for our consumption. Wouldn't working elves all night making cookies without pay, and with crazy hours constitute a sort of slave labour? And are these elves aware that they're helping to lead our children head first into an obesity epidemic.
Oh, I remember the obesity epidemic of ol' aught 9, it was horrible jimmy, there were porkchops and cheesecake everywhere! I wonder if they're happy, because in an existentialist, moral-less world, if the elves are happy in their ebesity making, enslaved lives, then what's wrong with it right? HAPPY ELVES!
I wonder if the elves like pudding. As long as you're going for obesity, why not pudding? It's hard to make though, I wonder if the elves would have the arm power to stir it, but then I guess they'd be making tiny little batches. Wee little batches.
I believe jump ropes to be the definetively most sexist playground tools in the world. It is enforcing within young girls that they can at one time "play" with men for their own enjoyment, who are here reprisented in a fallic symbol of the jump rope, and is further mocking those men plagued with erectile dysfunction by using a limp rope as a fallic symbol. Sea animals have no feelings. I once saw a man stab a crab and drain it's blue blood and make an alcoholic cocktail with it. If that wont turn you off of drinking, nothing will. I don;t think we're honest enough in this society, I think we're all living with some nefarious "lab" in our lives, but we sugar coat human relations, making this oft messy subject real glossy, like an 8 by 10 glossy photo, not to be mistaken with a 9 by 5 matte, oh no, their COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! We dont use the word nefarious enough, it's a good word, that and brilliant, the british use it all the time as an normal adjective.
ie. That dish of pasta was brilliant, or that's an absolutely brilliant t-shirt. Work on that.
That and howdydoo, I like that, work on that too.
I like woodwind instruments, although I never understood that name. Wind has nothing to do with it. stupid....instument...naming...people...
And racists are no good, except for that one burly russian who keeps picking on Poor andrew, he's no good. But just that one.
I dislike capitol letters, I go through phases of using them
a) randomly
b) constantly
c) sporatically
d) never
e) always
f) nonsensically spread throughout words and phrases.
but I guess that's the way I likes it.
Hollandaise sauce is weird, btu you should always keep a saucepan full of it handy.
I can;t say what for, but when the time comes...you'll know.
or will you?...hmm...maybe I should just say.
But then, what if I say it, and it was unnecessary, and it ruins it.
or if you can;t be trusted and you spill the beans? hmmm, maybe I should think for a little while about thi- OH NO, THE BURLY RUSSIAN!
CHEESE IT!!!!!!

Trumpcard and Time Bomb (Rancid)

Yesterday the esteemed leader of the most freedomist, democraticist country on the earth gave a speech about I-raq. It was held in Fort Bragg, N.C. a lovely little military base. The crowd was a bunch of military men and women of course so you can imagine the excitement. Yippee-doodle-day. But of course Bush played his "trumpcard", 9/11.
Since the horrible event happened Bush has non-stop talked about terrorists (or tourists Im not sure sometimes) trying to harm America. Well guess what. Thats what terroists do! They see America as the Great Satan. Debauchery and unholiness everwhere. And for the most part its true. Our society is driven far too much by sex and image and some such. Not like Im complaining. It doesnt concern me since Im one of the pretty people.
9/11 is the Republican/Bush admin. trumpcard. The instant its said they believe the general public will allow them to get away with anything in the right that theyre hunting terroists. But I mean cmon. Spet. 11 was a downright evil act, but that doesnt give the right to say it to justify attacking whomever you please. It seems that all Bush has to say now are a few choice words. Freedom, terroists, axis of evil, 9/11, democracy, misunderstatement. OK that last one was just for laughs but Im serious about taking every other word outta Bushs speeches.
Im saying its time to move away from the fun-happy catchphrase of 9/11. Im not saying we should forget about it but I think its high time the US stops persecuting all muslims and chillax a bit. Just today in fact DC was evacuated cuz some shmuck didnt head the no fly zone. Had everything short of the National Guard on red alert. Oh wait they did.
So whats to happen now? I think people are realizing that Bush is just throwing refrences of the worst terroist attack in US history to make them follow his cowboy policing the world policies. Police of the world. That title just screams freedom and democracy dont it? Only thing they should be policing against is the next Maroon 5 concert. Just cuz your the biggest kid on the block doesnt mean your the brightest.
Adieu.
My capilleries are escaping.

