War Mongering for Dummies

I like CNN. They make me so very happy. I mean, you have such a wide range of characters, it makes a Shakespeare play look like a 4th grade science project. Larry King, Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer they all bring such good times to todays sorrowful world. But recently my little news addicted head almost exploded with pure raw goodness. Its a very special week for CNN. Its PLANET IN PERIL!!!! week. Oh joy. More of Sanjay Gupta yelling at me to change my light bulbs to those swillerly quasi-Star Trek ones. But I digress...
First on the list, Larry King, a man so old I'm fairly certain that his suspenders are the only things keeping him from collapsing into a pile of dust. He's interviewed thousands of the worlds most influential people. And Kid Rock. But lately he seems to be losing it. I mean, Larry King is an icon. Kinda like tri-cornered hats were when he was a child. But again, he seems to always be on the verge of yelling at "Betty" from "Arkansas" asking Paris Hilton what her dreams are. Poor Larry. If I get to ever get interviewed by him, I'll probably just be awestruck by his large head.
Lou Dobbs, the medias version of Dick Cheney. Ol' Lou has been on a bit of a tizzy these last few weeks. Hearing how now Turkey is going to invade Iraq. Now, I'm no analyst (though this one time at band camp...never mind) but it seems that since there already is a "Coalition" of the "willing". Invading Iraq is kinda like inventing the car. Been there, done that, spent 32 billion dollars. Just last night Lou Dobbs coined one of my now favorite phrases when he was arguing with some folks on his show. "bofo". Yes Bofo. He used it twice but with two different contexts. Once, when asked about how a New York governor giving licenses away to illegal immigrants the governor would feel good about himself. Lou responded with, "Well, good on you Governor, bofo!". At that point my mind blanked in sheer joy. I hadn't been this happy since the Soviets put up a wall. At another point he declared that if Turkey invaded Iraq with their coalition well then "bofo". Lou Dobbs is an isolationist. And man, I wish he was on for two hours. Then I think he'd start beating a gay, liberal, grass-roots protester with the constitution. Thats my fantasy.
As previously stated its PLANET IN PERIL!!! week on CNN. They changed the letters of CNN from red (communists) to green (happy drunken Irish?). In the series Anderson Cooper, a man I don't trust (who has two last names?), Sunjay Gupta (tell me what my children can take as cold medicine will he?), and Jeff Corwin (I'm pretty sure he has rabies), go all over the world telling us that we'se all gonna die (insert Bayou swamp witch voice). While I'm not going to watch it along with 79% of Americans, it might be interesting to note that while they were running about watching blackened earth, destroyed rain forest, dead animals they could've done it much closer to home. Just look at Georgia right now. See the similarities? Yes, our little green ball called Earth is getting destroyed by us. Now that thats outta the way who wants roasted condor?
Now, I have lost my point along this jumbled mess but make no mistake I love CNN. Wolf Blitzer frightens me, Lou Dobbs entertains me, Anderson Cooper chastises me and Larry King is the undead. Plus they have a segment called "This week in War". That just is capitalism at its best right there. So, if you feel the need to lower gas emissions, turn out lights and save pandas please do so. Me, I'm going to build a bunker big enough for 4 people. Three I've already mentioned and Larry King, along with Kieth Richards shall wander the earth stopping to interview one another. What wonderful world.
By the by, you can argue with me about anything I've written. Problem is I'll just deny your existence. Because if you're not real, how can you be arguing with me? Thats exactly what I did to Erica Hill. Not reply to my fan mail will she.

This above all: to thine own self be true; And it must follow, as the night the day; Thou canst not then be false to any man.