An Experiment

Manic-Depressive--- a vague description. Bipolar--- a misnomer. To be a person who swings to such staggering oppositions, rises and falls between incoherent contradictory extremes, is truly a terrifying thing. Imagine understanding everything and then knowing nothing. I have said it before and I will say it again. The field of psychology is the second most futile attempt at understand that which cannot be known--the first being theology. I resent the labels that are placed on people to describe their "abnormal" behavior. I was thinking today of bipolar, a "disease" which I have been accused of. I believe that the name of this "abnormality" is misleading. It was chosen by people with very little understanding of the nature of the experience of being someone who is labelled bipolar. The main problem is that within the flluxtuating soul, there are no poles. There is a definite movement from one extreme to another, but there is no end. There is no mountain peak upon which a person is manic, and there is no end to the void down which you plummet in depression. Depression and mania are also not that different from one another. When you "go up" you think that you know everything, you see everything, you simply are, but then right at the edge of that understanding you find yourself at the bottum of dispair, you realize that you know abosolutely nothing and their is nothing, you are in the void. The pinnacle of the mountain is the same as the bottumless nothing of the void. The top is the bottum and the top is the bottum. But, all this talk of up and down is misleading as well. I might as well describe this as a horizontal movement or perhaps even a dementional movement that we cannot understand unless we are in that state.

You think too much, you are taking things too far, you are so fucking insane. You are a heretic, a sinner, an enemy of the truth. A flake!

Gotta write, gotta eewwzzzz out these words, gotta think, no hesitation, free my words, let my thoughts out, unfettered from the language they are masked by. Gotta get me out of the equation, gotta let true free though slide around on the screen, gotta believe that what is coming out isn't tripe, no editing, there I just did it, noo noo noo just thoughts, thoughts on a page. Write enough to fill up a novel, sell sell sell, justify your existence, don't be a drag on society, get a good job in city, dog in the suburbs, and all that goes along with that. Don't forget to have fun, storm the wall, be involved, be happy, don't swear around children they might be influenced, and never never never talk to strangers on the bus or you might start to realize that things are a lot more complicated than you thought they were.

I am thinking ahead of my writing, I have to stop this, I am causing it to go in a direction. I am writing a word with the intent of having another series of words after it. Words that I have not even typed yet are causing words that will exist after it before it is even written on the page.

I am not actually crazy. I am just experimenting with some modes of writing. I think that I can force my mind to experience things that it is not experiencing. I have always done this; now I am going to do it deliberately...