U.N and Under Par (Thrice)

The UN is like a really old computer. Mostly useless, takes too long to process and cant play half the games that you want it to. Granted the UN has done tons and tons in the field of humanitarian efforts but theres still many countries that are barely scraping by that need the UN's help. I was supposed to do a rant on tolerance but this is more entertaining then watching Mike Tyson at a spelling bee. Maybe I'll throw something in there. You never know. Its kooky. SPLAA!
The UN was formed after good ol'WWII. The victorious Allies (US, Britain, France, Soviet Union, China) were given veto powers to cancel anything the UN wanted to do. Before the UN there was something called the League of Nations. Which was almost as useless as a chicken trying to swim. The League was wishy-washy when it came to incredbily important issues. Japans invaison of Manchuria in the 30's, Germany's re-arming and breaking of the Versailles treaty. So after the war a new form of justice for nations was needed. Enter the UN.
For the most part the UN did a fair deal. The genocides in Rwanda were kinda fixed. Various war-lords and rebels in the southern hemisphere were smooshed and the Soviet bloc didnt cross that big..wall...thing. But lets look at good ol'former Yugoslavia. After the death of their communist leader Tito, the country went the way of all good communist countries, it flopped like a beached whale. The Serbians were all edgy about uniting the country again. The Bosinians and Croats werent so hot on the deal. And the Macidonians just wanted to be left alone both by there former republic members and Greece which claimed Macedonia was stolen from them. After a wee little war and "ethnic cleansing" the UN used its mighty and vast powers to...sit and debate. US didnt want to get involved. England and France sided with the Croats and Bosnians while Russia sided with the Serbs. England and France didnt want a war on their hands and Russia kept supplying the Serbs to kill Bosnian Muslims. So you can guess what happened. Vetos up the wazoo.
But in the end peace was restored. Sorta. Theres still peacekeepers there making sure that the people of the former yugoslavia dont liquidate each other. The UN is now under attack by the US for not acting quick enough during the Iraq war. Now the US is in a dilly of a pickle they want other nations to bail them out. The UN has shown that is very slow to react to issues. The US is like the ADD, fat kid you know. Always into things and none quite sure how to get out. But the UN needs to speed up itself or it will cease to exist.
Im not saying that we should go without a UN. That would lead to chaos and I would end up being Emperor of the World. and Maroon 5 being played none-stop. But I am saying that changes are needed. To face the 21st century dilly-dallying on how to deal with issues could lead to horrendus concequences. Such as some bay...Guachamoly I think. But the US also has to know that it cant just go in and do whatever it pleases because its the only super-power (for now).
Europe is divided over how to apporach the future. The French dream of a United Europe that can stand against the US. The Brits want to be left alone and follow the US. And the rest are just being very careful on what is going to happen. With wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and possibly other countries, the US has got to realize that it cannot fight all the time. Pressures from home and abroad are also helping. Its like that one war..you know, the one the US doesnt like talking about. Starts with a V ends with IETNAM.
So whats to be done? I think this world needs more tolerance of each other. Tehre I threw it in. The UN will be there always. If not then we're in a mess of trouble. The UN allows for all nations to be equal. The US seems to have a problem with that.
Adieu.
My viens wiggle.

Grammar

Grammar (grăm'ər) [I like to pronounce it GwraeMMerrrrrr, it's funny)
n.
1. The study of how words and their component parts combine to form sentences.
2. The study of structural relationships in language or in a language, sometimes including pronunciation, meaning, and linguistic history.
3. The system of inflections, syntax, and word formation of a language.
4. The system of rules implicit in a language, viewed as a mechanism for generating all sentences possible in that language.
5. A normative or prescriptive set of rules setting forth the current standard of usage for pedagogical or reference purposes.
6. Writing or speech judged with regard to such a set of rules.
7. A book containing the morphologic, syntactic, and semantic rules for a specific language.
8. The basic principles of an area of knowledge: the grammar of music.
9. A book dealing with such principles.
10. Completely lost skill set and ability.

Whatever has happened to the most basic skill sets as pertaining to grammar and spelling; the most basic elements of syntax and communication. The simple uilding blocks of non-verbal communication, the metaphysical wall that seperates us from the untamed beasts. I look around at the inclusions that are being made in our common language, and all of it seems to be a pervertion of proper language. Being cut apart by "msn speak" in an attempt to economise in as much as possible, we've lost our once beautiful, understandable language in favour of efficiency. An efficiency fostered at the cost of clarity.
I'm out. I be pooning some noobs, at they own game B4 I go to poon some noobs wit my comp, so I can flyu up the rank so I'll be # 1, not 3 on the ranks, peece.
(shudder)

China and California Babylon (Transplants)

Chinas economy is the fastest growing in the world. Everything you own, buy or steal is quite possibly made in China. US and European companies find that its easier to market there then in their home countires. The labour is cheap and it allows the "fat cats" to make more money paying the average Chinese worker less then minimum wage then to pay say an American worker full wages and insurance and such. But why are companies doing this? As I have stated its plain easier to make the products there and ship it to wherever then making it here.
China has been a communist country since 1949 when a little man named Mao kicked out the Japanese and all others who opposed his rule. Up til that point China had been exploited by other nations. Most prominently Britain and Japan. China didnt have much in the way of industry at the time, it was basically all agriculture. But Mao changed all that. In a Stalinistic purge, he kicked Chinas' economy into high gear. For 30 years China grew and grew and completely cut itself off from the West. Then in the 70's to ease pressures from the USSR and the Vietnam war, President Nixon of the US went to China and visited many historic sights of the country, finally opening the powerhouse communist country open to the West.
You see, when the people have basically no human rights, and there are a billion people in your country you really can pay people in beans. So American corporations see this and think "Hmmm". By sending food, vehicle and all other goods from their country to China makes it easier to ship abroad. Little do they know that China doesnt need it.
China is basically a capitalist country. The youth of the country realize that communism just doesnt work. Look at Lenins Russia, Titos Yugoslavia, Castros Cuba. OK, I know that last one isnt one but hey, when he dies what do you thinks gonna happen? Young people in China for the majority arent even in the Communist party. The only reason they join is to become a beaurocrat in the country that already has more red tape then if you sewed all the flags of the country toegether.
So what will happen to our North American economy? Will it dry up faster then Michael Jacksons career? (Sorry I had to throw a Michael reference in there). Alas Im not a analyst on this sorta thing. China will continue to grow into a super-power that could potentially rival the US. The US has problems with everything these days. Internal struggles, world opinion, illegal immigration and now this economic giant looming over them. Maybe they deserve it, maybe they dont. Now to go grab my Nikes and perhaps play some games on my IBM computer made in the US. Right...
Adieu.
My ankles turn inward.

Street Racing and St. Jimmy (Green Day)

For the last five or six years, street racing has taken over the youth culture. Tinkering with engines, lowering your car and adding graphics make your ride rule the streets. But why? You see these suped up Acuras, Nissans, Hondas and Hundais and wonder why put ten grand to maintain a dangerous and deadly hobby?
Speed and looks are the two most important factors to the street racers. How well your car can preform is almost secondary to how it looks. Its really quite amazing how your car is an extentision of your personality. And its not just guys that are invovled with this. Girls are also tricking out their rides to get sweet cred. Im sorry I slipped back into the lingo.
Everywhere you look these days you see some sort of advertisment or invovlement with the street racing mystique. Video games allow to create your ultimate ride and do things that normally would get you killed in real life, movies like Fast and the Furious giving us outsiders a view of what the culture is all about. But I havent yet ranted on why this fad is still with us and may possibly stay for a lot longer. Lets go to that......nnnnnnnnnNOW!
The youth of today are lost. I should know, I am a youth of today. Noone to look up to. No role model or central figure that we as a generation can connect with. The early 90s gave alot if not all angst-ridden, confused teens a person to look up to. Kurt Cobain. I know what your thinking. How is that heroin addict a source of comfort to the lost teens? Easy. He was one of them. Outsiders felt connected to him through his depressive music. Today there are no stand out leaders. Hence why the youth of today try to make a name for themselves through any means possible.
With enough cash you can make your everyday Honda Civic into a rocket machine. NoS in the system makes those little things fly. Its insane. And it doesnt effect just one group of people. Oh no. Black, white, asian, hispanic kids everywhere are getting there cash and spending it on their 20" chrome spinners. You must have seen or heard these racers on the street. Bass thumping with massive speackers in the car and trunk, girgantic spoiler on the back, lowered and massive hubcaps put on.
When you think street racer you have mental images of the Fast and Furious mobiles flying down straight-a-ways burning it up. But only a few do this. For one, theres none to many straight non-patrolled sections of any city and for another they dont care too. Thats right. As I said earlier its about looks. How you look and how your care looks. Insecurity is over compensated by having the sweetest looking ride around. But saddly some do "street race" for money, car ownership, respect. Some of these races are fatal to the driver and innocent by-standers.
Fast and the Furious and all street racing games dont premote the sport as much as those who have an intrest in it can do as they wish. They can pretend and have the best car in the world. But actual street racers are not the stereotypical youth that dont car if they live or die. Making your car look and preform is a labour of love. So what can we do? There isnt anything. Youth will always find a way to have fun whether legally or illegally. I know Im generalizing but thats just the fact of the matter. The youth of today are lost and make up for it in risking their lives in a stupid attempt for immortality. Didnt think I could be so thoughtful huh?
Adieu.
My wrists are tied to a mule.

TV and Trust (Thrice)

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Holy City and Hall of Mirrors

The Holy Land is the birthplace of three of the great world religions. Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Yet often we see it in the news as a war zone. Recently First Lady Laura Bush went to Jerusalem to speak on womens rights and to get great photo ops....I mean visit historic sights. Now I personly dont like deserts. Just read my blog about Illegal immigrants and Incorpreal. But for the people who read this psychotic blog I went. First class too! If you count being on a Greek oil tanker that smelled faintly of the last time I was in Little Rock Arkansas. You know the smell.
When I arrived at Jerusalem after weeks on the Greek tanker I was a bit hungry. They didnt exactly feed me. So I popped into a little cafe in the heart of Jerusalem. It was perfectly safe. Contrary to belief that every second car has a bomb in it Jerusalem is actually incredibly safe. So I took off some body armour and laid down my M-16 assualt rifle. But I kept my PPK! I wasnt afraid of terrorist bombings. I just had heard that Maroon 5 was in town.
After I had eaten some delicious ham on rye I decided to wander around the New City. Thats when I saw not just one famous person. Oh no. Thatd be easy. Besides it was more intresting. I saw Brendan Fraiser and Usama bin Landen. I know. It was wierd. What was a terrorist leader and a Canadian out-of-work actor doing in Jerusalem? For the good of all human life I had to find out.
Since his last movie Brendan followed the Shania Twain way of moving to another country and striving there. As for Usama, he makes LOVELY cappacinos. Usama had stumbled his way there back in April and had been living underground for quite some time. Literally. He was underground. He lived in a sewer. Anyhoo, I spoke with Brendan and Usama for quite some time. They were opening a acting studio toegether. It was to be called "Anarchist Actors Agency". Catchy no?
Well, as day turned to night I left my two famous friends and headed out in search of the Maltese Falcon. Unfortunatly I never found it so now Im back here. Completely forgetting what my trip had to do with the First Lady. So whats the point? There is none. Yes Im as shocked as you are. Maybe we all need to learn a little tolerance. There we go. I like that. Now to find me a tank so I can get home safely.
Adieu.
My knees are backwards.

Where's the Love? It's Just a Bit of Blood!

So, I learned this Saturday morning that my car has a flat tire. Naturally I went to Canadian Tire to have it fixed. It was going to take about 2 hours, so I decided to get a caffeine fix and then walk around the neighborhood. Now you must all know that I am prone to random nose bleeds, and just my luck as I was walking along my nose began to bleed. So I stopped at the first shop I found. It was a dinjy little Figian shop with a sole owner/manager working there. Unfortunately his bathroom was not working, so he kindly gave me some paper towels and I went searching for a functioning bathroom. I thought I was saved when I found a Medical Clinic, but I was wrong. When I entered the receptionist stared wide eyed at me. When I told her my predicament she went to ask the doctor. After a few humiliating minutes infront of a lobby full of people I was curtly told that I could not use the bathroom to wash the blood off my face. I was too shocked to be indignant, but I shall return there and give them a piece of my mind. I eventually found an ABC that let me use the bathroom, so i was fine. But now, what kind of wretched society do we have when a Medical Clinic will not even allow a distressed person to use the bathroom. People need to treat others with basic respect, or anarchy shall ensue. There is no love in peoples' actions anymore. Gone are the days of the good samaritan apparently. I shall fight against this, I don't care if I disagree with your lifestyle, whether man, woman, young, old, gay, straight, socialist, democratic, Muslim, Sihk, Christian, Mormon, Buddhist, Atheist I will love you all. I may disagree, but love does not worry about that, it is concerned with careing for other first. Love is letting a person clean the blood from their face. It is an action, yet that action can be so much more. We are missing love and we desperately need it back. Seek love people, seek it!

I've had Enough of this Feminist Shit!

Webster's Dictionary's second meaning for the word Bitch is, "a malicious, spiteful, and domineering woman". I find that this term is not used often enough to describe women in politics and in the field of journalism. I admit that there are very many talented and good willed women in both fields, but I am so insensed by the vast majority of hard core bitches that I simple canot stay silent any longer. In particular I shall focus on one Daphne Bramham, a bitch who writes for the Vancouver Sun and often writes about "evil white guys". I find her most offensive and bigoted, so I shall not remain silent about my feelings for her.
In an article entitled "Stronach Definition brings out Sexist Knuckledraggers" she tears into the Conservative MP's who commented on Belinda Stronach's recent defection as "prostitution" and "whoreing". Although these comments may not have been leveled at a male MP I think that her sexuality does have a great deal to do wit h the situation. The fact that she was sleeping with Conservative MP Peter McKay is enough to bring it in. She obviously uses her sexuality to further her political cureer, and jumped ship when it looked like Paul Martin could give her a better cureer. I am not accusing her of any sexual activity with Paul Martin, but her treatment of McKay is reprehensible. the issue here is not about Stronach though, I can see the other side of the story where it is very offensive to call any woman a whore. I can see both sides in that situation. My problem is the "logical" conclusion to which Daphne Bramham takes the whole situation. After a rather large rant about how bigoted and masogenistic the conservative MP's were for their comments she ends with this (and this is the biggest irony of all feminism): "What would the WHITE GUYS do then? They'd target Indo-Canadians, Chinese-Canadians, First Nations people and anybody elsewho's not just like them." That comment is both malicious and spiteful, which means that my definition as her as a bitch is correct. Why is it accepted to be bigoted towards WHITE GUYS? Why are WHITE GUYS demonized in the media? These tirades against WHITE GUYS have to stop, I found three full length articles about the evils of white men in one edition of the Vancouver Sun. That just isn't good journalism and the comments of a number of female MP's decrying WHITE GUYS is just not good politics. Stop, stop, stop, stop , stop! To quote my friend Christine, "I am sick of all this feminist SHIT!" Women are not oppressed, or looked down on by the majority of men in Canada, so do not group all white men together in one group of bigots or you will be guilty of bigotry yourself. So, Daphne Brahman, that is why I used a dictionary definition to describe you, because the way yuo acted in your article is bitchy. You are obviously an intelligent and talented woman, just stop with this oppressed woman facade, because it just doesn't exist anymore. And that's the way it is...

the philosopher one

Culture shock

It must be hard for those raised outside of North America to see through the veil of cultural difference, and understand he state of our fair continent.
In fact, I find it hard.
It just seems that we've so badly lost sight of what's important.
We live in a consumer driven society; without constant product turn over, industry shuts down. This means that our products MUST be disposed of after a short period of time, room MUST be made in the marketplace for new products. Therefore, what incentive is there for making a quality product. It's a recipe for bankrupcy.
Our entire lives are consumed with creating poor quality products, making a wage, and buying said poor quality products.
We are more and more being culturally conditioned through the media towards low self-esteem, and greater depths (or should I say shallows) of blind, rabid consumerism. Tying our self worth to what car we drive, what neighborhood we live in, how new our appliances are, and how our bodies stack up against the stars'.
Our fixation on shallow exterior things is mirrored by our fascination with hollywood's stars- we know them only as two dimensional images, spouting lines on a screen, but we adore them regardless.
One is more likely to read tabloid gossip about who Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise is dating (Angelina Jolie, and Katie Holmes, respectively...this gossip is everywhere, even I know it off-hand.)than the important news stories from off continent, or even outside of America. For an even more telling example, one must look only as far as Paris Hilton. Here is an empty-headed bimbo, who has lived a life of luxury, and comfort, who gains stardom simply because her face shows up on tv. Even the fickle and shallow world of fame has no exclusivity anymore, one needn't even have basic talent to enter it, simply show up on tv and voila, you're a star.
While we're on the supject of stars with no talent, lets have a look at the music scene. We live in a time of computers and synthesizers, and software that can make anyone sound good, that is a fact; but the way that producers have exploited this computer gear, in order that they might cheapen their own profession I might add, is appalling. Using synthesizers to make good singers sound even better than in past generations, unavoidable, but using them to launch multi-platinum careers of no talent bimbo's, criminal. (I'm looking at you Ashlee...)
All of this can be justified I'm sure simply by stating, as I did at the beginning of this article, that we are living in a society reliant on quantity, not quality, and that these new developments are simply that culture being taken to it's logical conclusion. And I suppose that is true, this IS a caricature of our past culture.
It's no wonder North America suffers from poor self-esteem, our women suffer through crippling depression on account of their physical selves, and a rediculous standard set up by the media (a standard which surpasses even the models posing for it, thanks to lighting tricks, and even computer editing) we work ourselves into heart attacks trying to provide the newest cars, homes and electronics, all of which will break down and need to be replaced in a matter of years.
The growth of intellectual relativism has even crushed our sense of togetherness and worth- nothing is permanent here.
We often wonder, what will the Archaeologistsof the far future think of us when they find out civilization?
I counter that there will be nothing for them to find. How long do you suppose our dvd's, wood frame houses, and tickle-me-elmo's will last under the weight and stress of time? And as for our great skyscrapers, we ourselves will take care of those, one must only look to Las Vegas to see the active destruction of our own steel and concrete monuments to satisfy the tides of change, and the whims of our new-born relative society.
Nothing physical is permanant, but failing that, we lack even stability, even the illusion of permanance. We look towards Europe, and see the great monuments of ages past; the great stone block pyramids of Egypt, the awe inspiring Colusseum of Ancient Rome, even the gothic spires of France's great Cathedrals.
Not permanent, but stable.
Many thousands of years of history were reconded with that stone, and we treasure them still. I suppose that had those great monuments been built in North America, we'd have torn the great Colusseum down every thirty years, and built an even larger Superdome, or Astrodome. We lose our Tangeable link to our past, and therefore we have none. We live a life of immediacy, a life in the present, all the while seeking for something to fill the void left by history and culture.
For that is what humanity seeks, permanence, a link to our past; and we try to find it- through heraldry, and exploring the highlights of our ancient roots. All because we were born and raised, in a culture that offered us nothing.
A family home, a place where generation after generation have a tangeable link, and yes, it's not the building that forces that link, it's the people and the memories, but humans think in a linear manner, we require a tangeable place that recalls those memories, a place that offers the illusion of permanence, and allows us to know truly who we are.
Permanence, stability, and purpose are what we all crave, and the tangeable reprisentations of those things; quality, craftsmanship, durability, are what we have abandoned piece-meal in our society, with tragic results. We have created a lost civilization; each person lost with-in themselves, and lost within the whole, and all this so we can replace our "out-dated" PS1, with a PS2, or our "out-dated" PS2 with a PSP......

Survivor and Salvation

Some if not all of you have been wandering where the lovely cast of this blog have gone. Well, I cant speak for the group (actually I can but they'll just beat me) but I was taken hostage in North Korea. Amazing? Yes. Insane? Perhaps. Do you still have that rash?....tell you later. Now then onto my tale on how I escaped from Pyongyang, North Korea.
I was happily eating a yogurt stick near the border of Korea. What was I doing there? you monkey wrench throwing audience ask. Simple. There were free T-shirts of Kim Jong Il. I cant pass up a deal like that. So I wandered around the border being yelled at by both sides. Suddenly my yogurt stick flew out of my hand and landed in no mans land. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was an act of something more powerful, maybe I just threw it for fun, in any case it landed in between the two borders.
Thats when the North Korean guards come in. As I tried to retrieve my yogurt stick (which by the way are absolutly FABULOUS!) I was roughly taken across the North Korean border. Why didnt the South Koreans help me? Well maybe it had something to do with my being nude. But hey its a liberal world aint it?
I was quickly clothed in drab communist cloth clothing and hurled into a jeep. A sack that smelled slightly of a locker room was pulled over my head so I could see a thing. Not like I cared. For the reason I didnt care was because on loud speakers throughout North Korea was the average propaganda that seems so effective in sapping the will of the oppressed people. Now propaganda itself can somewhat dull you and make you a pawn of the governement but what really works is music. A certain type of music. I think you know what Im talking about.
Maroon 5. The skinny emo losers that play horrid ear bleeding music were played intersperced with the propaganda. It'd drive any sane person mad. Luckly Im not sane so it didnt effect me much. On and on we drove through Pyongyang with people throwing things at me. Why? Somehow I had gotten naked again. Quite a talent I must admit since I was in handcuffs. Anyhoo we drove until we stopped. What?
I was forced out of the jeep and hustled into a small cell. There the hood, thankfully, was taken off and I saw what was to be my cell, unthankfully. It was a wee little cell. Like being in a cubicle with more natural light. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light I saw a figure standing near the slit of a window. At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me (sneaky little devils) but no it was...
Tom Westman. Thats right. The recent winner of Survivor. Needless to say in my Forrest Gump-esque life I had never met a Survivor winner. He stared at me with his intense eyes then went back to staring out the window. Not wanting to disturb him I sat quietly in the corner. Thats when I noticed the cell door was open. Guess the NK guards arent very bright. Quickly I yelled for Tom and we both ran out of the prison complex.
I'll quickly some up what happend. Stolen AK-47s, Dead guards, stolen MiG fighter, diplomatic problems, WWIII almost happened AND I found a dime. So what the point my Alfs? I beilive that Tom Westman of truck 108 of New York was trying to stop the nuclear program of North Korea. Why? he won survivor folks. He can do anyhting. I think I saw him fly once.
So go out on this monday and try not to think of your own suffering rather the suffering of others. And if you find yourself naked on the border. Grab yourself a yogurt stick. They're grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Stupid Tony.
Adieu.
My legs wish to foxtrot.

Arms and Anesthesia

I know a guy, who knows a chick, that knows an uncle, whos cousin friends brother is an illgeal arms dealer to Third World countries. Some say these people are criminals. And they are. But thats beside the point. How did I get involved? you sausage eating audience ask. I shall spin you a yarn. Or maybe knit a sweater. Its cold outside.
I was riding a llama through the jungles of Peru a few years back. I was on a quest to find a lost Incan city. Unknown to me at the time it had been found and know about for roughly 56 years. Anyhoo, my sherpa guide who I named Scarface (his real name was Pedro or something I didnt pay much heed) was leading me to a certain spot where I thought the city was. If only I could read maps properly. Turns out that where I though the city was, was actually the Amazon river. Live and learn I guess.
But as we were carry my llama across (llamas are deathly afraid of water) a group of hairy men lept out and shot Scarface. Oh how I wept. Because the llama was heavy and it fell on me. It was heavy. Anyway, a group of mean lookin men came over, dragged the llama off me and pointed their Kolishnikov AK-47 assualt rifles in my direction. Now I had gotten out of worst scraps before. Just ask me how I escaped from Nazi Germany AND Stalinistic Russia in one day. Man that was a bad day.
So the group of pseudo-military milita men blindfolded me and lead me to what I assumed was to be their base camp. After almost killing myself and three guards at numerous occaisions they decided to relieve me of the blindfold. After what seemed 25 minutes we reached their shabby little camp. Guns, Stinger misslies and other weaponry lay about the site. Also a LOVELY little basket of fruit.
The guards whom I named Larry, Curly, Moe and Darrin shoved me into the largest, and smelliest tent. I blinked a few times because of the lack of light. Then as they began to focus I saw a figure sleeping on the bed. It was the numa numa guy! Amazing. Lying there doing his danc to Maroon 5. One annoying band deserves another. Before he could wake up I slipped out and ran. I wont bore you with the details. Lets just say I owe the Peruvian government a new helicopter.
The point. Yes, we've reached it. The Numa Numa man (AKA Gary Brolsma) is selling illegal arms. Why? To fund an entire website to prolong his 13 and a half seconds of fame. I know. I was surprised too. I did steal some intresting papers outta that tent while I was there. And thats what they said. Either that or I fell asleep watching CNN again. So go out and enjoy this May day. MAY DAY!
Adieu.
My glass eye has fallen out.

Peanuts and a Punk Rock Song

Peanuts are destroying society as we know it. I know what youre thinking my little Sith warriors, peanuts cant do anything, whys he talking about peanuts? Well my friends I shall tell you. It began a long time ag....nevermind it happened a month ago last tuesday.
I was lying on the floor trying to yell at the Mole People to stop thier attacks on North Korea when all of a sudden, I died. Thats right. I, The Pretty One, died on that day. How? I dont know. Perhaps I shouldve not pounded the ground near that antique Zulu spear I have hanging precariously above me. But hindsight is 20/20. Now then, what was i going on about? Oh yeah I dead.
I felt myself floating above my skewerd body and drifting up towards heaven. Then i stopped, hovered for a moment and plumetted like a Vanilla Ice record. Through the ground I fell, continuing down past the mole people until I reached Heck. Not hell, heck. It's like hell but less hot and evil. More like spending a day in New Jersey. Anywho, as I sat there trying to get my bearings who should walk up to me but, Chris Farley.
I know. I was amazed too. What was a comedian who died of an O.D doing in heck? Immediatly Mr. Farley went into one of his classic freak out bits. Physical humour plus his incredbly nimbleness that had captured audiences for over ten years on SNL. But quickly I grew bored and edged my way towards a lage door marked private. Of course I went in. Its the little rebel in me.
Inside at a large and forboding desk sat the most hideous and derranged creature I had ever laid my beautiful eyes on. It was Yasser Arafat. Strange as it was he looked almost human. He asked me what I was doing in Heck. I said I came to discover what I was doing there myself. So we chatted for a while over Mountain Dew and Krispy Cremes. Finally, after a lot of laughs, tears and opening on our love of all things punk, he decided to share with me the secret of why our society is so very wrong.
He looked aaround to make sure no one was looking then placed a CD in the player which sat beside him. It blared out Bad Religions 'Punk Rock Song'. THe reason for societies decline, he said, was peanuts. Now he didnt have time to eleaborate before a large demon wearing a Maroon 5 t-shirt(I guess demonic minions like that music)came in and dragged me away. Not saying a word he hurled me back up through a large hole. I went soaring through the earth until I reached my body.
So thats my story as you see. Learned my lesson and so did she. Well, actually no. niether I nor her learned our lessons. The point you ask? I dont know. Yasser (or Y-Dog as he's known to friends) didnt get to explain to me why peanuts are ruining our society. So....work it out on your own. Go out and dance around a maypole this day. I must go back at yelling at the Mole people so I can stop WW3 or the next Maroon 5 tour.
Adieu.
My tongue has gone astray.